Here's a list of stuff today:
And then my brother's birthday is tomorrow. And Sidney Crosby's birthday is the next day. And @cooledpurple 's birthday is the following day. What the fuck, yo? Way to make me eat far too much cake in a week, fuckers. Can't you like... spread that shit out?
Or do I need to start making a chart and asking people for when their birthday is before I consider becoming friends with them so that I have a minimum 3 days between birthdays? And if your birthday is too close to a current friends birthday, I will refuse friendship.
"sorry, you must change your birthday or I can't be friends with you. I have a space in about mid-april that's free"
"but my birthday is in September!"
"your choice."
I think I like this plan.
2. So, did we ever fix the whole budget & debt ceiling thing? Or did we start defaulting yet? Is that why the market fell off a fucking cliff yesterday? I haven't been bothering to pay attention. Cause fixing debt by spending more is still like eating McDonalds every day to get skinny and printing more monopoly money won't make it worth more. So I stopped caring. We're fucked any way we look at it.  |
| That chick was probably hot too. The crazy ones always are. |
3. Deadpool is better than you. And funnier. That is why I post a lot of shit with him in it. And he makes everything better. Kinda like sex. Deadpool is Sex.
You gotta love a fictional character that is actually aware that he's a fictional character and, as a result, routinely breaks the fourth wall and talks out loud to his own thought bubbles that he can see.
I'd do that...
Hell, half the time, I'm convinced that I'm a viral hallucination created from that time you took too many of the special mushrooms your mom warned you not to eat. I'm a figment of your imagination.
4. Wait... Alabama passed a law that said it's a crime to be an illegal alien? Errrr.. "undocumented immigrant"... sorry, my mental PC thesaurus broke for a moment there.
So they made a law that says it's illegal to break the law... and like 16 countries are pissed off about this? Am I fucking missing something here?
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| The one and only time I'll ever make a Star Trek reference. Star Wars is so much better. |
I've been confused as all hell for the last like... ever... about how it's somehow not a crime to break that law. I mean, isn't that kind of the definition of "illegal"? Violating a law = a crime, correct? So now it's NOT a crime to break THAT law? Then why is it a law?
Oh wait... this is one of those "suggestion" laws right? The kind that they can't really do anything if you break it, right? The kind that don't exist?
This makes my fucking head explode. Honestly to god, contemplating immigation law and the domestic policy on immigation is like contemplating time travel at this point. Everything is nothing and nothing is everything. If my brain was a computer, it would just come back with the blue screen of death. And then I'd die.
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| Like that fucking monkey in Outbreak |
5. You know what you never wanna hear come out of the mouth of a girl you picked up at the bar & fucked within the past year or so but haven't really talked to since?
"So I went to the doctor and he said I should call anyone I've had sexual contact with in the past few years".
That can only end badly.
I also would have accepted "I'm late" or "I've been thinking about you a lot and thought maybe we could go out for coffee" or "anything at all, there's a reason I never called her" as alternatives.
6. For the life of me, I can't come up with a MadLibs style blog ever since that first one. I've tried at least 3 times a week since then and I can't come up with shit. I think the problem is that most of this stuff is kinda funny because of the words I use. (this shit is funny. Don't argue with me. And if you don't think it's funny, you have no sense of humor. I am the final arbitor of humor.) And they're also the same ones that I'd need to leave out to make an effective MadLibs blog post. So help a brother out... someone send me something that I can turn into a MadLibs blog. I'll even give you credit for it! (I don't have a funny picture to go with this one. Eat me)
7. When I buy cigarettes, I specifically ask to see the packs first. And then I only buy the kind that say that it can cause premature birth or birth defects in pregnant women. Cause those kind are healthy for you unless you're pregnant. So I'm good.
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| Smoke these. They're only harmful to pregnant women. |
8. I think I need a service bottom just to fold my laundry. I don't mind DOING the laundry, but I hate folding clothes. Any volunteers?
Yeah, once again, you're only getting a strange number of things in a list.
And here's a little more Deadpool for all of you who aren't getting laid tonight (like me) to get the same kind of enjoyment. Deadpool stimulates the same pleasure receptors in the brain as sex. This is actual science. Do not argue with me. I am a Doktor.
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| I need some fighty time soon. |
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