Random Thought Of The Day #640

Day 640

I think it's time to tell a story again. I like telling stories. Though the downside is, if I tell them all here, I won't have any to impress hot girls with when I meet them. Then they won't want to fuck. This is probably not the best idea. But I shall tell it here anyway. They probably won't have read this until later anyway.

A few years ago, I was at a party with some friends. There were no cute girls, so I didn't really care all that much for it. I was with friends, so with no girls there there that I wanted to pound a like stripper at a Tijuana Donkey Show, I decided that it was time for the usual Plan B.

Get boldly trashed and wildly out of control and generally act like a drunken fool.

This is always a good Plan B.

So, after numerous hours of copious quantities of alcohol poured down my throat, I'm standing around with a few friends and one of them is looking for something in his cargo pants pockets. In the process of him pulling things out of his pockets to find whatever it was he was looking for, he pulls out a canister of OC. Now, I'm not sure if you're familiar with this, but it's the police-issue pepper foam. Not just the simple pepper spray that girls carry with them for protection. No, this is the kind that hits you, foams the fuck up like shaving creme, but orange. And it's only legal for police officers to carry. Or at least it was at the time. They've changed a lot of those laws in the intervening years.


My friend happens to be a cop.

At this point, I grab the pepper foam from him. I'm fascinated by this. And I'm trying to figure out how to turn it into a drinking game. Nobody likes my ideas. Any of them. They are all pussies. This is unacceptable. I MUST find a way to make certain that someone gets pepper foamed. There is no way that this night can end, while the cop is carrying some hardcore pepper foam shit and someone doesn't end up getting a face full of it.

I get an idea. This seems to be a better idea and more acceptable to 99% of the people there.

4 of us gather some cash together and get donations from everyone else. We have about $300. And we have one cheap ass motherfucking friend that will do anything for money and finds every excuse under the sun to not spend any money. We call him Batman. It's a long story.

Shortly after we've accumulated the money, he walks over to talk to us. I bring up the proposition.

"Batman, we really want to spray this in someones face. We thought maybe you'd do it."

He looks at me like I have 3 heads.  "Fuck you"

"We'll pay", I tell him. "$300 to light you the fuck up with this. Right in the face"

For 300, Batman would let us light his balls on fire and have a horse drag him down the street by them by a dental floss lasso. He accepted. And gets another beer for some additional courage.

I'm holding the OC at this point. He's trying to get himself ready. And I look at him and say.

"I say this as a friend that likes seeing you get hurt. But you know you're not driving home tonight when we unload this on your, right?"

His expression changed and I thought, for just a moment, that I'd fucked up my plan. Shit. He's going to back out.

"Maybe this isn't the best idea?" he asks. I can't believe he asked me. I kinda laughed. If it was some subby girl or something? I could see asking to change the plan. But just some dude that I drink with? Ha. Such a little bitch.

And in a moment of genius, I came up with a brilliant alternative. "200 to OC you in the balls. Come on, pussy. Do it."

He accepts. I guess he thought it was somehow going to be less of a painful endeavour than in the face. And he's owned his balls for 25 years at this point. He's obviously not been punched in the face and balls enough to know which one is more sensitive. He's also obviously an idiot. And then he starts loosening his belt.

We're standing in some random girl's driveway. And he's dropping trow. This is going to be epic. I can already feel it. I look over my shoulder and  tell my buddy Jeff to get his camera. He puts it in video mode. He doesn't want to miss a moment of this shit. Like usual, Batman is going commando. This makes it easier.

With an audience (because I sometimes LOVE playing to an audience, and sometimes don't. This was one of those moments that I loved playing to the audience.) of about 40 people all screaming and watching and laughing, I drop into a crouched position right next to his exposed junk. And pointing to the canister, and then back to his dangling bits, yelling out "who wants to see some blue balls?", I grin, aim and fire.

I emptied the fucking can. Entirely.

It only took about 5 seconds of spraying before he's screaming. It was a delayed reaction. And it was kinda awesome.

He tries to run away, but trips over his own pants and falls on his ass sideways. I'm still spraying. The blowback is now starting to make me fucking choke. I finally finish the canister and throw it down. His groin looks like it was the centerpiece of an Oompa Loompa bukkake. He's still screaming. I'm gagging. Everyone else is laughing.

He finally manages to get his ass back up and kicks off one leg of his pants. He runs into the house and into the basement. He's looking for a Pittsburgh bathroom. He finds the random shower head on a wall in the unfinished basement. And turns it on. He spent the next half hour trying to wash the foam off his balls. They turned purple. I laughed more.

My eyes itch. I try to rub them. This is not the best idea. I have had worse though. Especially when it's the price I pay for being a total jackass and getting to OC someone in the nutsack.

Somewhere, we still have this whole scene on video. I might have to ask Jeff for it again. But it's been a while and he's move a couple times in the meantime. He might not even have it anymore.