So we're getting down to the last week or so before the election.
First of all ... we're all voting for Bailey, right? I mean... the robot and the flying elephant both kinda suck, right? So, even though we're all locked up for out vote and the next President of the United States is my dog, I think we should determine new criteria for who gets elected. As a result, I've decided that we need a wholesale change in theory to the way that the debates work.
We need to start asking the questions that actually matter to voters. I have a few of them, but I think you can add your own questions at the end:
1. So how much of a load of bullshit is it that we aren't allowed to show old-school Looney Tunes on TV anymore during the day? Can't we all agree that they're totally better for childhood development than this fucking acid trip Japanimation bullshit about kids running around having card game battles or throwing balls at each other with imaginary animals inside? Can't we also agree that Looney Tunes are fucking great?2. If you could bring back one cancelled TV show, what would it be? The first person to say Arrested Development is officially black-listed from ever running for public office. That show fucking sucked, and if you enjoyed it, you should put yourself on the list of people desperately waiting for a sense of humor transplant. You will be below the vegans and feminists of the world for priority though. You are, however, above hipsters. Because they need to just die.
3. What is your favorite beer? If you say anything manufactured by Anheuser-Busch, Coors, or Miller, you are also permanently black-listed from public office. There are also a lot of wrong answers to this question.
4. Seriously, when is the last time you carried a wallet or had enough small bills on you that you could break a 20 for someone?
5. How much would you love to participate in a Midget Tossing contest?
6. What's the most painful thing you've ever had happen to you? (hint: if it isn't "I stepped on a LEGO", you don't know what REAL pain is)7. Come on, you know that you're sick of seeing those fucking Jersey barriers up in front of every single government building everywhere... would you please take them away so we can drive down Pennsylvania Ave again or look at these buildings the way that were intended to be seen? Cause you can't tell me that looking at the White House without cars driving past it and with those hideous barriers in the way looks appealing, right?
8. Why is my birthday not a Federal holiday yet?
9. Star Wars or Star Trek?10. Have you ever accidentally stepped on a Stink Bug?
11. Do you remember Fraggle Rock? What the fuck was going on on that show? Cause it seemed like a Jim Henson nightmare version of The Muppets meets the Smurfs inside of Oscar the Grouch's garbage can world.
12. Aren't you sick of this "let's make a movie version of 80's nostalgia cartoons as life-action or CGI" trend too? Except for GI Joe 2... whenever it comes out... because the Rock is totally a perfect Roadblock. And if you saw twitter yesterday, he's also totally a perfect Incredible Hulk. I have a man-crush on the Rock.
13. Also... 70's cartoons or 80's cartoons or early 90's cartoons? Which were better. I'm going with the late-80's through early 90's myself. GI Joe. He-Man. X-Men. Ghostbusters. Inspector Gadget. Thundercats. MASK. Rescue Rangers. Duck Tales. TMNT. Transformers. And more.
14. Do you like Lady Gaga? There is also a wrong answer to this question.
15. Favorite pejorative term towards a group of people? I'm going with Honky. 16. Favorite 80's and early 90's Professional Wrestler? I'm gonna go with the Ultimate Warrior or Macho Man Randy Savage.
17. How much would you like to go back and erase hair-metal from history? Worse than going back to erase Hitler? Come on, you know that shit sucked, right? Add your own questions for the 2012 supplemental debates!
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