You know... there really aren't any cool conspiracy theory things out there anymore. The last one we had was what? The "9/11 was an inside job" thing? We're totally falling behind the past. The 60's and 70's had the Kennedy Assassination and Moon Landing and the Beatles and Pink Floyd and the Wizard of Oz and all of the crazy conspiracy theories that went along with that. Not to mention having the Big Red Monster lurking across the other side of the planet and the KGB was everywhere.
Then the 80's had some awesome ones with heavy metal being all satanic and backwards lyrics and shit. Aliens got big again. The Big Red Monster was even scarier. A nutbag took a shot at Reagan. Wall Street was filled with wizards and shit. There were some awesome conspiracy theories.
Then the 90's were awesome. But all of them had to do with Clinton, which was weird.
I mean... I guess we have the "Birther" thing and the "closet commie" thing now.
But that makes me realize something... ever since the 90's, all of our cool conspiracy theories that you can get stoned and bullshit about for hours (because you're stoned and otherwise would get irritated by the topic in about 5 minutes because fuck politics)... they all revolve around politics now. It sucks. They all revolve around the President. Even during Bush, it was "Cheney is the devil!" conspiracy theory.
We need cooler conspiracy theories. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna start making some up. That have nothing to do with politics. We need some cool ones. I mean... the 80's and 90's also brought us the "Richard Gere Gerbil" thing... So let's come up with some.
I have a few that I think could totally gain some traction.
1) Panda Bears are actually human/raccoon/bear hybrids from the future sent back in time to study the past and figure out why the fuck humans got so fucking fat before hybridizing (is that a word? I think it is. Or it damn well should be) with bears and raccoons.
2) Motherfucking Aliens! They built the pyramids and a bunch of other shit thousands of years ago. And they're coming back because the round trip is almost done. 3) Steve Jobs didn't die. They simply downloaded his consciousness into the Apple Mainframe and they're still in the process of building a body or host to defragment his personality matrix. They tried to use the robot that eventually was programmed to be called Mitt Romney, but it didn't have the storage space. It also didn't look right in black turtlenecks, so they started looking for a backup plan.
4) The government and the media and the entertainment business have gotten together to put together a plan that so confuses and contradicts itself about what behaviors and thoughts should be glorified and what should be condemned so that we're all forced, within 10 years, to just say "fuck it, tell me what to think all the time" and call it a day. They glorify and condemn sex, drugs, driving fast, firearms, traditional masculinity, alcohol, smoking, feminism, nationalism and everything else at the same time. When they're done, we won't know what to think or do, and just become mindless drones for our masters.
5) Canada is secretly building a 500 foot tall Mech-Warrior inside of a mountain in Western Canada. There is also a tunnel that leads all the way from Alberta (where it was built) to Toronto so that when it makes its world-destroying debut, it doesn't have to travel across country after being built. Because even taking over the world has an East Coast bias when it comes to the media coverage.6) Batman is real.
7) There is a secret cabal of ninjas that patrol the streets at night and keep the tentacle beasts of the deep at bay.
8) The eschaton has actually been immanentized but we lack the capcity to percieve it yet.
9) I am secretly a viral hallucination from that time where your mom told you not to eat that whole back of special mushrooms. It's your fault that I have spread and infected everyone else. Blame yourself.
10) When you commit suicide, you're actually escaping the Matrix. If you kill yourself, you can live on to fight our robot overlords.
11) We are actually the fiction of our fictional archtypes. This is all Superman's Kryptonian dream on his way to escape his home planet.
12) If you buy my book, it has secret lessons of ancient wizardry in it. Become a wizard. Buy my book.
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