Because I Needed A Good Rant - RTOTD #794

Day 794

So... is there a way that we can just kind of eliminate French Canadians?

I mean, Montreal girls are hot and all, but really... it's like a combination of the 2 most annoying groups on the planet. 

First of all, you've got the Canadian part with their bullshit haughty "oh, we're so much better than America because we don't have the crime and look at our socialized medicine and legal pot in some places, who cares about gay marriage?" attitude while suckling the American teat of defensive perimeter, major scientific research, and lack of fucking people (seriously, all of Canada has less people than California alone). I mean, thanks for making hockey popular and giving us some great players. But fuck you Canada, you haven't yet thanked Pittsburghers for inventing indoor ice or professional hockey, because fuck you we did it first while you were still sliding around on backyard ponds for free and falling through cracks in the ice. Morally superior smug assholes. We should have just made you colonies when the English offered us to you as well as the other 13 after the Revolutionary War. You're welcome for your pseudo-independence. Even if you still have another country's monarchy on  your money. What's your Prime Minister's job again? Learn to pronounce the letter O, you hoser.  And bring me a motherfucking moose!

And then to make it worse, you've got the French... and well, do I really need to explain why FUCK YOU, FRANCE! is pretty much the perfect response to anything about the French? Oh, let me guess, you weren't listening because you were too busy covering your garlic and body odor smell with shitty perfume on even men, while making love to your own faces and pretending you're better than everyone else, right, you wine-swilling cheese-eating surrender monkey?  And thanks for Vietnam, you cowards. Hey, do we all know the first rule of French warfare? You only win when you don't have a Frenchman commanding you. Wanna know the second? Let the Americans handle it. The only warriors you have that you can be proud of is the Foreign Legion. And none of them are actually Frenchmen! Hey Pepe Le Pew, why don't you tell your women to go shave and maybe then learn some German for the next time around, cause we know you pussies aren't gonna be fighting and we know that your Eastern neighbors like your vineyards or something, cause they keep coming to visit and not leave whenever they get too bored. The most fight you'd see out of a Frenchman would be if they cancelled Fashion Week in Paris. They'd throw down their Berets and stomp out with their nose high in the air, mostly so they can't smell themselves, and then go eat some horse meat. Frog. SPEAK THROUGH YOUR MOUTH! We can't understand you when you're talking out of your nose like usual, Claude.

So yeah... the 2 most obnoxious groups of people on the planet and we decided to let them breed? Fuck, why didn't we throw in the radical queer Marxist feminists too and really make it a party?

"Come one, come all, and see the most annoying show on earth! They'll talk down to you! They'll mumble in a foreign language! They'll make constant and ever-increasing ridiculous and contradictory demands, while being hypocritical and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way. Like children. While smoking and not bathing or grooming and using made up words or words that don't make any sense with their actual definition in the English language! It's a show that you can't dare miss! You'll never ever see someone as morally superior and haughty in your life!"

I mean... hey... they only good thing that ever came out of that menagerie of atrociousness was Mario Lemieux, and he doesn't even live in fucking Canada anymore.

So how about this... we'll take all those hot girl that drive buses and mop floors and strip and hook from Montreal (seriously, it's like this weird hotbed of hot girls. And slutty hot girls, too! So many so that they're even doing menial jobs that no hot American girl would do) and spend a lot of time and money to wipe away that fucking nasal accent. Hell, I'll settle for Jenny & Cathy Poussin alone. And then we can just wipe the rest of you off the map, ok Jacques? Can we localize a zombie apocalypse in just Quebec and then find a way to keep it from spreading outside of there? Then at least we can get some good reality TV out of watching the few Frenchmen that aren't total pansies try to fight for survival. As long as the zombie isn't named Klaus. Because if that's the case, the only fight will be to see how quickly he can pull that white surrender flag out of his back pocket. Hey Pierre, zombies don't actually accept surrender!

I have no idea what prompted this, but just kinda couldn't hold it in. But hey... I was bored and I haven't gone on a good rant about any particular group of people in a while. So enjoy.