MOAR BEARS! - RTOTD #875

Day 875

Here's some gifs of a guy playing with a motherfucking grizzly bear like I do with my dog. Except for the part where he tries to swallow my head. He's big but not big enough to pretend to swallow my head.

Now I want a fucking bear as a pet.

Here's some more gifs and pictures of bears being awesome and why I need one as a pet:


So I always have something to laugh about!

 

 

 To greet people when they come visit & provide a friendly first impression.

 

 

For home security. Who's going to fuck with a ninja bear?

A snowplow. My driveway is hard to use the snowblower on and I slip a lot when walking down it in the winter, so he can totally just plow the driveway for me, right?

When I've had a bad or long day at work and I just need a hug when I get home.

I'm About To Ruin Your Fucking Day - RTOTD #874

Day 874

I have a problem that's been bugging me for a while and it's getting worse.

ASPCA commercials.

Because they're getting to me more and more. And they're longer. And more depressing. And more... EVERYTHING.

It was bad enough when it was just Sarah McLachlan singing and making you feel horrible that you haven't adopted every dog at the local shelter. But that one only lasted for 45 seconds.

But now? Now it's a 3 minute long commercial with just some lady guilt-tripping you for being alive and not spending your entire day playing with dogs and giving them food.

I was sitting on the couch on Saturday, just watching some TV, when an ASPCA commercial came on that I was half-expecting to be yet another Sarah McLachlan commercial where she sings to pictures of sad dogs and bandaged cats, but this one was different.

It started with a woman just talking over video clips of the saddest dogs ever. And every word out of her mouth made you feel shittier and shittier about being a human being. About beaten dogs and being locked in a cage and left to die.

THE LADY FUCKING SAID THAT! "Locked in a cage to die"

I lasted 10 seconds before I had to get up and walk as calmly as possible over to the chair-and-a-half where Bailey was curled up in a ball, looking pathetic and unloved, and laid down to smother him with a hug.

His expression was of utter confusion. I mean, he does a damned good job of looking pathetic and unloved and basically giving you Bailey Face, but the second you give him attention, he's the happiest dog on the planet.

I then had to make my way around the house and hug the other 2 dogs for a good 20 seconds each.

It was then that it dawned on me: As long as there are ASPCA commercials on TV, I can never be without a dog. Because every single time one comes on the TV, I feel compelled to get up and hug the dogs. And if I didn't have a dog to hug, I would have to go and adopt all the dogs at the shelter just so that I had dogs to hug during ASPCA commercials.

That's their trick. They make you feel so horrible that you have an overwhelming compulsion to hug dogs. And if you don't have a dog to hug when their commercial hits your ears and eyes, then the overwhelming compulsion is to go get yourself a dog just so that you can hug it.

It took me about 2 minutes to get through all of the dog hugging and making my way around the house to make sure there was food and water and toys aplenty for the dogs to play with. I was finally starting to feel good about  myself again. Like I'd done my part in making absolutely sure that the dogs never felt like they were going to be left to die in a cage or beaten and neglected. Like I wasn't a completely horrible human being. And when I walked back into the living room...

THE FUCKING COMMERCIAL WAS STILL GOING!

I had to start all over. Their guilt-trip commercial got to me a 2nd time.

So yeah... I am really starting to hate these commercials because no matter how much I do to try to make sure I'm taking the best care of the dogs that I can, I feel like shit whenever these damn commercials come on.

Or just be always ready with a remote in hand to make sure I can change the channel FAST.

Bad Signals - RTOTD #873

Day 873

A Pimp is suing Nike because their shoes aren't labeled as  "dangerous if used to beat someone with". Because apparently he didn't realize that beating someone with them would cause injury.

I have so many words. So very very many words. But instead, let's go with a list of the best ridiculous warning labels. Because I can guarantee that that's funnier than discussing  whether Nike needs to label their shoes as "not beating implements" or "harmful to face if used to curb stomp" or some such bullshit. Because this shit is as fucking stupid as people that need to be constantly told that their coffee is hot. And it's awesome.


Was there a lot of this going on somewhere?



This is a roof antenna. Drunk people should not be on the roof.

WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD THIS?!?!?!?!

Feel free to add your favorites as well.

Tire Fires of Nostalgia - RTOTD #872

Day 872

Man, I fucking miss Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner cartoons. And as much as I'd love to see new episodes, I know the kind of tire fire that some jackwagon producer at Time-Warner would turn them into. It would basically end up a somehow even shittier version of Space Jam and essentially rape my childhood and make me hate everything even more. Kinda like Man of Steel. Except worse. Like strange-sounding Muppets after Jim Hensen died.

I guess that's the thing with revisiting nostalgia stuff. You can't quite ever recapture that lightning in a bottle of the original. You can only really hope to get close, not fuck up too much, and keep hitting the "90% of the quality of the original" until it's just hackneyed and I am left writing too many fucking clichés to describe it.

So maybe I just need to go find some old-school Loony Tunes on Netflix or DVD or something and binge on that for a while. Except that fucking skunk. Because fuck Pepe Le Pew and all of France. And the rooster guy wasn't that funny either.