Alcohol: The Mother of All Invention - RTOTD #877

Day 877

I've realized something when it comes to sport. Or at least, Olympic sports:

Every single one of them are either games invented (or likely could have been invented) as ways for children to get exercise or they're games that seem like they were invented by drunken assholes because alcohol.

I don't even give a fuck about the summer Olympics. Sorry. But it's lame. 87 versions of swimming is dumb? Some spinning and jumping and flipping on the ground is boring. And running around in a circle track is like an even suckier version of NASCAR where everyone forgot their car. Would you give a fuck if Dale fucking Earnhart and all those other idiots just run around the track? No. Because it's gay. That's what virtually every track event is. NASCAR without the cars.

Winter is so much better. Granted, it's just 147 different versions of losing your footing on slipper surfaces and compensating for it in some way, but still...

But consider most of them:

Downhill skiing? Totally a drunk guy strapping boards to their feet and grabbing 2 sticks to have something to hold onto and then his buddies betting on whether he could make it down the hill. Once they all managed to not die sliding down the hill and the pot was pretty big? We know what happens next: drunk guys betting on which drunk guy will slip down the hill fastest. Instant sport.

Snowboarding was invented just to make it more likely that the drunk guys would see someone kill themselves sliding down the hill. "Oh, you guys all managed to make it down with 2 boards strapped to your feet. How about we make it just 1 and see how you fuckers do!".

How about Hockey? Everything in Canada is frozen for like 19 months a year and they are born with skates strapped to their feet (how that doesn't kill the women coming out is beyond me, but those Canadians are mysterious folk) so they all know how to skate. But skating around all winter isn't even as much exercise as walking to the 7-11, so they invented hockey because they were fucking bored and the kids were getting fat since they weren't getting as much exercise as even walking. So boom. Hockey gets invented to keep Canadian kids skinny. And they can only have 1 John Candy so a bunch of fat Canadians couldn't even be useful.

Curling?  Well... that was absolutely another drunk guy invented sport. I'm pretty sure it went something like this:

Guy #1: "I wanna bowl!"
Guy #2: "I like shuffleboard!"
Guy #3: "I wanna play horseshoes!"
Guy #4: "I'm a janitor and don't sweep enough shit at work!"

All 3 of them then realize that everything is a sheet of fucking ice and their only option is a fucking rock because they can't get to the bowling alley. So they grab the rock, and start trying to hit a spot that they arbitrarily pick about 50 feet away and realize they suck at it so they paint a target on it. They still suck at it so they decide to compensate for friction in their drunken haze. Because games invented by drunk people always get more complicated the longer you play them until nobody remembers how the game works and it essentially leaves every spectator that inevitably stands to watch the drunken fools play their game standing there with that confused-dog head-tilt thing. So they start sweeping shit after shoveling fails and like some strange wintery magic, they can all start hitting the fucking target. Another sport is born.

The Biathalon was simply created because too many drunk people snow-stumbling home from the bar thru the woods got stuck and froze, so they slapped skis on their feet. That worked to get them thru but then they all started getting eaten by bears. So they started carrying rifles. Awkwardly slide thru the woods for a while. Stop and shoot the bear that's about to eat you. Lather, rinse and repeat. That's pretty much the genesis of that one.

So there you go. Games by drunks or to keep kids from getting fat in Canada. The winter Olympics are essentially the Canadian version of Hillbilly Olympics, really. So there you go.