STOP! BanHammer Time! - #814

Day 814

I hope you got a sufficient MC Hammer pants mental image there. Giggle at it. I'll wait.

 

More after the jump...

Future Imperfect... No, Not The One With A Bearded HULK Ruling The World - #813

Day 813

Did you get that reference? It was amusing to me at least. Shut up.

I'm feeling fucking old. I looked online today and found out that motherfucking Chuck Taylors... yeah. Converse All-Stars... now run a bare-minimum of $55 for the regular hightops unless there's a sale. $55 fucking dollars? For some canvas kicks with a flat rubber sole, zero arch support, ankle support akin to wrapping your ankle in single-ply toilet paper, and all the traction of a pile of wet leaves? I used to buy those things for $15-20 when I was in highscool not even 15 years ago!

Are you fucking kidding me?

This shit is getting ridiculous now.

A single issue of a comic book is $4.

Chuck Taylors are $55.

$60 or $70 for a bag of pot!

A candy bar is a buck and a quarter!

Gas is almost $4.

I can't buy a loaf of bread for under $1 and my damn phone, tv and internet bill is almost $250 all-together.

KENNYWOOD IS 40 MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS!

And don't even let me get started on going to a movie theater. Every goddamned time, it costs me a buck or 2 more than the previous time.

$7 cigarettes.

Natty Light is almost $20 a case. Natural FUCKING Light beer is almost $20. Either someone is wildly over-valuing the quality/value of their product or there's far too many highschool and college kids with much more bloody money than we had 10-15 years ago. It was like $8 when I was in college. The only way it's worth it if THIS chick comes with the case.

This is not 1983 and
you look like you can't
decide between a Cadillac
or a panel van.

Hell, even Pabst is over $20 a case now. That shit was $9 not even a decade ago for a 24-pack. Though I blame that one on idiot hipsters that seem to think that drinking shitty beer and then overpaying for it somehow is "ironic". I still don't think you know what that word means. You use it about your 70's porn-star-stasch too. You're doing it wrong.

Exactly how can you call a fast-food meal a "value meal" when it's $7? You can walk into Eat N Park and get a burger, fries and a drink for $8 and you don't even have to carry a tray there. Someone does that for you.

And can someone tell when $60-70 became acceptable for a video game where you only get about half the content at the time of release and have to pay to download (at $5 a pop) the other half of the game one section at a time? That's before they come out with the next version only a year later for another $60. And then they release a Special Edition with some of the downloadable content and some new downloadable content that you can't download with the original edition because they stopped supporting it? Yes, I'm still pissed off about Marvel vs Capcom 3 and their bullshit use of the tsunami for why it was ok to stop supporting it and instead release Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 that would be the only version supported going forward. Fuck you, Capcom.

$2 for a cup of diner coffee. Not to even mention the prices for buying it at the grocery store. I blame Starbucks for conditioning people that it's somehow OK to charge $6 for a cup of coffee that led to that shit.

Oh fuck this. I give up. I probably wouldn't even be this pissed off if the future that we GOT and the future that we were promised weren't so different. We ended up with a surveillance state when we were promised motherfucking jetpacks. WHERE IS MY GOD DAMNED JET PACK!?!?!?

Ooooooohhhh. Comic-Con starts today, I think. Yes, I was just distracted from my righteous indignation by potentially new shiny toys and movies. Shut up. I hope you die.

A Guide... - #812.1

Day 812.1

A Guide To Dealing With Heat When You Have No A/C

1. Turn out overhead lights whenever possible. The small amount of extra heat generated by lightbulbs adds up.

2. Avoid running desktop computers when possible & use laptops or tablets if possible. Sleep mode or off is best for desktops in the heat. Screensaver a still use processor power & generates nearly as much heat as a desktop in operation. TVs and other large electronics produce similar heat so the same applies to them. Take the time to read a book. It doesn't require any electricity and won't generate any additional heat. A running television or desktop computer can add up to 5 degrees to a room. 

3. Open windows & run fans. Airflow is important. And if nothing else, moving in fresh air is key. Stagnant air maintains heat while moving air disperses it. Make sure ceiling fans are pulling cold air up rather than attempting to push the hot air down. And make sure that your fans are not working against each other. Direct airflow in the same direction within the house. 

4. Wear thin, lightweight clothing. Preferably natural fibers that breathe.

5. When indoors & moving outdoors is not possible, the lower the elevation in your home, the better. Cooler air falls. Your first floors & basements tend to be the coolest portions of your owner. Upper floors will remain the warmest even with proper ventilation & fans. 

6. Regularly dump any dehumidifiers that you may have. Humidity increases the intensity of heat & dehumidifiers help to pull moisture out of the air to minimize this effect. It also serves to help maintain airflow inside the home.

When doing all of these things, you can cool a room or home by a few important degrees. And if necessary, take quick cold showers from time to time to help cool your body temperature. 

I wrote this because my AC went out& I haven't been able to get it replaced yet. I figured that it'll happen to others too. Some people may not know how to deal with it or have never had to deal with it. And it's a friendly reminder as well.

Feel free to add your own suggestions & tricks that you've found to reduce the effect of oppressive heat.

... And On The 8th Day - #812

Day 812

... And on the 8th Day, God created...

Me.

Then he realized it was a fuck-up. Couldn't figure out a way to get rid of me. Had that action stricken from the record books and then made up that whole "I'm infallible" thing to cover his own ass in the even he was ever called on it.


That might or might not be Jim

It had to come out eventually. Just figured I'd give you some bits of what parts ended up on the editing room floor. The original version of the bible had a lot more drunken antics where God got all loaded and made shit up like the Platypus.

And when he had a cocaine-fueled nightmare one time and tried to draw it, we ended up with the Giant Weta. Cause FUCK THAT CREEPY GIANT BUG! If that's not straight out of a nightmare, I don't know what is!

But I'll let you know something. That dude is a shitty golfer. Why else do you think he made Sunday "church day" instead of "golf day" like everyone else wanted?

Also, his real name is Jim. And he's got a really bad hipster mustache. He stopped rocking the beard back in the 40's and has tried to be trendy ever since. I kinda wanted to punch him when he started wearing skinny jeans. Because dudes shouldn't wear skinny jeans. Ever. But he's "infallible" and thinks that makes it ok.

Dick.

It's All The Fault Of Iranian Testicular Saline Infusion Fetishists - #811

Day 811

The end is nearly here. I stumbled onto the threads of this plan a few months ago and have spent my off-time from this blog chasing down leads until I finally believe that I've found the origins, most of the moving parts, and the endgame for this apocalypse program. And we are all going to die.

In 1881, a group of Cthulhu Death Cultists and the Cotton Gin Consortium hatched a long-term plan for world domination. It is the biggest secret of the 20th and early 21st century and it has almost reached its climax. The plan began with small moves and was planned to take nearly 200 years. But the events of the 1970's Secret Ugandan Genetic Terror Jesus Resurrection Program accelerated the plans.

The first step of the plan was simple. Breed a child that would introduce the world to their god. Through a complex breeding program, 3 dozen children were born and the first selected to herald the forthcoming epoch was a failure. The first crop of apocalyptic heralds was born in 1890. Using a combination of Eugenics, Murder Theory, Thermal-Fusion Conditioning and Anaerobic Caffeine Injections directly to the frontal lobe of the children, their goal of creating a small army of Super Soldiers was a near complete failure, producing instead the man we would eventually know as Col. Sanders instead. However, one of the previously-disregarded gestation vessals had given birth to a child only a month before the first batch of future chicken magnates were born. In secret, a modified conditioning program was devised by a time-traveling android that had been imprinted with the personality of Buzz Aldrin's bastard offspring of a Moon Queen that he had impregnated while filming the moon landing on a Martian set. The non-chicken magnate child would grow to become HP Lovecraft, as you would expect.

It was around this point that the conspiracy began to expand and add additional support in the form of the Iranian Testicular Saline Infusion Fetishists, the Ukranian Bikini Team and an unknown guitar and piano manufacturer. These inclusions were strategic, although it appears that they were regionally specific rather than focus-based. They began to perform experiements with Thought Manipulation Lasers, Anal Prolapse Weaponry and the use of a combination of the sounds of an eraser going backwards on a blackboard and the sound of a walrus laughing as a torture technique.

In 1907, when Herbert Hoover and the Ancient Chinese Fire Cupping Club jointly discovered the microsingularity that is caused when a compressed methane cloud is forced through a small ring and then ignited on the other side at the point of ejection, time travel was invented. Thinking that this tool could be put to use by the Lord Templar of the Commercial Freight Hauler's Union to travel to the Canadian Judgment Day of 1937, the Cardinal of the Argentinian Wood Carver's Church discovered that the plan had failed somehow. That's when it they began to use the Time Technology to adjust their plan as necessary. They discovered the problem.

In 1936, the Supreme Overlord of the World Opthamologists Society, who by this point had killed off most of the members of most other disciplines in the Darwinian Science Study Wars of 1904 and ruled the majority of NorthWest Africa, discovered the plot by the Kentucky Fried Foods Syndicate and personally killed Col. Sanders while he slept with a garotte, preventing a major step in the plan from being put into motion. Undeterred by the failure, and with the assistance of PT Barnum's circus performers, the Syndicate determined the exact method to ensure the future that they wanted. Using the Time Tech, they traveled back and enacted this plan, artificially inseminating a German woman named Klara Pölzl in 1988, who would go on to give birth to a son named Adolf in April of 1889.

With that future failure avoided, the next steps of the plan involved waiting for the Science Wars to only pass in secret rather than the all-out medical genocide of the previous timeline. The World Wars were an unintended consequence and the rise of communism only served to help crush the faith of monotheists around a good portion of the world with a faith in the state or an openness to the concept of Elder Gods of the world.

But this was only part of the plan. Col. Sanders was also highly important. The secret original recipe was a message to the Micro Gods of the AfterVerse. The message told them that on July 7th, 1947, the Micro Gods were to finally reveal themselves to usher in a new era of technological and weapons advancements. Little did the Micro Gods know that it was a set up by the corrupting influence of the Cthulhu Death Cultists over the growing Syndicate. The Micro Gods were killed when their Intervibrational Balloon Ship was struck by a US Military Aircraft while it was still in the growing phase from subatomic to nearly the size of conventional fishing vessal. The result of the impact was to shrink & shift the military aircraft to the AfterVerse while completely decimating the Micro Gods and their ship. Because unbeknownst to most, the Micro Gods were the primary reason that the Elder Gods had been banished from our dimension in the first place.

The story goes that the Micro Gods of the AfterVerse had banished the Elder Gods from our dimension after an argument over a water variance with and the height of a fence. The resulting lawsuit, overseen by a cosmic judge in the Siamese Space Dolphin courts forced the Elder Gods to both remove the fence and leave the dimension unless the denizens of that dimension or the Micro Gods didn't request a continuation of the injunction by Earth Year 2015.

The conspiracy grew as it went unopposed and eventually led to the abolition of CFC usage, an increased frequency of butt sex as it was seen by the Elder Gods as a form of praise, and the confusion on the merits versus risks of nuclear power, the rise of the Bush Family, the election of a peanut farmer, and the fall of the western economy.

However, in an attempt to cause confusion within the ranks of the Syndicate, the Chinese began to inexplicably build complete cities for no purpose and with no populations. These are actually to be used as diversionary cities for the coming Apocalypse. With the onslaught not knowing where to attack, it allows an opportunity of either a brand-new city to use as cover or a Where's Waldo situation where the Elder Gods, unable to figure out which cities are real and fake, get frustrated searching for the real cities and eventually give up or leave.

While it's not entirely clear how the Terror Jesus Clone was instrumental in speeding up the timetable of the armageddon, it became clear to the Murder Priests of the Korean Whispering Church that the clone program and the retirement of the Space Shuttle combined with the EPA's increased emissions standards has created an environment ripe for incursion from The Before, which is the time-looped prison that the Elder Gods have been in since losing their civil suit, once the 2015 deadline rolls around with no objections.

We are all fucked and we just don't know it yet.

The Importance Of A Physical Thing - 810

Day 810

So I've realized something: I read a lot more when I have physical books than when I just have stuff thrown onto my iPad. And while it's a lot less convenient to carry around, physical books still have a draw for me that ebooks don't.

Now, that's not to say I have an issue with ebooks by any stretch. I love that I can take hundreds or more books with me anywhere I go with just a thing that I can (kinda tightly) fit into my back pocket. I love that there's a lot more options for interactingness, which is a word I think I just made up, in ebooks over physical books. I can only imagine how fucking badass a Choose Your Own Adventure book could be in ebook format. It' could be truly limitless. I love how  an author can update a book after it's published and, as long as they're just editing the same item on the Kindle store or iBooks store or whatever, you just gotta update the version you have and all of a sudden, major edits just pop up on your device without having to go and buy a new copy.

Not to mention how you can integrate media of all sorts into an ebook that is just not possible with a physical book. It's great. Want a certain song playing in the background or to set a mood with media instead of words? You can do that with an ebook when it's not really an option for a physical book.

But there's still something about holding  a book in your hands. Smelling the pages. Feeling the texture. Feeling how much or how little you have left to read. Flipping from page to page. That's something that you can't do with an ebook.

Or setting them up on a shelf or in a box with dozens of other books. With an ebook, it's just another file in a whole folder filled with them.

Having it staring you in the face when you put it down on the end table and it tempting or demanding you to pick it back up and finish it. There's none of that constant reminder when you've got an ebook on your tablet or phone or kindle. There's no taunting of a book cover that says "fucking read me, asshole! You're not done yet!" the way there is with the physical book.

And that's not to mention that sometimes you don't WANT a different version of a book that's been updated. Sometimes there's something refreshing or quaint about the little mistakes or incompleteness of the original version. Like a first edition. The oldness of the pages or for truly antique books, the idiosyncrasies of the original printer that make it unique.

I don't know... it's why I'm always torn and why I often wish that Amazon or Barnes & Noble or whoever would do something like Hollywood has done with their system. Where you get a download code for a digital copy when you buy a new dvd, but for books. So when you order a book from Amazon or something, it automatically shows up on your kindle account so you can start it now while you wait for the physical copy to arrive from the retailer. That way, when you're at home, you can read the physical copy but when you've got to go somewhere but want to carry the book with you, you just throw your kindle in your pocket or bag or car and you don't have to carry a bunch of books around with you.

It's weird that the Comic book industry is the only one to have even kinda figured this out yet. And even their system is imperfect. But it's getting there. And maybe one day in the future, we won't have to balance our desire to carry our things with our desire to actually own physical things.

FREE BOOK!

I announced this on the IGNITION post, but figured I'd post it here as well as Fet

iBooks finally updated with the free revised and updated version of Hold My Beer & Watch This that I put together with iBooks Author (which was kind of a nightmare to figure out, by the way...

Here's the LINK

So if you have an iPad, go get it for free. Ignore the 2.99 version (it hasn't updated to take it down yet) if you just do the search in iTunes. It does NOT work on an iPhone though. Fucking weird thing. Maybe I'll do another version that will work on the iPhone. (Edit: apparently anything written in iBooks Author does not work on iPhones. ePub versions only)

And if you just want the epub version for any device not named Kindle, Here You Go

And finally, I THINK this will work... but the free Kindle version HERE

So share this with people. I seriously want people to read it for free. And let me know if any of the links don't work right.

Kill The Future.... Build The Future - #809

Day 809

It's hard to get myself back in the habit of writing daily here. Especially when it's fallen on so many deaf ears in the past few months.

I mean, that's one of a dozen fairly-obvious reasons I put this daily blog on hiatus for almost 3 months. I had no passion for it and you all obviously had lost your passion for reading it. And that's because things stagnate when the bar doesn't get raised and you don't challenge the status quo. Because the status quo sucks. No matter what it is or no matter how cool it might seem to you right now, the status quo really generally sucks.

It's also why Fet has been sucking so much for so long. Because I think we've all realized that there's nothing new under the sun and outside of picking up minor skills here and there or seeing an interesting twist on an idea, there's not really all that much to give us that same delight that we once had with our kinks. I know I don't speak for all of you but there's a very large segment that I am speaking for and we're bored. Seriously. Fucking. Bored. I mean, yeah sure... there's some cool stuff here or there but for the most part it's a whole lot of "been there, done that" bullshit that we can't really bring ourselves to adjust our schedules around anymore.

You know what I'm talking about. Those things that get you so excited that you work the rest of your life schedule around certain things to that you don't miss a second of it. Those things that bring up a sense of wonder or joy or child-like enthusiasm in a way that not much else in our boring, monotonous, responsible adult lives provides.

I mean, if we're just doing the same old shit with little changes here and there, I'm pretty sure we can all figure out the future that's planned. And it's the same as now. Boring as shit.

That said, I just figured I'd mention that we won't be throwing any parties anytime soon because it has just been the same old shit. Not until we get an idea of something that is fucking AWESOME and nobody has done in years if ever before. No more trotting out themes that were fun the first time and are just the same-old-thing. No, I don't wanna throw another party until I've got an idea that's totally fucking rad.

And in the same vein, I'm done being involved in stuff that is just a lot of the same-old-shit all over again.

In fact, I'm done doing shit that's not a wholly new experience. I want something that's really going to spark my passion again and I think a lot of you do too.

So I'm also challenging you all to do the same thing. Get out of your comfort zones. Do new things and don't just get caught up in doing the same old shit over and over. Break the status quo and don't support things that are just more of the same. Don't do anything that doesn't add something new that DEMANDS that you adjust your schedule around whatever it is instead of the crap that you do if it fits in your existing schedule.

Do something new. Do something original. Do something that changes the game. And push for something different. Break the future that's coming and build something different.

IGNITION - #808

Day 808

Cover your ears & shield your eyes... The vacation is over. Your favorite Internet Bastard is back. And everything is about to get bloody.

But that's just the beginning. If that was all that a 30-day countdown led to, that would just be fucking lame.

No, I'm here to announce a lot of things today. There's so much news you probably might need to come back a few times and double-check that you didn't miss something.

First of all, yes... the daily blog is back. The RTOTD is off hiatus and will be a daily feature again beginning today. And it's not getting any more focused than it was last time. In fact, it's going to be even more random than before. Ever since the first hiatus and when I moved this thing to being primarily hosted on Blogger for Day 400 and beyond, I avoided talking about BDSM community shit and well.. it sucked. Because there was nobody there to point it out for you when bad ideas happen. That ends now. Nothing is off the table.

There are no rules anymore, children.

Now that that's out of the way... on to the announcements that you're probably more interested. I'm just gonna make a list that starts with the biggest ones:

I'm announcing a release date of December 12th (My birthday) for the 2nd book. The official title is Booze, Bondage & Bad Decisions. It'll be available in print as well as ebook again. There's some final details I'm working on now, and I might change the print publisher depending on a few things, but it'll be available once again in any format you want. Hardcover, paperback, epub for your iPad, Nook or general e-reader and mobi for your Kindle. So keep an eye out.

With that announced, that leads me into my next announcement.

For the next 30 days, the ebook versions of Hold My Beer & Watch This is FREE!!!!

But only in iBooks store, or direct from Lulu Press. Sorry, but I can't give away the print versions because somebody has to pay for the paper and stuff. And while I'll be awesome and give away the ebook version of my first book, I won't pay for your paper for the print versions. Go to one of the links on the side of my blog site or just search on iTunes for "Hold My Beer & Watch This" and download it for free until August 3rd, 2013.

Sadly, I wanted to make it free on Kindle, but the best I could do was $0.99 cents. So it's damn near free, but seriously.. 99 cents? Shit, if you can't jump on that then what more do you want? Hell, I bet you can find that in your couch cushions when you get home.

And I'm still fighting with the Nook store to make it free. The best I can do there is $0.99 for some reason. Keep in mind though, getting it directly from the Lulu Press store is the same as getting it from the Nook store. It's the same file. It's still the same epub file that runs on your Nook (if that's what you've got) but it's simple a question of who gives it to you.

It might take a day or 2 for the changes to kick in in all the marketplaces, but keep checking back if it's not showing up as free yet. It'll switch over. I'm not going to be too anal about the 30-day timeframe. It might be 35 or 40 by the time it's over, but I wanted to make it 30 for the time being.

And to go along with this, I'm also going to announce that the new design for Epsilon Phi t-shirts has been completed. Check it out below!

I'll be opening up orders (paid in advance) for new t-shirts via paypal in the next week or so. I'll make a specific announcement for them with a price after I'm done shopping all the printers. I'll get into more detail when I make the announcement for shirts. I want to have them in-hand for the Kinknic.

This part isn't really news but Epsilon Phi had been asked and made a decision to be a financial sponsor of the Kinknic. We will also host a watergun fight and a cigar social. Bring your own cigars if you want something specific, otherwise I'll try to order a case of 20 or so cheap cigars for anyone that wants to join in but didn't bring a cigar or forgot theirs.

Next up is a project that I've been working on for a little while now but I'm going to be using Blogger to host primarily. The Bimbo Project blog has been something I've been doing on Tumblr for a little while now and I'm going to be moving it to Blogger. It'll still be mostly hosted on Tumblr, but I wanted to throw it up as a different way to interact than Tumblr. So if you're even mildly interested in Bimbofication, you should totally follow The Bimbo Project on Blogger and if you want to follow both that and the random porn that I reblog, follow me on Tumblr. Yes, it's pretty much filled to the brim with porn that is totally stolen, but fuck it. It's no worse than Google Images. Except more organized.

So you'll be occasionally getting 2 full blogs some days when I have something new to add to the Bimbo Project blog. There's about 7 or 9 blog posts there and they're all a pretty deep thought about the practical aspects of Bimbofication. And I think I might be focusing my thoughts on the topic on that blog site.

And the final thing I wanted to cover day is the most simple. It's a reminder to everyone... everywhere.

Daddy is watching. Daddy is always watching.

Behave.

There Is No Room For Fiction...

...When Life Is This Strange

It's Coming....

 

 

7/4/13