Random Thought Of The Day #658

Day 658

There is nothing more distinctly American than cooking a shitload of meat, drinking to excess, and blowing shit up while sitting outside.

You know what, though? Fuck these mid-week holidays.  You can't enjoy them. You have to celebrate so fucking early that if you don't time shit right, you end up passed out on the couch 2 hours before fireworks even start. Or if you wait too late or don't time things right, you end up drinking until like 11 or midnight and then when you try to wake up at 5 or 6 am, your body kinda actually looks at your responsible-adult-part-of-your-brain and says "oh, go fuck yourself, asshole. That was your idea last night. This is your problem this morning."

I think I've mentioned the Holiday Theorem before, right? The one that says there's only 2 kinds of holidays. Hallmark holidays and Drinking holidays. And all holidays fit one or both of these categories. You either get loaded or you send a fucking card. Sometimes you do both, but you  never do neither. Unless it's a made-up holiday like that sequal to Valentine's Day in August, or secretary's day. The closest that you get to not doing either would be Thanksgiving, but tell me you don't get turkey-coma and trashed from dealing with that much family for that long?

Though "Bring Your Dog To Work" Day should be a drinking holiday. It really should. Leave a bowl of beer out for the dog too. Everyone just plays with puppies all day. It'll be a cute little cuddle puddle of drunken idiots and puppies.

Also, this should totally be "Women Wear Short Skirts To Work" Day as well. Because girls kneeling down or crouching down or laying down while cuddling with a dogs is an up-the-skirt shot waiting to happen no matter what position you are at.

But so... the Holiday Theorem. Well... this should be adopted everywhere. Federally fucking defined categories. And anything that is categorized as a Drinking holiday that falls mid-week needs to mandate an extra day off work for "recovery". Because it's kinda bullshit that you're expected to stay capable of going to work the next day after a day as synonymous with being a slopped up drunk playing with firecrackers as possible. I mean... just the number of grill or fireworks burns that show up the day after 4th of July should be grounds for this. Give the burns an extra day to heal before coming back to work.