Joe vs. The Volcano - RTOTD #828

Day 828

Do you know what the world is missing more of? Virgins sacrificed into a volcano. Why did we get away from this?

Also... something about the virgin sacrifice has always bothered me and I think I just put it all together: It was an early attempt at pushing girls into being sluts.

Follow me here. So you have a girl and in order to be a virgin sacrifice, they had to be of at least a certain age, right? Otherwise, you'd just wait until someone in the village had a crippled, deformed, children-of-brothers-and-sisters kinda baby and then hey... look at that! Instant sacrifice. But I guess the "gods" realized that that was cheating or something and told the chieftains that the sacrifice had to be someone that it would suck to lose. Or maybe someone that could realize what was about to happen to them. Which, let me interject for a second, is kinda fucked up, right? It's only acceptable to throw some girl into a volcano if she's old enough and aware enough to realize that she's about to be thrown into a fucking volcano? What kinda shit is that? First you're killing her, but that's not good enough. You gotta throw in some terror too. Because what kinda sacrifice is it if there isn't some fucking terror, I guess. Sadistic fucks.

But back on my line of reasoning here... So we've established that it can't just be the village half-wit or hunchback or some shit. It's gotta be someone that isn't a waste of DNA.

Next, it's gotta be a girl. Because fucking whatever. Boys can fight or whatever. Girls are just baby incubators or something. I'm not going to really bother delving into the fucked up thinking of our ancestors when it came to the actual utility of women in society and just let this one slide because it's going to cause me to go off on a gigantic rant that's got nothing to do with throwing motherfuckers into volcanoes & slutty girls.

So now, it's a girl and she's aware of what's happening, probably a teenager or something. Next we get to add the next layer to the criteria. Virgin. And this is where it gets fucking weird.

These ridiculously antiquated societies (I hesitate to call them civilizations yet since they're still throwing people into volcanoes to appease invisible men in the sky and under the ground) and even today with a good chunk of the middle east, they have strict rules about women and their purity. Motherfuckers will stone a woman to death to this day for being raped in some fucked up backwards parts of this planet. And sex before marriage will probably get your head cut off. All in the name of maintaining the purity of the woman before her wedding day. Because the best way to celebrate the day of being effectively handed to some guy to do with what they wish, and them being paid to take you off your dad's hands, is to bleed in a sensitive area from losing your cherry. Cause they couldn't find another way to make your day shitty in these fucked up cultures shy of female circumcision. I guess.

So these cultures basically demand that girls stay virgins. And then the reward for actually following the customs? You get put into the volcano lottery if you're not married off yet. What kinda shit is that?

So really, the only way to avoid being in the Miss Volcano 485 BC Contest is to not meet their criteria. Not a virgin? Can't go in the volcano.

Granted, the slut option isn't really much of a great fall-back. Because at best, you're disowned and cast out by the village. At worse, you're executed because I'm not even making excuses or trying to understand cultural customs anymore. But hey, still beats the "definitely gonna die in a volcano" options.

But from looking at it from a simple "positive vs negative reinforcement" view, it seems like the downsides of being a tramp are a lot less serious than the upsides of staying as a virgin. And that doesn't make a goddamned bit of sense to me.

So really, it might be the backhanded way of telling girls "if you can't get married quick enough before the new models are on the market, just start being a slut. At least then you're safe from being a village sacrifice and it's better than the alternative." And it might explain why every time you see some virgin about to sacrificed, she's dressed kinda trampy and she's pretty hot. Because her volcano groom wants her to look pretty for when he BURNS HER THE FUCK ALIVE!

But back to my original thought... I think we need to start doing a volcano toss again. Except this time around, we'll be equal opportunity. Virgins of any gender get the chance. Like the Hunger Games, except the people from the other districts are a volcano and you can't win.