Joe vs. The Volcano - RTOTD #828

Day 828

Do you know what the world is missing more of? Virgins sacrificed into a volcano. Why did we get away from this?

Also... something about the virgin sacrifice has always bothered me and I think I just put it all together: It was an early attempt at pushing girls into being sluts.

Follow me here. So you have a girl and in order to be a virgin sacrifice, they had to be of at least a certain age, right? Otherwise, you'd just wait until someone in the village had a crippled, deformed, children-of-brothers-and-sisters kinda baby and then hey... look at that! Instant sacrifice. But I guess the "gods" realized that that was cheating or something and told the chieftains that the sacrifice had to be someone that it would suck to lose. Or maybe someone that could realize what was about to happen to them. Which, let me interject for a second, is kinda fucked up, right? It's only acceptable to throw some girl into a volcano if she's old enough and aware enough to realize that she's about to be thrown into a fucking volcano? What kinda shit is that? First you're killing her, but that's not good enough. You gotta throw in some terror too. Because what kinda sacrifice is it if there isn't some fucking terror, I guess. Sadistic fucks.

But back on my line of reasoning here... So we've established that it can't just be the village half-wit or hunchback or some shit. It's gotta be someone that isn't a waste of DNA.

Next, it's gotta be a girl. Because fucking whatever. Boys can fight or whatever. Girls are just baby incubators or something. I'm not going to really bother delving into the fucked up thinking of our ancestors when it came to the actual utility of women in society and just let this one slide because it's going to cause me to go off on a gigantic rant that's got nothing to do with throwing motherfuckers into volcanoes & slutty girls.

So now, it's a girl and she's aware of what's happening, probably a teenager or something. Next we get to add the next layer to the criteria. Virgin. And this is where it gets fucking weird.

These ridiculously antiquated societies (I hesitate to call them civilizations yet since they're still throwing people into volcanoes to appease invisible men in the sky and under the ground) and even today with a good chunk of the middle east, they have strict rules about women and their purity. Motherfuckers will stone a woman to death to this day for being raped in some fucked up backwards parts of this planet. And sex before marriage will probably get your head cut off. All in the name of maintaining the purity of the woman before her wedding day. Because the best way to celebrate the day of being effectively handed to some guy to do with what they wish, and them being paid to take you off your dad's hands, is to bleed in a sensitive area from losing your cherry. Cause they couldn't find another way to make your day shitty in these fucked up cultures shy of female circumcision. I guess.

So these cultures basically demand that girls stay virgins. And then the reward for actually following the customs? You get put into the volcano lottery if you're not married off yet. What kinda shit is that?

So really, the only way to avoid being in the Miss Volcano 485 BC Contest is to not meet their criteria. Not a virgin? Can't go in the volcano.

Granted, the slut option isn't really much of a great fall-back. Because at best, you're disowned and cast out by the village. At worse, you're executed because I'm not even making excuses or trying to understand cultural customs anymore. But hey, still beats the "definitely gonna die in a volcano" options.

But from looking at it from a simple "positive vs negative reinforcement" view, it seems like the downsides of being a tramp are a lot less serious than the upsides of staying as a virgin. And that doesn't make a goddamned bit of sense to me.

So really, it might be the backhanded way of telling girls "if you can't get married quick enough before the new models are on the market, just start being a slut. At least then you're safe from being a village sacrifice and it's better than the alternative." And it might explain why every time you see some virgin about to sacrificed, she's dressed kinda trampy and she's pretty hot. Because her volcano groom wants her to look pretty for when he BURNS HER THE FUCK ALIVE!

But back to my original thought... I think we need to start doing a volcano toss again. Except this time around, we'll be equal opportunity. Virgins of any gender get the chance. Like the Hunger Games, except the people from the other districts are a volcano and you can't win.

It's Not The Greyhound... But It Might As Well Be - RTOTD #817

Day 817

I took on a half day on a Friday recently just because I needed it. I only ended up with a day and a half in my office last week but the first half of the week justified the lazy ending to the week. Over 900 miles in the car for work bullshit & a big American Express bill, sunburn over an existing semi-decent tan & driving through a motherfucking tsunami on my way home outside of Cincinnati made me feel like I kinda needed to take a lazy day on Friday.

Well, the girl & I decided that since she got discount passes to Kennywood and I haven't been there in a few years (even if Foursquare says I checked in there in April 2012), we decided that that would be the best way to spend a steamy Friday afternoon.


There is NO WAY that I'm
going to google image
search "jailbait with tattoos".

I know I talked a while ago about how surreal it was when a group of us hit up Cedar Point last summer. The biggest reason being all the fucking jailbait that were ridiculously inked up.
Apparently that's not a think that's limited to the rollercoaster capital because I saw a fuck ton of it at Kennywood. And the thing was, it seemed to be predominantly girls. I was doing my standard "I'm in an amusement park and these people are almost mall-rat interesting to observe" type people-watching and I noticed that almost every third girl, but only about 20% of the guys, had very obvious "It's going to be hard to get a job" ink and probably 1/2 of each of those groups had some quite-heavily done "I'll never have a real job" ink done.

Now, maybe it was because the girls had already had already taken their requisite high school career aptitude tests and most of them scored really high in the stripper/porn-star/cam-whore/etc category and have already decided their career paths. And while I applaud them for foresight, determination, and their focus on doing their best to be prepared for the requirements of their chosen vocations, I think it might be presumptuous to go all-in on the permanent changes before they have even finished training for it. There might be a glut of strippers coming out of school and crowd out all but the best and most dedicated when it comes time to find a job. I mean, look at lawyers. They come out of law school anymore and the closest thing they get to a law office is when they're delivering late-night pizzas. So you can see that the other professions that get lumped into the "General Whoring" category seem to have a glut of qualified applicants. These girls might get done with whatever it is that trains you for stripping or cam whoring... oh wait, I think that's daddy issues and a self-worth entirely built on the approval of others... well whatever it is, they might get done with it and find that just like their lawyer brethren, there's just no jobs because of how many other qualified whores there are. And what are they left with? A great whoring resume and no whoring jobs. Guess it's off to find a job at the GAP or something.

And the fucking guys were just as bad. Granted, there were fewer of them for some reason, but "pretty backup dancer in a music video" or "rebel skateboarder kid in skinny jeans #2" or "X-Games competitor" or "guy that wants to be confused for the drummer for Blink 182" seems to also have far more applicants than vacant positions at this point as well. But I think that most of these guys might have also jumped the gun on trying to be as prepared as possible for work in the "General Whoring" industry. There's just not any jobs for you. And while it's an even quicker growing field for boys than it is girls, it's also a LOT smaller to begin with and won't even catch up to the positions open for girls anytime soon.

So maybe there's an alternative for both the boys and girls that seem like they might not get lucky enough to get jobs in the General Whoring industry anytime soon. You can join up with the 3rd group of people that I've seemed to have a tendency of running into the past few times I've been at an amusement park:

White Trash

Granted, it's been predominantly of the " 40-something men with straight-up mullets of the business-in-the-front-1987-party-in-the-back variety" but there just might be some vacancies for you. I've been going to amusement parks for years, and if I know anything at all, it's that amusement parks are TOTALLY 100% representative of the populace in general. So if I see too much of something when I'm at an amusement park, I can guarantee that there's too much of something in the world. And if I see too little of something, I can place someone else's money on a bet that there's not enough of that in the world. And what the world is missing right now is enough people that are trying to look like the guys in Dokken or Poison!

I have been watching for years and the number of White Trash has been dwindling. I only saw 7 Shawn Michaels circa 1990 haircuts. And using my scientific method, that would make the White Trash almost an endangered species. Or a profession that is woefully understaffed. I'm losing track of my metaphor here. Whatever.

But with all of your "I'll never have a job that doesn't change work-hours on a weekly basis" tattoos and even those of you that have opted for the more extreme "I've probably cost more tax revenue in my jail time than I ever actually produced from being employed" ink on your neck and face, well... you're all perfectly suited for the White Trash profession! There's plenty of available positions. Like all skilled (or unskilled? I have no idea..) trades, there's just too many people that don't think it's a "glamorous" enough job for them. They want something where things like "spitting chew spit in the garbage can" might be considered "inappropriate". HA! You'll show them, right? You couldn't even get a job in the field that you always aimed for when all the positions were filled in General Whoring, and you still managed to find something that you're totally great at in White Trash! So rub their nose in it!

And just remember... your education and preparation for a certain field of expertise only shows others that you have the ability and desire to learn. You showed how much you wanted to get into General Whoring but the White Trash industry took notice and you can show exactly how much your skills translate. And anything else, well... you're dedicated! You'll succeed. Even if it's a fall-back career.

And on an entirely related subject... YES... I'm still horribly perturbed by the amount of jailbait that are getting tattoos. While I'm all for inked up girls... just... NO! I liked when I could use "does she have ink" as a good barometer for if she was legal. Apparently you can't even do that now. Fucking christ.