R.I.P. English - RTOTD #833

Day 833

No. No. No. NO! NO! NO NO NONONONONONONONONO FUCKING NO!

We've finally reached a point in human history were I'm legitimately ready to give up on the English language.

Yes, it's a complicated bastardization and amalgamation of a few different older languages. Latin and German and fucking whatever else. But it works. And it's worked for a good long while now. Though I still will argue that middle English is fucking dumb as shit. But that's neither here nor there.

No, I think it's time we just gave it up and made like a fucking metric system for language. Something that fucks everyone over and we're all stuck learning a new bullshit language. But I don't want to do this because of some fucking gay one-world, kumbaya, united nations, touchy feely bullshit reason. I just want to screw everyone else over if we have to replace it. The metric system is a commie plot. This is a plot to make everyone equally miserable. Wait, I think that also sounds like a commie plot.

Sorry. Sidetracked for a moment.

Why is the English language dead, you ask? Well, isn't that a coincidence because I was just about to tell you. But maybe I won't know? Oh, you know what, I'm feeling in an angry, spiteful, vicious and overall excellent mood this morning. So I'll tell you.

English is dead because of the fucking words we keep adding. For instance, after the travesty of adding "bling bling" a few years back, we've decided to raise the stakes for our game of poor grammatical decisions by adding some of the following:

srsly, selfie, phablet, lolz, tweep, twerk, bwahahaha and tl; dr and a few more.

Yes. SERIOUSLY (see, I even fucking SPELLED IT!) all of those words have been added to the dictionary.

Look, I have no problem with people that still act like they're 14 and blabber incessantly in 4th grade level intertron speak. I occasionally will throw in an LOL or "haha" simply to convey a degree of humor because I'm a dick and sarcasm doesn't translate well to text. I regularly butcher the English language and often times make up words when I don't feel like finding a thesaurus or dictionary.  Fine. Cool. But you won't hear me say the word "lolz" out fucking loud. Or phablet. Or any of those ridiculous words. Because those aren't actually WORDS. They're a clusterfuck of sounds that escape your face hole.

Granted, I'm pretty sure that Keith Giffen should get credit for making "bwahahaha" into a thing since he's pretty much the originator of taking the 1930's robber baron mustache-twirling villain laugh and popularizing it in text ever since his1980's comic book work. But hey, whatever. It's just no longer a geek thing. It got mainstream acceptance now, so I guess it's cool enough to get into a dictionary. Whatever.

So I'm pronouncing it here and now. The English language is dead. Time to start creating its replacement.

I'll start now:

Dur gavlz qurok jingerboob sublavynz gurglesmack

That means:

I have lost all faith in humanity.

Or rather, what little faith in it I had remaining.

Let's build our new language, if for no other reason than to throw away the embarrassment of having "tweeps" in our dictionary. We will call this new language... Joeish. And we will make it the fuck up as we go along. Well, this is a different version of Joeish than the one I presently use whenever I'm just making up my own words as I go along and then publishing them in a book that people actually pay money for, but hey... I can recycle. See? I just followed the first rule of our new language. Make shit up.