Oh, Fuck These Assholes! - RTOTD #843

Day 843

I've discovered something. Today, the 3rd Friday of September, is a thing called PARK(ing) Day and this makes me want to start strolling downtown with a baseball bat in hand in case I run into one of these idiots celebrating it.

For those of you like me that have better and more interesting things to know (like when National Cleavage Day is) than what the fuck PARK(ing) Day is, here's the brief synopsis:

A bunch of fucktards go and buy some astroturf and benches and potted plants and shit from the hardware store and then go find a parking meter. They then throw some coin into the meter and buy the spot for whatever the limit is on it. So if it's 2 hours, they buy all 2 hours. If it's a 4-hour meter, then they do 4 hours. Well, once they've "acquired" the spot, they effectively squat on it. They lay down the astroturf and turn it into a little tiny mini faux-park. Until the meter runs out. And then they pack it up and find another one.

That's it. They take a day off of work (they're hipster douchenozzles and probably have the day off of their haughty $7/hour barista gig anyway because their beloved Obamacare caused their employer to cut their ours down to under 30 so they don't have to insure them becuase.. oh fuck it. You're a fucking barista and your job just isn't worth the cost of insurance. You could be replaced by the machine at Sheetz for 1/3 of your annual salary tomorrow and it would do just as good of a job) and hang out in a parking spot and read a book or something.

Yes. It's an actual thing. I just found this out and immediately became enraged.

Hey hippies, thanks for taking up one of the only reasonably priced methods of city parking during the day when you need to make a quick stop somewhere in a downtown area. You're as bad as that guy that loves to park dead balls between 2 other parked cars but is equidistant from both of them and there's not enough space on either end to fit even a Volkswagen.

Assholes. I hope you get run over. Don't you already piss us off enough by riding a bike in the middle of the street and demand to be treated like a car, while driving 15 mph under the speed limit and ignoring EVERY SINGLE TRAFFIC RULE? When's the last time you saw one of those jackasses stop at a stop sign like everyone else has to? I want to start opening my god damned passenger door on you assholes just to prove a point.

Oops, sorry. Didn't see you there. Is your neck ok? You kinda went over your handlebars. I couldn't see you cause you even ride your fucking bike in my blind spot because you're a moron. I guess you won't be riding that thing again, Christopher Reeves. Maybe you'll learn how to better operate your electric blow-tube operated wheelchair with more care to your surroundings and not feel like because you're on a bike, you're the center of the universe and the person with the most right-of-way. Oh, and I hope you don't think you can ride that Hoveround in the middle of the street like your bicycle. It might end up not working out for you very well.

But so yeah... Today is PARK(ing) Day. But I'm guessing it's not as big this year because these same pretentious assbags are too busy sitting out all night to get their ostentatious GOLD iPhone 5S today. I'm going to go buy my simple black one today, but I'm not going to sit in a fucking line and if they don't have any in stock, I'll check back next week or something.

Maybe if I see one of these knobgobblers sitting outside on an astroturf covered parking spot, I'll have to make sure I leave my car parked right next to them, in neutral, with the gas pedal floored for a few hours just for fucking fun. While I sit on the curb and keep flicking cigarettes at them.

Though I have to say, if they did like... a pool in the middle of the parking spot. One of those $99 Walmart inflatable pools? I'd have to say that was probably pretty tits. And you'd totally get props for that. But just because you're not satisfied with the bench 15 feet away on the sidewalk or don't feel like going to an actual park, then fuck you. I hate you and I hope you all get a large truck with a borderline legally blind driver that thinks it's an open parking spot and runs you all over while parallel parking.

You people suck almost as bad as Freegans or militant feminists. Or when you accidentally pass out while lounging on your "green space", I hope someone shaves 1/2 of your "ironic" mustache and superglues your buddy holly glasses to your shoes.