Just Turn Out The Lights & Exit To The Right - RTOTD #815

Day 815

Cleveland... I lived in you for a little while about a decade ago and while I didn't entirely hate you, I didn't like you very much either. But you really need to go back to bed because I think you might be a little drunk.

I wrote a blog post a little while back about how there must be something in the water up there that makes people go crazy. After the past few years, I am certain of it.

I could go back as far as the Torso Murderer and a few other crazies but just in the past few years, you had that Alt.com serial killer and the creepy fuck that kidnapped those girls and kept them chained up in his house (not in the fun way) for like a decade until that dude was outside eating his magical lucky Big Mac and happened to stumble across them and call the cops. And then today... I checked the news and oh look... another god damned serial killer in Cleveland that killed women.

There's just gotta be something in the water. I know that I felt it maybe a little before I moved out of there and kinda started losing my goddamned mind. Probably took me another year or 2 being away from that place before I started coming back to some semblance of sanity. And the craziest bitch I ever stuck my dick in was from there too. In fact, outside of about 2 people I met while I was there, there wasn't much sanity that I found in that city.

I really think this might be justification for firebombing that city into oblivion. Because it's now reached the point of being endemic of the region. Crazy motherfuckers everywhere. Between that and the Browns and just generally your history of sports loserdom, I really do think you've lost any justifiable rights to remain in existence.

So please, exit to the right and go find a new city. The City of Cleveland has been condemned. It's going to be knocked down next week and then after the scrap is salvaged, we'll just let the Earth reclaim it. Cause ya'll motherfuckers hate women up there. With every one of these crazy fucks, women are the victims. And while I think most of the feminists out there are batshit fucking crazy, how are they NOT screaming for heads to roll up there? Cause I think Cleveland DOES have a war against women going on.

There's Something In The Water - RTOTD #806

Day 806

There's gotta be something in the Cuyahoga river to explain this. I mean, the motherfucker caught fire once. That's gotta tell you something.

Cleveland is slowly climbing the list of craziest kinky fuckers in the world.

Yeah, I know some of you that I know from out there are going to get pissy about this, but there's gotta be something in that water. Because every time I hear about another kinky psycho, they end up with a Cleveland connection.

I kinda love this dude. He's awesome.

I'm sure we all heard about those girls that had been kidnapped and held for like a decade in some Cleveland suburb by some lunatics. Apparently 3 kinky brothers And I don't mean black guys. They would beat them and make them crawl around in the backyard naked on leashes.

Don't get me wrong... beating bitches and pet play is hot and all. But the non-consensual kidnapping play part? Maybe not so much. Well, unless the "victims" just really sucked as a person on every conceivable level. But at like 16... it's hard to accomplish that level of suckitude.

Brother, though? That's a whole new level of weird. 3 totally random dudes that all happen to be kinky and decide to take that shit to the next level with actual human abductions and everything? Ok, yeah. I guess I can kinda see it happening. We get these human trafficking rings all the time that involve a group of like-minded people, but 3 brothers? Well... that's just gotta be something in the water at that point. Didn't I see an episode of X-Files that went like this one time?

Hell, Sadistic Switch and Other Joe are twins and even they're like "hey yo, I think I'll do my thing over there cause it's way too weird with my brother right here." Do you know why? CAUSE IT'S FUCKING WEIRD!

If this was an isolated thing, I'd probably let it slide. If this was New York or Boston or LA or Chicago? I'd probably let that slide too. Millions of people and you're bound to have a couple crazy kinky fuckers that do nutball shit. But Cleveland? Every couple years, we're hearing about another one or a serial killer or some shit from there.

Don't we all also remember that one guy from a few years ago that used to scour ALT.com for girls? That one liked his women like he liked his coffee. Ground up and in the fridge. Or in his backyard. Or buried in his basement. Or on his living room floor. Except when he kept the heads elsewhere.

Hey, I lived out there for about 2 years. It was the worst 2 years of my life. Well, almost. The 2 years that I was sometimes fucking the DeadEx was pretty shitty too. But living in Cleveland was fucking shitty. I could totally see why they snap the fuck out and go loonie. I mean, didn't the Torso Killer teach us that living in a place like Cleveland kinda eventually does that shit to you? I know I probably would have lost my shit if I had to live in that hellhole for much longer.

Though the women ARE eminently more slutty out there. Or maybe just easier. I had a different one in my bed every few weeks for most of the time I lived there, and I had all of 3 friends there. Mostly because... well... you people like Baseball. And Basketball. And the Browns. What the fuck did I have in common with any of you? If' that and occasionally swimming in meningitis infested Lake Erie (oh dear god) was all I had to look forward to, I'd probably go nuts too.

At least Pittsburgh only has to worry about random rampage shootings. That's a whole lot more normal than kinky fuckers that kidnap teenagers and beat bitches and chop them up after knocking them up or whatever the fuck these kinky fuckers out there are doing.

You all need a fucking hobby. Or a new place to live. Maybe if Wendy's didn't close at 6:00 on a sunday night,  you'd be less apt to murderfy some broads.