There's something wrong with the universe. I am the cause of it. I hate a beer called Arrogant Bastard Ale.
Sadly, I've tried it on numerous occasions, like an Alzheimer's patient that has a cloudy memory of something but can't remember the details at all, and every single time, I hate it. I get 2 or 3 sips in and it's fucking awful. I don't know what it is about that beer that I can't stand. I think I've even tried it just because I remember that I hated it and I'm too fucking stubborn and need to conquer my hatred of the taste of this beer. I am better than that beer and my palette and I'm going to defeat them both to make the universe right.
I mean, come on... this is me we're talking about here. How perfect would it be for me to be wandering around a bar drinking something called Arrogant Bastard Ale while being my loudmouthed, narcissistic, crude, hateful self? I'll tell you exactly how fitting it would be...
EVERYTHING WOULD BE RIGHT WITH THE UNIVERSE! It would solve all of the paradoxes of science and evolution, and end both endless expansion and entropy. It would cause hungry children in Africa to suddenly have plentiful food, and end child labor in Asia. It would lower the unemployment rate back to about 3% and it would be the catalyst for colonization of the stars. It would simply make everything function better. And I plan on making the universe right. It is my duty to humanity and all unknown life alike.
I'm better than my tastebuds and I'm better than a bottle of fucking beer. If I say I should like it, even if it's just because of the name, I should fucking like it.
This brings me to thinking about beers though.
I know that most of you think that things made by Anheuser-Busch and Coors and Miller are actually beers. They are not. They are actually, clydesdale urine, the urine of skiers, and deer piss, respectively. Molson is also the collected tears of all Canadians for none of their teams winning a Stanley Cup for the past 2 decades mixed with melted hockey ice. None of them are actually beers. So for those of you that think any of those, or anything that has the word "lite" or "light" on the bottle, are actually beers... stop. Stop drinking forever. You are an embarassment to the drinkers of the world.
I know this is going to be hard for some of you Southerners. Drinking Budweiser is as normal as watching other hillbillies drive in circles while calling it a "sport", and screwing your sister/mother/prize cow. But I know you can do it. You Texans can put down your Mexican Kidney Filtered bullshit that you call Corona and you Carolinians and Georgians and everyone else in the bible belt can put down your horse piss and get a taste for something that your betters know to be real BEER. 
Try something like:
Guinness
Belhaven Wee Heavy
Delerium Nocturnum
Magic Hat #9
or something else of equal quality
There's no hope for you hipster fucks that still think it's ironic to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. You should just kill yourself. There's no hope for you. And you'd be doing the world a favor in the process. It would be the only redeeming thing you ever did. Once again proving, I'd be making the world a better place.
Where's the Scarlet Witch when you need her to wish away all the hipsters the way she did the Mutants?
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