So What's The Weirdest Place? - RTOTD #774

Day 774

So what's the weirdest or most awkward place you ever had sex? Airplane bathroom? Cargo net after being captured in a Scooby Doo style trap? Right before R2D2 saves you with his little Swiss Army Knife of contraptions he's got hidden inside his metal shell? Space? Inside an aged Oak whiskey barrel? My car with someone that is not me?

And if you answer "you're chair and a half in your living room"... you need to have a better imagination on where is "awkward" or "weird".

What's the most exhibitionist thing you've done in the past few years, or ever? Or even just the most recent fit of exhibitionism that you've engaged in?

I feel like asking YOU questions today. So come on... make with some funny stories.

I'll answer the questions too.

Most exhibitionist thing recently was getting a blowjob under the Mistlecock in my living room on my birthday. Even if it was only for a minute or 2 just for tradition sake.

And the weirdest wasn't really all that weird. It was definitely funny, but not all that weird. At least this is the only one that I can think of off the top of my head.

This happened probably 6 or 7 years ago. This girl and I were at the Pittsburgh Mills and she had been teasing me the entire time. I was frustrated and done with her shit. After grabbing her by the hair a few times to get her to cut it out, I finally told her that if she wanted to play that game, she had better be ready for the consequences.

She giggled a response and said that it was just too bad that we were in a mall and couldn't find anywhere to go. I don't know if she said this as a way to discourage me, to tease me even more, or to call my bluff. I was not however, bluffing.

I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her towards the food court. She said that taking her out of the mall to do something was cheating and that we couldn't go back to her house (she lived fairly close to the Mills) was out of the question because she was still living with her parents at the time and they would be home soon, if they were not already. I glared at her.

Me: "I wasn't planning on taking you anywhere outside this building"

An expression of curiosity mixed with fear and excitement filled her eyes. She knew that I had a plan and I was intent on carrying it out. She also knew that she was just along for the ride on this one and that her teasing might have gone too far, or maybe just far enough to get the response that she wanted. Most of the time I hate bratty bitches. This time... well... maybe I need to re-examine my issues with brats.

I dragged her by her wrist and into the food court. The area around the bathrooms was empty and the food court itself was fairly quiet. I glanced around as I started pulling her towards the bathrooms.

Girl: "You can't fuck me in the men's room! Someone is gonna come in! There's no privacy in those things. Or in the girls room either!"

Me: "Good thing there's a third option"

I pointed directly to the wall in front of us. The Men's room was to one side, and the Ladies room was down the hall that went the opposite direction. Directly in front of us was a concrete block wall, painted white, with 1 door in the dead center of it. It was marked "Family Bathroom".

She turned bright red and her eyes got enormous. Her jaw dropped and she looked at me and then the door and back to me. She stumbled out a few half words and was utterly speechless. She turned and looked around and saw that not a single eye was looking at us. I glanced around as well to make sure we weren't being seen or to make certain that there was no security camera that was directly on that door. I didn't want to be bothered by some Mall Cop knocking on the door to pitch a bitch about us fucking in the bathroom. I also didn't want them to call the real cops and have to hear some guy throwing around fancy words like "public indecency" or "indecent exposure" or anything else along those lines.

Seeing nothing but green lights in every direction, I pulled open the door and shoved her in as I followed behind and pulled the door shut behind me.

The bathroom had automatic lights. I glanced around and saw pretty much what you'd expect. A toilet, urinal, baby changing station, and a large counter with a sink and places to put all your crap while messing with baby diapers and stuff. Whatever. I didn't really care about that part of it. The room was fairly large. About 10 feet square and we would have plenty of space. It wouldn't be cramped like the Frat House Bathroom at CMU where I nailed that one girl from that story in my first book. But the problem was still that there was nothing at QUITE the right height.

The baby changing station was obviously NOT built to support an adult females body weight. Especially when it's getting plowed like a freeway after a blizzard.

The sink was slightly problematic as well. I need to be about 3 inches taller in order to effectively get the right angle and not have to stand on my tip-toes in order to enjoy it. I think that's done on purpose. I'm fairly average height at around 5'10" and I think that the sink counters are specifically built at the height that they are in order to minimize the number of people that can fuck on them effectively. I think it's a conspiracy. The puritanical church and government is in league with the contractors and the building inspectors and the land owners to do anything in their power to minimize the number of people that can fuck on a sink counter of a public place.

Assholes.

Finally, like usual, we were back to the "fuck over the toilet" option. She was wearing a skirt and I pulled her panties down quite enthusiastically, putting them in my pocket. She was not getting those back today. Not without the most enthusiastic fuck I've had in recent memory at least.

She crawled up onto the toilet seat and tried to balance with each knee on opposite sides of the seat. I stood behind her and ran myself up and down the edges of her lips. She was already quite wet. I didn't need to play around and do any of those annoying things like "preparation" or "foreplay". Those are for lessor humans. I'm better than that. I'm a wizard and my dick has magic powers. It commands wetness.

I slid fairly slowly into her at first. She was holding onto the back of the toilet. I believe it was tank less, so she was just grabbing onto the exposed pipes coming from the wall to the top of the shitter. Ok, maybe not the best word to use in this case, but fuck you... You can use whatever words you want when you're writing your own story. I picked up the pace quite quickly. That's when it gets great.

She started rocking back and forth and side to side as I increased my pace and intensity. She wasn't really paying attention to anything other than the sensations she was experiencing.

Have you ever fallen asleep upright with your hand holding your head up? You know how when you're out cold and your arm begins to slide and come out from under your head and you wake up with a start? Yeah. Imagine that but with your knees on a toilet seat instead.

It was great. She slipped. Her left knee came a half inch from hitting the water in the toilet. She jerked to pull up and regain her positioning. That's when her right knee slipped. Just as she replaced her left knee, her right knee came into contact with the water as it slid down the sloped inside of the toilet seat and into the bowl. She flinched at the cold. She pulled her knee back as quickly as she could. She replaced it on the seat, but the damage had been done. Her knee was now wet and she had just gotten the toilet seat wet as well. This was a poor combination.

For the next few minutes. Every 15 to 20 seconds, she would have to reposition herself as her right knee again began slipping into the toilet bowl again. She was annoyed by this. Or maybe it was from my laughing. But she didn't ask me to stop. She was enjoying the sensations too much as I pounded into her over and over. She would drift off into the euphoria of sex before getting startled back out of it by a slipping knee. She would pull it back out, reset her position and begin to drift off into the sensations washing over her body again, only for it to happen again. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

I was giggling under my breath and trying not to fall into a full-on hysterical fit. It was a losing battle.

At some point, she looked back over her shoulder at me and glared. It too everything I had not to laugh in her face in response.

I was close. I pulled out and kept stroking while I told her to turn around. She was still glaring. Well, maybe that's not the right word. She had this mix of hatred and lust in her eyes, interspersed with a far-away 1000-yard stare of approaching orgasm. I grabbed her head and pulled her mouth onto my dick. She was looking at me with eyes that said both "I might bite it off" and "oh god, feed me" at the same time.

We finished and cleaned up. The bathroom however, had no paper towel. It only had the air blower things. Her lower legs were dripping water and even just trying to wick the water off with her hands would only go so far. She needed something to wipe them off. She wanted me to use my sleeve. I had other ideas.

I pulled her panties out of my back pocket and said "use these".

Girl: "But then they'll be wet when I put them back on!"

Me: "Then don't put them back on."

She stared at me for a second before resigning herself to her fate. She wiped her legs down with her panties and tried to figure out somewhere to put them. Her purse was small and the panties were pretty wet by this point. She looked at me as though to ask me to carry them in my pocket without opening her mouth. I motioned to the trash can. She hung her head for a second and resigned herself for the second time in as many minutes. She threw them away.

We came out of the bathroom and were happily NOT greeted by Rent-A-Cops or even actual honest-to-jeebus police mans. We were however, confronted by a woman whose expression quickly went from "perfectly normal" to "insanely angry" once she saw us both exit the Family Restroom with no child in-tow. She opened her mouth to scream but thought better of it when her toddler pulled her hand towards the open bathroom door. I flashed a devious smile and let out a hearty laugh as I pulled the girl away from the increasingly angry woman.

So while that was far from the most odd or uncomfortable place to have sex, I thought that the story justified its inclusion on this list. Let's hear yours.