Welcome Back - RTOTD #865

Day 865

Welcome back... welcome back, welcome back, wel-commme baaacckkkk

Sorry. I got the "Welcome Back, Kotter" theme song in my head. Or maybe it was a Ma$e song from back in the day. I don't remember. I think the one sampled the other for their track. Fucking time-traveling 70's tv show producers. Still stealing from the black guy, even if you stole it from him 40 years in the future. Assholes.

But so getting back to my point... the original porn goddess is returning. Jenna Jameson is going back to porn. No joke.

Why, you ask? Why does ANY porn girl go back to porn? She's broke as fuck again. Staying in LA after retiring and whatever the fuck she was taking that made her so obviously trashed on a morning show a few weeks ago probably costs a lot of money. And even being a millionaire doesn't last forever when you stick it all up your nose or in your arm or down your throat. So they go back to what they know. Fucking for money on camera. Hell, she's been away from it so long now and hasn't done a dude on camera in so long that she's almost a virgin again. But well... hahaha... yea no.

So welcome back, Jenna. I don't know who really wants to watch you fuck on camera anymore, but I'm sure someone does. Don't go broke this time. I don't think your body can handle the extra surgeries at this point and nobody is gonna want to see you try to do another comeback 10 years from now if you don't make all the bank you need this time around.

Soooo... wanna take bets on who hires her and how much she ends up getting? I got money that says she's gotta put out twice the product per year to make even close to what she was making before. And fuck dudes on camera again cause she had some rule about that for a while or something.

Here's Your Trophy - RTOTD #859

Day 859

Some Texas highschool football team beat another team 91-0. What do you think the response to this was?

A parent of the losing team filed a "bullying" complaint with the district. I'm not joking. Needless to say, the charges were dropped and rightfully so. They had no merit.

I would say that I have no words, but well... come on. This is me we're talking about. I always have words for something that amuses me.

Have we really reached the point where getting your ass beat in sports is a "bullying" accusation? Are we really that much of a load of pussies in this society anymore that sports are now a source of bullying? When they snapped the ball and ran it and got into the open field on every 3rd play with a clear track for the endzone, were they just supposed to sit down and wait to be tackled because it would be nicer for the other team? Would kneeling down and letting yourself go 3-and-out every possession after it was 49-0 so the other team got a chance be better for their self-esteem?  Maybe mix up the teams and let them split the talent, because the other guys obviously suck and even if you let them score, they'd find a way to fuck it up. Maybe some own-goal type shit? Would patronizing them make them feel better?

Hey, I mean... we all knew there were those couple *cough* most *cough* guys on the football team in highschool that were pretty big douchebags. But if you're playing competitive sports at any level, you gotta sack the fuck up and learn to live with an ass beating. Even one of epic proportions.

And this is also why parents are horrible human beings that need to be tested before they're allowed anywhere near their kids sporting events. This should be the litmus test for that. I'll even make it multiple-choice:

"If your kids team gets handed a beating that would make the Old-Testament God envious of its severity, would you:
A) just tell them to quit after they stop crying because overcoming difficulty isn't a useful life lesson
B) give the kid a participation trophy
C) console them for a few minutes & then tell them to work harder so they never have to feel that kind of beating again or
D) complain to the school district that it's not fair and hurt his self esteem"

If you answer anything other than C, you're not allowed to be there anymore. Period.

Participation trophies. No keeping score. Equal playing time for everyone. Charges filed when you win too convincingly. Or pretty much any of that touchy-feely bullshit. Can we find the people that started this shit and beat them with sacks filled with pennies?

The world is filled with that asshat highschool football player that tries to bully anyone that crosses their path that day. Deal with it. And that does not include going Columbine on them or crying to your mommy, daddy and teachers. Man the fuck up. Girls and boys get pushed around by other people all the time. You're not going to change them. You're just going to end up looking like a whiny bitch. You're going to lose at a game. You're sometimes going to get your ass beat at something so bad that Rodney King would think he got off easy. You're not a delicate special fucking snowflake and the sooner you learn that, the sooner you're going to learn how to exist in the world.

Except me. I'm a super special fucking snowflake that's specialer than the specialest special snowflake ever made. So when I bully you or insult you or make you look like you don't even belong in the same room as me, just remember it's because I have the right. I'm just better than you.

Infamy - RTOTD #807

Day 807

There's days where I can't tell if I have a little bit of fame when I meet new people or if it's more infamy. I've had the experience a few times. I've met new people who are like "I know you" and others who have said "you're that writer guy" and even others that have said "oh.... you". I can never quite tell if it's fame or infamy. Granted, on a small scale, but still.

And the other thing is... I can't quite figure out which one is better. Is it more fun to be someone that people already know before you even say hi. Or is it more fun to be that guy that people argue about from afar. Because I've experienced a good deal of both since I originally dug this (previously) daily column up from the ash heap of my old Myspace account circa 2007 and turned it into a thing that people looked forward to reading. And to be honest, I'm not sure which I like more: The guy people love or the shock jock.

Though I guess the guy in the black hat doing shit to piss people off and make enemies and hurt feelings IS a lot more fun.

Slug:

"I want a fanbase full of jealous husbands and ex lovers"

I bring this up because I woke up this morning and decided to check Fet for shits and giggles. I haven't been looking there, much less posting ... well... anything in like 2 months. I figured I should at least check in and see if anything cool came up. What do I see? Half my damn feed was filled with a bunch of people fighting. That's not shocking. That's all the damn thing is useful for anymore. But the topic was kinda suprising because it was about me. It was this dueling blogs back & forth thing between some chick I kinda knew a little bit and met once or twice a few years ago and a bunch of people who I couldn't pick out of a lineup.

But the best part of it all was this: Every single one of them are 1,000 miles away in a city I've never even been to. I don't think I could even pick Jacksonville off a map, to be honest. I know they have a shitty football team and an ass-load of strip clubs. But that strip club thing might be Tampa. I really have no concept of relative locations in Florida. It's America's wang. That's like me caring about where anything is in California or Canada or Detroit. They're all foreign countries that speak a mixed bag of gibberish swirled in with poor english. I just can't bring myself to and if they all fell into the ocean, nobody would care.

While that was all interesting enough, the biggest thing I'm still curious about is where the fuck this came from? I mean... ok, it's the spring. At this point, I can set my watch to the "it's spring, time to put Joe's personal life under the microscope again" thing, but I'm at least used to it being a local thing.

Quit changing this shit up on me.

I'm over here minding my own damned business and somehow the argument popped up again, except 1,000 miles south of where it normally does. It's not even like I'm sitting around and doing commentary on the community anymore. I got out of that business a while ago. Commenting on that shit is just asking to get dragged into a cesspool of idiots, pretentious asshats, and moral crusaders who think they knew better than everyone else.

And I really don't feel like trying to wash the smell of that steaming pile of horse shit out of my clothes.

So I'm gonna go back over to my corner and keep working on the 2nd book, decompressing a little bit, watching hockey, and being actually quite mellow. I'll let ya'll keep fighting about some mysterious person 1,000 miles away who none of you actually know, with 2nd and 3rd hand information, and yelling at each other. I might even sit in with a little bag of popcorn. But I have to tell you... this does prove something:

If this is infamy, it's kinda cool, because I'm a narcissistic ass and a bunch of borderline strangers devoting that much effort to fighting about me does nothing but feed my ego. So thanks for that.

Down The Rabbit Hole Redux - RTOTD #804

Day 804

Wait... so a feminist at UConn is throwing a hissy fit over the new UConn Huskies school logo. She even wrote a letter to the president of the university about it.

What is her complaint?

The new logo is too intimidating looking and conjures images of rape and sexual assault.

Because of a logo. A cartoon drawing of a dog.

I'm going to pause and let that sink in while reminiscing about other times feminists decide to opine about things regarding sports and how fucking retarded they often sound to anyone with an ounce of common sense.

I hope she knows that the Girl's Basketball team is also wearing those jerseys with that logo.

"Oh shit, what's that? Is that my teammate about to pass me the ball or a dog waiting to rape me?!?! I don't know! I'm terrified because I'm just a girl and can't tell the difference between a cartoon drawing on a shirt and sexual assault!!"

This is weird, because for some reason, I seem to remember talking about something very similar to this once before in the past. Hmmm...some little thing about rape and sports and feminists going off the deep end about shit (which is sadly too often) and losing their goddamned minds. Didn't I write some little note on Fet that might have been TOTALLY ignored and nobody ever read... hmmm... what was that one about?

*EVIL GRIN*

And I also vaguely remember something about male feminists.

I gotta ask though... since this broad thinks an aggressive cartoon dog reminds her of rape, is her letter an admission that someone might have done some naughty things with a dog? Or maybe she just had some nightmares after watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Cool World. I know... it freaked me the fuck out to see Doctor Emmett Brown turn into goop at the end of that movie too.

Seriously... that dude hasn't aged since before Back To The Future came out.

You all are free to tell he how horrible of a human being I am in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...