Random Thought Of The Day #660

Day 660

I didn't sleep last night. I just stared at the ceiling and then watched Netflix and then stared at the ceiling some more and then more Netflix until it was time to get up for work.

And I totally forgot that the other day was Roswell Crash Day. If it wasn't for that fateful day, 65 years ago, in the asshole of the country that is most of New Mexico and the southwest, we wouldn't have people like this asshole from Ancient Aliens and his fucking insane hair to make internet memes about.

But I guess we'd just pick some other crazy asshole to make internet memes about instead. Because... apparently we have nothing better to do. And we'd still have that "I just met you" girl to make fun of instead.

So in conclusion... I hate you all and I hope you all die in a fiery, painful, explosive-ridden manner. Preferably involving some sort of space craft. Because...



Aliens.

Yeah... I just cross-meme'd your ass!

RTOTD #659.1

Day 659.1

So in the past few weeks, we've finally observed the Higgs-Boson particle AND Dark Matter. We're figuring out the structure of the universe significantly more than we have in decades. Just knowing that our theoretical science is right is huge and a major step forward for humanity.

Yeah... this is right around the time that something REALLY fucked up happens.

I promise I won't be the one to cause it.

Then again, I also promised not to hide in your attic until you fall asleep anymore. And you might not know, but I do... that I didn't keep that promise.

Sweet dreams, children.

Random Thought Of The Day #659

Day 659
So, I've been thinking about this and it's a thought that keeps popping into my head every time I read a profile here or on OKC or pretty much anywhere.

Why is it necessary for people to say that they "enjoy having fun" or "having a good time" or something along those lines? Was there or is there a rash of people that hate being miserable and yet constantly are that I'm not aware of? Because well... if they love being miserable, then they're actually having their own definition of fun. If they love having a shitty time, then they're actually having a good time for themselves.

"Fun" or "good" are objective terms that describe subjective experiences. Having a red hot poker shoved up my ass and having my dick chopped off might sound like a fucking blast to some people but at the same time, it sounds like... well... like having a red hot poker shoved up their ass and their dick chopped off... to pretty much every other human being on the planet. Namely, a fucking nightmare.

But do you get what I'm saying here? A ballet might be the most fun thing ever for you. It sounds like fucking torture for me.

And taking the ballet example again... for me, as it would be fucking torture, even that could be fun. If I liked being tortured. But if I did NOT like being tortured, then it would be not fun. See how that works?

It's like proving a negative. Fun could be playing with puppies or being stabbed repeatedly by sharp fucking pokey things, depending on who you are. Not fun would require it to be something that you dislike and then doing simply because you dislike it while getting no enjoyment from it.

Fuck, even a masochist loves the endorphin and adrenaline rush from getting the shit beaten out of them. So they're getting something out of it.

So saying that you like having a good time and having fun is fucking stupid. The only thing you're saying is "Hi, I'm not batshit crazy and do not want to be absolutely miserable all the time without getting enjoyment from my misery."

I think it should be assumed at this point.

Then again, some people are fucking nuts.

Random Thought Of The Day #658

Day 658

There is nothing more distinctly American than cooking a shitload of meat, drinking to excess, and blowing shit up while sitting outside.

You know what, though? Fuck these mid-week holidays.  You can't enjoy them. You have to celebrate so fucking early that if you don't time shit right, you end up passed out on the couch 2 hours before fireworks even start. Or if you wait too late or don't time things right, you end up drinking until like 11 or midnight and then when you try to wake up at 5 or 6 am, your body kinda actually looks at your responsible-adult-part-of-your-brain and says "oh, go fuck yourself, asshole. That was your idea last night. This is your problem this morning."

I think I've mentioned the Holiday Theorem before, right? The one that says there's only 2 kinds of holidays. Hallmark holidays and Drinking holidays. And all holidays fit one or both of these categories. You either get loaded or you send a fucking card. Sometimes you do both, but you  never do neither. Unless it's a made-up holiday like that sequal to Valentine's Day in August, or secretary's day. The closest that you get to not doing either would be Thanksgiving, but tell me you don't get turkey-coma and trashed from dealing with that much family for that long?

Though "Bring Your Dog To Work" Day should be a drinking holiday. It really should. Leave a bowl of beer out for the dog too. Everyone just plays with puppies all day. It'll be a cute little cuddle puddle of drunken idiots and puppies.

Also, this should totally be "Women Wear Short Skirts To Work" Day as well. Because girls kneeling down or crouching down or laying down while cuddling with a dogs is an up-the-skirt shot waiting to happen no matter what position you are at.

But so... the Holiday Theorem. Well... this should be adopted everywhere. Federally fucking defined categories. And anything that is categorized as a Drinking holiday that falls mid-week needs to mandate an extra day off work for "recovery". Because it's kinda bullshit that you're expected to stay capable of going to work the next day after a day as synonymous with being a slopped up drunk playing with firecrackers as possible. I mean... just the number of grill or fireworks burns that show up the day after 4th of July should be grounds for this. Give the burns an extra day to heal before coming back to work.

Random Thought Of The Day #657

Day 657 

Hmmm... I'm working on the introduction for the book and it's weird. I've never really written anything like this.

I have to keep taking a break to go write more of the "Hold my beer and watch this" story as I remember it all. And as I'm reminded of it from friends. There's just some nights that you really should have died and somehow didn't. This was one of them. There's absolutely no reason that I shoulad have been alive after this, but somehow I am. So needless to say... there's periods of it that I can't quite remember. And parts that blend together a little bit.

Here's some of the stories that I've come up with that are almost definitely going to be in it so far. About half of these, I haven't written about. And probably a good chunk of them, I've never even told anyone about. Sometimes, because the statute of limitations wasn't yet up on them.

But here's what I got:

The Imaginary Relationship story
Girl mistakenly invites Joe & Friends to a party. Things break.
Spontaneous Anal
The "Hold My Beer & Watch This" story
"Oh, so it's an assault rifle kinda party, is it?"
Slut gets drunk and snorts adderall. Wants to go jogging at 3am
An Egg of Hash
Chloroform Snowboarding
Beer Case Sled Riding
A Conversation with Merlin the Magician
Free Lap Dances & the War with My Liver
The Myrtle Beach Roadtrip
RTOTD #352 (Original Version AND all replies... use-names hidden)
"It's OK, I Know What I'm Doing!"
The Pepper Spray Story
Vaseline & Doorknobs
"What are we going to do with all these construction signs?"

and a few others. A number of strip club stories. And some other party stories as I remember them. Some shorter stories. Some random thoughts. And some of the stories that you've read so far are going to be longer. Because other things happened during those stories that I omitted from the original postings of them. Either because I didn't know how to make them funny at the time or because I just didnt remember parts.

And often, because the full stories were just too long. The Bullhorn story was only 1 part of the Myrtle Beach Roadtrip Story. And the World's Largest Slip N Slide story was  only 1 part of the Egg of Hash story. So if I were to write the WHOLE story here.. well... it's going to be WAY too fucking long to post as just a blog post. So... I cut it down to only 1 part of a larger story.

And if you have any other favorites that you'd like to see in there, let me know. Because most likely, they're part of larger stories that can get expounded upon. And I KNOW that I've forgotten even all of them that I've told.

But that reminds me... I need girls for the book cover. I think I have 1 already. I need a blonde though. Long hair. Skinny. If you have a tramp stamp or ink on your back, even better.  Your face won't be shown. It's not a paying thing. I dont' NEED it, but I have an idea ofor the cover that will be pretty funny and I need 1 brunette and 1 blonde. I can do it with just the brunette, but it'll be funnier with both. But if you want your ass on the cover of a book, let me know.

RTOTD #656.1

Day 656.1

I think there's an epidemic of girls that are totally NOT of legal age getting a bunch of ink done. And it's freaking me out.

I know this is a revelation, but I love girls with ink. A great body will draw my attention. A pretty face as well. But what keeps it is any body modifications they have. And ink is a pretty obvious one.

So when a group of us were at Cedar Point this weekend and I started to notice (and have pointed out to me) girls that had a bunch of ink that, upon inspection of their face, I couldn't tell if they were 15 or 23... I kinda freaked out.

Maybe I'm just getting old and can't quite distinguish anymore. Maybe I'm just getting old and 21 or 19 is starting to look no different than jailbait. And I'm automatically assuming a 5-year cushion in order to be on the safe side... but still.

We were in line for one ride and there were a number of people in front of us when my one roomie poked me and asked "how old do you think that girl is?" about the girl in the group directly in front of us.

I took a glance out of the corner of my eye at her face and said "couldn't be a day over 16"

And after a moment of hessitation she told me "look at her back when she turns around"

I waited a moment and then, when her back was to me, staring right at me, was a rather large tattoo across the top of her back.

It was at that moment that I realized I'm no longer able to effectively judge the age of any girl and I swear to fucking christ, I'm going to start demanding that girls to wear their ID's on a necklace in front of them so that I can see it clearly before uttering a single word.

I used to use ink as a pretty good determining factor when speaking to someone in that gray area. The 17-22 range where a lot of girls can look older than their age or younger. Ink was a pretty clear indicator in most cases. Sure, there were the occasional times when a parent would sign for their kid to get a tattoo under 18, but that was few and far between. Going by that rule was generally pretty safe. But now, it seems to me that this has become an epidemic. And it's freaking me the fuck out.

This again, brings up my Potato Sack Policy idea that I've had since I was 19. Girls under 18 must wear a potato sack at all times in order for us to know. Plus... a potato sack is totally unappealing on every conceivable level... Unless you have an Idaho starch fetish. Which would be weird. So with it being so ugly, and obvious... well... it mitigates the "oh shit, I'm going to jail!" factor.

Oh... but then fashion will find a way to incorporate the potato sack into fashion so 20-something and 30-something girls can dress like a teenager again. And then we're back to square fucking one.

Instead... I'm going to automatically assume that everyone that isn't obviously within 2 years of my age one way or the other is either illegal or a fossil from now on. But then again, I'm probably also being creepy by even looking at girls that are in that gray area. Cause I'm becoming an old fuck. Or maybe only pick up girls in bars. Because even if they're there on a fake ID, they're most likely at least 18 and legal.

Random Thought Of The Day #656

Day 656

It's day 2 of NHL free agency. And almost nothing of consequence happened yesterday.

So it's pretty much a glue-sniffing day. NHL free agency, NHL trade-deadline day, and NHL draft-days are pretty much my holidays. I mean... I have to share them with those maple syrup snorting Eh-holes from north of the border, but whatever.

Canada can suck it.

America is better. And I'm better than all of Canada combinred.

So in the meantime... here's some porn to hold you over until I have something more interesting to say.

RTOTD #655.1

Day 655.1

To go along with the Application from the other day... for those that didn't read Deay 653 (or whatever it was when I came up with this ridiculous bullshit)... the Instructions & Submission Guidelines for the Application. This is page 1 of a double-sided application.

Enjoy

Random Thought Of The Day #655

Day 655

Gay or straight. Conservative or Progressive. Religious or atheist. Color blind or not.

It doesn't matter.

NOBODY can get pissed off about an Oreo with 500% more creme filling as before. It is impossible.


Much love in the fight for equality.

Unless they don't have any milk. Then... well... that would suck.

Wait... is that a 6-layer regular Oreo or a 6-layer double stuffed Oreo. Cause if it's double-stuffed... that's like...an alotta-stuffed Oreo. I don't know what the term for twelve is...

But does that make it a sex-stuffed Oreo if it's the normal Oreo? Cause the double-entendre there is kind of amusing.

Random Thought Of The Day #654

Day 654

You all are some uncreative bastards... stealing my application to use for yourself. Well, maybe not stealing cause I'm kinda just saying "yeah sure, take it" But you're still a bunch of uncreative bastards.

Though I will laugh my balls off the first time one of these gets handed to me or sent to me if it really does become a "thing" in the kink world. Seriously.. how else do you respond to something like that?

"Yeah, I'm not filling that out"

"why not?"

"Because I fucking invented that. I wrote the original"

"no you didn't"

"The original referenced it not counting when you got drunkenly ganbanged by 14 frat guys in Cancun but don't remember except for some sore holes in the morning. And I demanded they also do my laundry. I'm not filling out a bastardized and not nearly as funny version of my own application. But you can fill mine out if you want. Though I don't think you really have a shot. Maybe you prove me wrong with your answers. Good luck"

and hand her a copy of my own application as I walk away.

How I managed to be the first to create a play-partner application form is beyond me.

Oh, right... it's because I'm fucking amazing. And you can't compete.

How the fuck that shit was NOT Kinky & Popular, I have no idea. FetLife is using alchemy to run that shit. Turns shit into gold and ignores the gold that's out there.

I do have to say though, the only downside of being the center of the internets for a day is that nothing else happens for me to write about the next day. Except my own awesomeness. And while I have no qualms about that, and I know you love reading about your betters, it gets boring for me.

Oh... and on an entirely unrelated note.


wait for it...

wait for it...


I'm going to be self-publishing an eBook. I'm not 100% sure which service I'm going to use yet. But most of the stories I've been telling recently and a few more that I won't be posting here will be in it. As well as a few select previous writings that I think were my better work. And some other totally new material. I'm not sure exactly when... but soon is the goal. I have decided that I really do want to pursue this writing thing a little more.

And I already have a working title:

Hold My Beer and Watch This: and other stories of a life gone horribly weird

I hope you buy it. I need to afford to keep drinking to excess and hosting parties while being a belligerent asshole. It'll have some of the stuff I've already posted, new material, and some really obscure stuff that I love. Because I never posted the story where "Here, hold my beer and watch this" became known as the "famous last words".

Plus, I know what spellcheck is. So it's already better than like 75% of the other self-published e-books out there.

Maybe that wasn't entirely unrelated. My awesomeness is always related.