There Is No Room For Fiction...

...When Life Is This Strange

It's Coming....

 

 

7/4/13

Infamy - RTOTD #807

Day 807

There's days where I can't tell if I have a little bit of fame when I meet new people or if it's more infamy. I've had the experience a few times. I've met new people who are like "I know you" and others who have said "you're that writer guy" and even others that have said "oh.... you". I can never quite tell if it's fame or infamy. Granted, on a small scale, but still.

And the other thing is... I can't quite figure out which one is better. Is it more fun to be someone that people already know before you even say hi. Or is it more fun to be that guy that people argue about from afar. Because I've experienced a good deal of both since I originally dug this (previously) daily column up from the ash heap of my old Myspace account circa 2007 and turned it into a thing that people looked forward to reading. And to be honest, I'm not sure which I like more: The guy people love or the shock jock.

Though I guess the guy in the black hat doing shit to piss people off and make enemies and hurt feelings IS a lot more fun.

Slug:

"I want a fanbase full of jealous husbands and ex lovers"

I bring this up because I woke up this morning and decided to check Fet for shits and giggles. I haven't been looking there, much less posting ... well... anything in like 2 months. I figured I should at least check in and see if anything cool came up. What do I see? Half my damn feed was filled with a bunch of people fighting. That's not shocking. That's all the damn thing is useful for anymore. But the topic was kinda suprising because it was about me. It was this dueling blogs back & forth thing between some chick I kinda knew a little bit and met once or twice a few years ago and a bunch of people who I couldn't pick out of a lineup.

But the best part of it all was this: Every single one of them are 1,000 miles away in a city I've never even been to. I don't think I could even pick Jacksonville off a map, to be honest. I know they have a shitty football team and an ass-load of strip clubs. But that strip club thing might be Tampa. I really have no concept of relative locations in Florida. It's America's wang. That's like me caring about where anything is in California or Canada or Detroit. They're all foreign countries that speak a mixed bag of gibberish swirled in with poor english. I just can't bring myself to and if they all fell into the ocean, nobody would care.

While that was all interesting enough, the biggest thing I'm still curious about is where the fuck this came from? I mean... ok, it's the spring. At this point, I can set my watch to the "it's spring, time to put Joe's personal life under the microscope again" thing, but I'm at least used to it being a local thing.

Quit changing this shit up on me.

I'm over here minding my own damned business and somehow the argument popped up again, except 1,000 miles south of where it normally does. It's not even like I'm sitting around and doing commentary on the community anymore. I got out of that business a while ago. Commenting on that shit is just asking to get dragged into a cesspool of idiots, pretentious asshats, and moral crusaders who think they knew better than everyone else.

And I really don't feel like trying to wash the smell of that steaming pile of horse shit out of my clothes.

So I'm gonna go back over to my corner and keep working on the 2nd book, decompressing a little bit, watching hockey, and being actually quite mellow. I'll let ya'll keep fighting about some mysterious person 1,000 miles away who none of you actually know, with 2nd and 3rd hand information, and yelling at each other. I might even sit in with a little bag of popcorn. But I have to tell you... this does prove something:

If this is infamy, it's kinda cool, because I'm a narcissistic ass and a bunch of borderline strangers devoting that much effort to fighting about me does nothing but feed my ego. So thanks for that.

There's Something In The Water - RTOTD #806

Day 806

There's gotta be something in the Cuyahoga river to explain this. I mean, the motherfucker caught fire once. That's gotta tell you something.

Cleveland is slowly climbing the list of craziest kinky fuckers in the world.

Yeah, I know some of you that I know from out there are going to get pissy about this, but there's gotta be something in that water. Because every time I hear about another kinky psycho, they end up with a Cleveland connection.

I kinda love this dude. He's awesome.

I'm sure we all heard about those girls that had been kidnapped and held for like a decade in some Cleveland suburb by some lunatics. Apparently 3 kinky brothers And I don't mean black guys. They would beat them and make them crawl around in the backyard naked on leashes.

Don't get me wrong... beating bitches and pet play is hot and all. But the non-consensual kidnapping play part? Maybe not so much. Well, unless the "victims" just really sucked as a person on every conceivable level. But at like 16... it's hard to accomplish that level of suckitude.

Brother, though? That's a whole new level of weird. 3 totally random dudes that all happen to be kinky and decide to take that shit to the next level with actual human abductions and everything? Ok, yeah. I guess I can kinda see it happening. We get these human trafficking rings all the time that involve a group of like-minded people, but 3 brothers? Well... that's just gotta be something in the water at that point. Didn't I see an episode of X-Files that went like this one time?

Hell, Sadistic Switch and Other Joe are twins and even they're like "hey yo, I think I'll do my thing over there cause it's way too weird with my brother right here." Do you know why? CAUSE IT'S FUCKING WEIRD!

If this was an isolated thing, I'd probably let it slide. If this was New York or Boston or LA or Chicago? I'd probably let that slide too. Millions of people and you're bound to have a couple crazy kinky fuckers that do nutball shit. But Cleveland? Every couple years, we're hearing about another one or a serial killer or some shit from there.

Don't we all also remember that one guy from a few years ago that used to scour ALT.com for girls? That one liked his women like he liked his coffee. Ground up and in the fridge. Or in his backyard. Or buried in his basement. Or on his living room floor. Except when he kept the heads elsewhere.

Hey, I lived out there for about 2 years. It was the worst 2 years of my life. Well, almost. The 2 years that I was sometimes fucking the DeadEx was pretty shitty too. But living in Cleveland was fucking shitty. I could totally see why they snap the fuck out and go loonie. I mean, didn't the Torso Killer teach us that living in a place like Cleveland kinda eventually does that shit to you? I know I probably would have lost my shit if I had to live in that hellhole for much longer.

Though the women ARE eminently more slutty out there. Or maybe just easier. I had a different one in my bed every few weeks for most of the time I lived there, and I had all of 3 friends there. Mostly because... well... you people like Baseball. And Basketball. And the Browns. What the fuck did I have in common with any of you? If' that and occasionally swimming in meningitis infested Lake Erie (oh dear god) was all I had to look forward to, I'd probably go nuts too.

At least Pittsburgh only has to worry about random rampage shootings. That's a whole lot more normal than kinky fuckers that kidnap teenagers and beat bitches and chop them up after knocking them up or whatever the fuck these kinky fuckers out there are doing.

You all need a fucking hobby. Or a new place to live. Maybe if Wendy's didn't close at 6:00 on a sunday night,  you'd be less apt to murderfy some broads.

Leave Them No Ground To Go To - RTOTD #805

Day 805

Remember when LA County passed that stupid condom law last year where porn stars had to use condoms on any movie filmed in the county? And remember when the porn business said that they'd leave if it was passed? And remember when LA County didn't believe them and passed it anyway?

Well, they left and LA County is sitting there going "I don't know what happened?!?!?"

They mostly went down the road to the next county. That next county is now about to try to pass the same law. I bet when everyone tells this new county that passing the same stupid law means the porn biz will leave there as well, they won't believe it either. I guess they don't want the hundreds of millions of dollars that the porn business makes and they can tax either.

I always love seeing California plan to do something stupid, be told why it's stupid and not to do it, ignore all warnings about the detriments of doing it, do it anyways and then be left confused when the warnings they were given come to pass.

Because fuck you, Los Angeles.

When you realize how much tax money you lost from this stupid law & repeal it, think about changing your "no booze & fully nude strippers in the same place" law too. Your strip clubs suck compared to Pittsburgh. And really.... How could you possibly let that happen? I mean really.... That's sad.

I think someone was reading too much Sun Tzu recently. But it is California afterall. They pretty much get everything wrong anymore. I guess they somehow forgot that business is needed for those pesky things like "jobs" and "income" and "tax revenue" and stuff.

Maybe all that "speaking spanish and english" everywhere thing fucked up some translations when you added in Chinese. They managed to mix up Enemy and Business in translation.

Right? Maybe? Come on, I'm throwing you a fucking bone here, California. Just take it.

Down The Rabbit Hole Redux - RTOTD #804

Day 804

Wait... so a feminist at UConn is throwing a hissy fit over the new UConn Huskies school logo. She even wrote a letter to the president of the university about it.

What is her complaint?

The new logo is too intimidating looking and conjures images of rape and sexual assault.

Because of a logo. A cartoon drawing of a dog.

I'm going to pause and let that sink in while reminiscing about other times feminists decide to opine about things regarding sports and how fucking retarded they often sound to anyone with an ounce of common sense.

I hope she knows that the Girl's Basketball team is also wearing those jerseys with that logo.

"Oh shit, what's that? Is that my teammate about to pass me the ball or a dog waiting to rape me?!?! I don't know! I'm terrified because I'm just a girl and can't tell the difference between a cartoon drawing on a shirt and sexual assault!!"

This is weird, because for some reason, I seem to remember talking about something very similar to this once before in the past. Hmmm...some little thing about rape and sports and feminists going off the deep end about shit (which is sadly too often) and losing their goddamned minds. Didn't I write some little note on Fet that might have been TOTALLY ignored and nobody ever read... hmmm... what was that one about?

*EVIL GRIN*

And I also vaguely remember something about male feminists.

I gotta ask though... since this broad thinks an aggressive cartoon dog reminds her of rape, is her letter an admission that someone might have done some naughty things with a dog? Or maybe she just had some nightmares after watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Cool World. I know... it freaked me the fuck out to see Doctor Emmett Brown turn into goop at the end of that movie too.

Seriously... that dude hasn't aged since before Back To The Future came out.

You all are free to tell he how horrible of a human being I am in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

DESTROY - RTOTD #803

Day 803

I've been trying to figure out what Douglas Murray reminds me of for a week or so now. Last night, I discovered the answer.

*yes, this is a combination hockey & comic book joke. Many of you won't get it if you don't watch Pens game and/or have never read an X-Men comic or watched the cartoon in the 90's. But fuck you, it's funny to me.

This Is Only A Test - RTOTD #802

Day 802

Over the past week, I've got 90% done with a major revision to Hold My Beer & Watch This. There's no new material really, just some serious editing done on it. And to be honest, the first time around... I liked the product. I just didn't love it. This time around...  fucking LOVE the book that it's turning out to be. Seriously... if you didn't but it yet... no joke... WAIT. Just wait. Don't buy the eBook. Don't buy the kindle. Don't buy the print (especially don't buy the print book). Just wait. I did some cool shit with it this time and to be honest? I think it's quite possibly something that I'm going to look at shopping to publishers now. The editing worked wonders for the way it flows.

The first edition is like the RTOTD edition of the book. I sat down, banged it out, did some minor revisions and then threw it out into the wilderness to see if it would survive. It did. To a degree.

But this version is much more of a finished product. It might lose a little bit of that punk rock writing vibe of "fuck editing, fuck publishing, read this shit!" that the first edition had, but it gains a lot too. I made it more visual. If you can really make something that you're reading with your eyes visual. But I guess that means no James Earl Jones to do the audiobook unless it's going to include a music producer dropping in samples from time to time.

To give you an example:

So I guess there's just new presentation and a little more exposition but not really new material.

But I'm mostly writing this just to test out the way BDSMfriendBook's blog integration works and if it'll update there as I update here.

If so... it might mean that the mirroring to Fet is not long for this world. But we'll see.

We'll see.

And in case you haven't heard yet... the next book has a title:

Booze, Bondage and Bad Decisions

Because apparently I like alliteration.

Murderizer - RTOTD #801

Day 801

A thought came to me today & I felt compelled to share it. Because I'm a gracious deity & you have sort-of behaved recently.

I think we should begin a new tradition. I've always been curious as to why Good Friday is labeled as such. A motherfucker got murdered & we call it Good Friday. And in the same way that names matter and we should begin calling Killer Whales by their true name of Death Dolphins, we should rename Good Friday & give it some significance.

I say that the new name for it should be Murder Friday.

And to go along with the new names, a new tradition. Now, I haven't worked out all the kinks in it yet, but I think that... Once a year.... We all get together, vote for the person most likely to be the 2nd coming... And kill them. If they come back, we know we found the right guy.

Or we just get together and kill someone we don't like. Or a Flyers fan. Or just a Flyer.

Just an idea. It makes sense, right? I totally think it makes sense.

Evolution: Phase II - RTOTD #800

Day 800

I've been writing this thing again for yet another 400 days. The first 400 were FetLife exclusive, with the other 400 days as a sort-of "phase 2" which, to be honest, should have culminated in the book release as poetic justice or sometthing, but I kept going for another 100 or so days after that.

In the last few years that I've been writing this, it's gone from me just venting about something like not getting enough sleep to threatening to active subliminal suicide messages embedded in the writing, to becoming a commentator about pretty much anything in the local kink community. And then I needed a break.

I came back to this thing 400 writing-days ago with a slightly different focus. I started telling more stories. I would comment on larger issues outside of the kink world. I would occasionally bitch about something or get analytical about some of my bigger kinks. I effectively started editorializing on a larger scale, and with a signficantly larger audience.

I tried to do other things with this little corner of the intarwubz as well. Some were interesting, some were stupid, a handfull were fucking moronic, and some that were just a good goddamned time. Kinky Mad Libs, some of the stories that eventually ended up as part of "Hold My Beer & Watch This", an open forum for discussing taboo kinks, or even a few Ask Me Anything's.

All of which I did while still being absurd and amusing to all but a few idiots without a sense of humor. And those idiots just made it funnier for those of us WITH a sense of humor.

That's before I even mention my ever-present commentary on world events, local kink community bullshit, and even making the attempt to be the voice of fucking reason when some of you people lose your goddamned minds about shit and go off like crazy townspeople chasing down Frankenstein's Monster. And I still took the time to make fun of idiots, hypocrites, and the over-sensitive naval-gazing children that seem to be running rampant around here over the past few years.

And when I need to be the voice of reason on ANYTHING... well.... that should be a good indication that you all have gone off the fucking deep end. I mean, come on... I don't know the last time someone described me or anything I do as "in moderation".

I hadn't planned on doing this. I wanted to try to see if I could keep up the energy to work on the 2nd book and hit Day 1000 without a break (except for when I'm on vacation or out of town on business), but in the past week or 2, it's really been reaching that point where I just need a break.

I'm kinda tired of wracking my brain 5 days a week for the past nearly-3-years to find something to talk about. When I first started this up again, the ideas just came out every day. I could sit down and not even think at all and 1000 words came flowing right out of my fingers. Then 2000. Then 5000. Then an 80,000 word book. For the record, that's about standard novel length.

But since the new year, I've been struggling. I've been devoid of inspiration. Nothing strikes me. I don't want to just keep writing the stories only and hold nothing back to get you motherfuckers to actually buy the next book when it comes out, but at the same time, I feel like I've been only in the "book mode" for the past few months. The problem with that is that I spend so much time thinking about what I want to write for THIS thing each day that I just don't want to think anymore to start working on actually getting the stories back out of my head (and double-check some of my more fuzzy memories from them by asking friends that were there) and onto the screen.

So I've just  been feeling worn out by it. And I wanted to just take a break.

But I still couldn't. I kept going for another month or 2 and pushed thru it. I know that the quality has suffered since then. I've kinda hated just about everything that I've written this year, and judging by the lack of comments, you don't seem terribly moved by it either. Though the page hits on the blog site have been increasing every month for the past 6 and have nearly tripled since March of 2012, so you're all either getting the link from Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, or actually looking at the blog site for the full versions cause you're tired of the text-only version on Fet. But comments have dwindled to almost nothing.

And well, comments and loves are what puts the Fet version into your activity feed. It also puts it into the Friend Feed of everyone on you friends list, which then they eventually click on after seeing something different of mine getting commented on or loved by you every day, which slowly expands readership. This is kinda the basics of grassroots marketing.

Hell, 95% of the positive comments I've gotten on the book have been either in the form of private messages or in-person. And while I love those, hey guys... maybe tell OTHER people about it. I don't mean to be a dick here (or maybe I do)... but I KNOW the book was good. I wrote it. Even if I hated it after reading it through like 7 times during the writing/half-assed-self-editing-because-none-of-my-volunteer-editors-actually-edited-it-or-even-read-it process. The thing is... other people might NOT know it's good. So um... tell them? Not me?

(Oh god, kill me... I just resorted to a combination "you're doing it wrong" and self-promoting-asshattery and a request for grassroots advertising help in the same 2 paragraphs. I kinda wanna kill myself now. Sorry.)

Throw in that Fet has been a fucking ghost town for months now and I'm starting to see the tumbleweeds rolling from everyone other than the 50 Shades newbs and the asshats that feel compelled to constantly pimp their groups or events (for the record, I don't even ANNOUNCE anything. I create an event and walk away and still get 40-50 people to show up for something. Call me when you can pull that off while still being an outright dick to most people at the exact same time) or the people that do nothing but argue the administraive and protocol bullshit of different groups or Fet's Terms Of Use.

To be perfectly blunt, opening up Safari to just see that shit every time I look is just taxing. And draining. To the point that I'm not even sure if I care about cross-posting to Fet anymore. Mostly because I don't want to look at the pointless boring shit that is being posted there at this point. I just don't care.

So with all that said, I need a break. I am putting this column on indefinite hiatus. I know that I'm going to get bored soon and my brain will again start filling up with things to say and I just feel completely compelled to bring this thing back from the dead once again, but in the meantime, I need a break.

I guess 400 days is where my gas meter hits zero after all and it's time for a fill-up.

I'll still be here and I'll still be tweeting and occasionally status-updating and shit, but I'm taking a break from this one thing in particular. When the fun morning thing that you do while waking your brain up to do real work start turning into draining work before actually doing real work, it's just not worth the effort. In the meantime, I'm going to tak the time to recommit to working on the 2nd book (seriously guys, I even gave you a contest to name the next book and got exactly 1 response that wasn't even an offer for a book title. That should probably explain why I'm tired of writing this thing right now) maybe do some other minor tweaks to Hold My Beer & Watch This, and possibly work on expanding the web presence to launch an actual website with some of the better stuff there, but that still links back here for the RTOTD.

So yeah, when this comes back again, I can guarantee that I'll have changed it yet again. Because it will never remain static. Every attempt I've made it focusing this onto 1 or 2 more focused themes has been pointless. Because I'm not that focused of a person. I am random. And strange. And I do wildly unexpected shit because that's what comes natural to me. I mean... seriously. This is me we're talking about here? Or that I'm talking about.

So I'll catch you later, kids. Try to entertain yourselves without me?

Surprise - RTOTD #799.1

Day 799.1

So we have a surprise for you all that are attending the party on Saturday...

Well... 2 surprises:

Firs surprise... It's not really a surprise if you read the updated event info. It's a masquerade party. Costumes are optional.... Masks are mandatory.

Second surprise is the good one though.

We're giving you a little something different since it's Easter season fast approaching & this is the only time we'll have the chance to do something like this.

We're giving you a kinky Easter Egg Hunt!

We'll explain the rules when you get here. So try to show up at the beginning of the party or all of the eggs might already be found. Plus, I don't feel like explaining everything twice. I'm a dick like that. Some of the eggs will have candy. Some will have punishments. Some will have small presents or rewards.

See you Saturday.