OUTRAGE! - RTOTD #851

Day 851

I just drank a Cherikee Red. Probably for the first time since about 1987, and for all I know, it's been in the machine that long.

Looking at the can though, it got me to thinking. We have become a country that finds racism/sexism/sizeism/ageism/ism-ism or fucking whatever, everywhere. I mean, the Washington Redskins football team has been under assault on and off for a number of years now to change their names.

But when it comes down to cherry pop... fuck it. The biggest bitch you'll hear pitched about that is that I just called it pop instead of soda.

"It's cherry SODA, not pop!"

"Fuck yinz, I'm from Pittsburgh. It's pop, ya jaggoff! Go down to Warshington and yell about da Redskins. I gotta go to Pants n'at! They're having a sale and Donny Iris is gonna be there!"

It just leads me to realize that we've really got some weird ways of applying our outrage. We throw fits about a football team but not pretty obviously racist Kia Soul commercials. Black people are not fat hamsters.

So I'm asking you... try to be a little more consistant with your outrage about shit. Cause some shit is pretty obviously offensive. And some isn't. So let's just keep our outrage in check.

Or get outraged at everything. That's always fun too.

A Brand New Year - RTOTD #850

Day 850

A brand new hockey season has begun.

LET'S GO PENS!

 

And the Flyers are already falling apart. This is a good omen for the year.

Fuck Fridays - RTOTD #849

Day 849

So here's the thing. I keep getting asked by all of you to change the Halloween party to Friday just because you all don't want to make a decision.

So here's the thing. Friday isn't going to happen. Period. If you want to know why I won't do Friday, then I'll write you a whole big rant on it, but I think that whole thing will distract from the point of this writing. But there's 1 thing that I would consider. I'll consider moving the party to the 19th (the Saturday before) but on 1 condition: You can give me a damn good reason.

Because at the moment, I'm drawing a blank on why I should give up having ANYTHING to do on the 1 day that everyone celebrates Halloween just so that you don't have to decide which party to go to. So give me a damn good reason why I should give up throwing a party just so that the actual celebration day, all of my friends can go elsewhere.

And the first person to tell me "come to the Bridge party" gets punched in the cocksucker. Because fuck that noise.

And the first person that bitches about wanting to go to the AIS party if I do change it gets kicked in the twat.

Zom-baby! - RTOTD #848.1

Day 848.1

So here's a fucked up question about the nature of zombies.

Say that you were in a Walking Dead-like world where anyone that died, regardless of the cause, comes back as a zombie. Now assume you have a pregnant woman. And it's late in the pregnancy and there is a miscarriage.

Does the baby become a zombie? And if it does, will it try to eat its way out? How has nobody ever done this in a zombie movie yet? I know Dawn Of The Dead kinda did it with the pregnant chick that gets zombified and then her baby is a zombie at birth, but if the mom is still alive and just has a dead baby in them, is that dead baby going to zombify the mom and infect her or fucking what?

I'm doing everything in my power to NOT think too hard about this and turn it into a mental image but it's been bugging me for a while.

THE WORLD IS BURNING! - RTOTD #848

Day 848

It's Day 2 of Government Shutdown 2013 and as expected, the WHOLE WORLD IS BURNING AND

Oh wait... no... sorry. That was a mistake. That was my review of "news that didn't actually happen". My mistake. Sorry. What actually happened was... um...  absolutely nothing. Well, except for this:

A bunch of WWII vets just said "fuck this shit" and knocked over the barricades to go to the WWII memorial yesterday. These guys didn't take shit from the Nazis, and they won't take shit from a government that says that because they're closed, you can't look at a wall with some names on it outside.

Because those guys are still badasses even at like 104 or whatever the average age of a WWII vet is now. Then again, all they did was just move some removable plastic fence or whatever. So I don't know if that really counts as badass. But still... giving the big F-U to the rules. So at the very least, it's kinda punk rock by old-people standards.

I mean, these guys punched Hitler in the face!! What the fuck do you think a little fence is gonna do?

Yo, Fuck'em - RTOTD #847

Day 847

The government is shutting down today. Guess what that means?

FUCK... FUCK... FUCK THE NSA! FUCK... FUCK... FUCK THE NSA!

(Is it weird that I replaced Police with NSA in my head and started humming some NWA?)

It's the wild-wild west on the Internet! So go out and google "bomb" and "backpack" and "shooting", you probably won't be getting a knock on the door from the FBI. Probably. Maybe. I think.

And they won't really be reading your e-mail. So when you talk about those dirty dirty little things with that random online play partner, you can talk especially dirty and not worry about if that fantasy about doing that nasty, borderline (or completely) illegal thing with that other person is being read by some guy in an office in Utah. As much. Maybe.

But if your e-mail friend that you were talking to disappears, maybe they were an undercover cop & you should think about destroying your hard drive. Quickly. And then vanishing. To a non-extradition country. Or buying your way into a Mexican drug cartel.

So feel free to internet bully, google those flag words, go back to that website that had the video of the chick with the horse, or get really filthy in your fantasies. You know you wanna. Because the police-man is still at home in bed. It's a free-for-all on the intertron right now! While the NSA is busy looking at their neighbors thru binoculars from their bedroom because they need to get their daily dose of voyeurism and they don't have work to go to to get it now!

Because...

Good In Theory, Not in Reality - RTOTD #846

Day 846

"Your kink isn't my kink but that's ok"

Whatever

It's a common phrase in the alt-sex community. In fact, it's one of the first ones we hear when we get involved. And it's a legitimate statement in theory, but not so much in practice. You might think that I'm talking about the triggers that we all have and sometimes react poorly to when we hear a kink that hits one of them. I'm not.

I just read through a writing that was quite well written and made a number of valid points about this and was on the topic of kink shaming and everything. Great. I dig it. The problem is that in reality, kink shaming happens and it's going to keep happening. Because that statement is too short and doesn't take into account a lot of shit.

Here's how that statement should read:

"Your kink isn't my kink but if you don't shut the fuck up about, I'm going to tell you exactly how weird and stupid it really is"

Because often times, you run into people who just can't shut the fuck up about whatever their kink is. Not always. A lot of people are pretty good about it. But a lot of people aren't. They like talking about it. It's often a problem in the newbies or the people who are only involved with kinky people to find a partner to help them fulfill that fantasy. It's obviously less common in people that have been around for years and develop solid friendships. They tend to be far more well-rounded people, but there are still a number of those that get so excited by their kink that they just can't stop talking about it. I don't know if they're trying to subconsciously talk you into doing it with them even if it's not your thing or what, but for whatever reason, they just always get drawn back into talking about it even after they've already told that you're not into it. And I won't speak for everyone else, but I only have a limited amount of patience for shit that I don't care about.

You like to wear diapers and play an infant? Great. Now shut the fuck up and go away or talk to me about hockey or beer like a normal person because I don't care and if you keep talking about it, I'm going to tell you exactly how weird of a kink that is.

You get off on fighting the patriarchy and screaming about the rape culture of capitalism and eating meat? Great. Please do it over there outside of my earshot or I'll learn you exactly how far down the slippery slope of mediocre logic and poor assumptions 3rd wave feminism fell. And as loud as you scream, I don't care. I have a bullhorn. I'll be louder or just turn on the siren.

You like to spend hours on end practicing the 637 knots you have in your repertoire and quizzing yourself on exactly which situation this particular knot should be applied? Great. What's your favorite beer? Because if you keep talking about fucking knots, I'm going to self-teach myself the best way to make the biggest god damned knot I can and stuff it in your talking hole.

Oh? You're a testicular saline infusion fetishist? Doesn't that make it hard to walk? Ok, can you just not whip them out in front of me? It makes my balls hurt to even think about it. Ok, that's all I really wanted to know. Dude, seriously, if you don't stop talking about it, I'm going to see if there's a greater potential for an explosive reaction when saline infused testicles are hit with the steel toe of my boot, ok?

You like smokin hot bimbos that skirt the edges of legality with their clothing choices on the street? And you like to tie them up and smack them around while they giggle and love it before picking a hole for use that time around?  Ok cool. Me too. Let's have a chat.

That's how it works in the real world. It's sad but true. The people that have their kinks have their kinks and more power to them. Whatever gets you off and doesn't hurt anyone that doesn't want to be hurt and is legally of age to consent to it? Be my guest. Enjoy. I hope you have the best orgasm ever from engaging in your Marxist feminist dialectic, all 941 knots you put into that suspension or your goo-goo-ga-ga-poopy-diaper thing. Whatever your thing is; ROCK THE FUCK ON!

But shut the fuck up when I make it clear that I don't care about it. When I make it clear that I'm not into that and you keep talking about it, instead of finding something that we both can chat about, I'm eventually going to run out of patience. And eventually, if you don't pick up on my not-so-subtle clues about the zero fucks I give about anything you're saying, I'm eventually not going to be even less subtle.

It's an issue of consideration. Being considerate to one another. That's the point of the original quote.

"Your kink isn't my kink but that's OK" is all about just being as considerate as you can to people. However, in what is a disappointingly large number of interactions with people, when their "not my kink" is the one thing that they won't stop talking about, they are no longer showing that same consideration back and lose the right to be treated with common consideration themselves.

And that is when "Your kink isn't my kink but that's ok" becomes "your kink isn't my kink but if you don't shut the fuck up about it, I'm going to tell you exactly how weird and stupid it is".

Except with Furries. Fuck Furries. I'm never going to stop pointing out how weird mascot fucking is. I will kink-shame that shit until I die.

DIBS!!!! - RTOTD #845

Day 845

There was a big earthquake in Pakistan and a new island was created. As the first person on the internet to lay claim to it, I have decided that that is where the Epsilon Phi Kinky Commune will be founded.

So pack your bags, boys and girls. We're going to go over and start a kinky empire on an island on the other side of the planet. But first, we shall have war to defend our internet-claimed lands from any transgressors. So bring your weapons of war and your violent tendencies so that we may settle our new-found homeland!

The Island Nation Of Joe-istan!

I need a new flag. Maybe this one?

Nations will tremble at our feet and beg tribute!

Top 4 (Or Is It Bottom?) - RTOTD #844

Day 844

I just saw a map of the US with a list of the things that your state is worst at and a lot of things popped out at me. So, I'm just going make a couple observations here.

1. Pennsylvania: Arson. This is what we're best at. Or worst at? How do you describe the bad thing that your state does very well? Is that being best because they do it well, or worst because it's an undesirable activity? Oh fuck it. Pennsylvanians are really fucking talented at Arson because... well... is that really a thing here? This one did kinda strike me. I don't even see a lot of fires on the news. There's one every few days and only once or twice a month do I notice they mention it as arson or suspected arson. But so I guess we're good at burning shit down. So effectively, Pennsylvanians are a bunch of pyromaniacs. GREAT. Must be why fire play has been big around here for a while. It's a controlled way to let out our desire to burn all of the things. Or all of the people.

So yay for coping mechanisms, I guess?

2. Deleware: Abortion - I guess since it's right next to Philly, New Jersey and DC, and it's about as big as my back yard, it's probably gonna say "oh fuck it, just kill everything. We don't have the space for any more kids anway. And we probably don't have an economy to support them either."

Because when was the last time you looked at anything and noticed that it was made in Deleware. The only thing I can think of when it comes to Deleware is dirty beaches. It's like France without the Bic corporation. Nothing is built there and I immediately think "dirty" when I think about it.

3. Nevada: Crime - I'm shocked... SHOCKED, I tell you, that the state with Las Vegas and the mob has a problem with crime. There's nothing else to really say there except that Nevada has reached the expectations.

4. Washington (State): Bestiality - Wait a fucking second here.... Where in the blue jesus on a pogo stick did this one come from? This is actually such a massive problem in Washington that it beats out heroin and the rest of the disaffected youth and homeless teenagers (or is that Portland? I thought it was Seatle) in that state? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell animals do you even have to fuck there? Bears? I think of the pacific northwest and I think fucking bears. Are people routinely fucking bears there? Is that a thing? Out of every single problem that a state where it rains 99 days our of 100, the biggest problem is bestiality and NOT suicide or drugs or fucking ANYTHING that doesn't involve doing the nasty with animals.

Denizens of Washington State need to remember that "making the beast with 2 backs" does not need to actually involve a beast. Holy jesus... I really don't have any other words. Well, I probably have a million more words but holy fucking hell man... STOP DOING THE DIRTY WITH FIDO OR YOGI BEAR!

I think that's all the states that I feel like getting into today. I just... Washington State... jesus. I give up. That's sad. You're all cut off from having pets until this stops.

Oh, Fuck These Assholes! - RTOTD #843

Day 843

I've discovered something. Today, the 3rd Friday of September, is a thing called PARK(ing) Day and this makes me want to start strolling downtown with a baseball bat in hand in case I run into one of these idiots celebrating it.

For those of you like me that have better and more interesting things to know (like when National Cleavage Day is) than what the fuck PARK(ing) Day is, here's the brief synopsis:

A bunch of fucktards go and buy some astroturf and benches and potted plants and shit from the hardware store and then go find a parking meter. They then throw some coin into the meter and buy the spot for whatever the limit is on it. So if it's 2 hours, they buy all 2 hours. If it's a 4-hour meter, then they do 4 hours. Well, once they've "acquired" the spot, they effectively squat on it. They lay down the astroturf and turn it into a little tiny mini faux-park. Until the meter runs out. And then they pack it up and find another one.

That's it. They take a day off of work (they're hipster douchenozzles and probably have the day off of their haughty $7/hour barista gig anyway because their beloved Obamacare caused their employer to cut their ours down to under 30 so they don't have to insure them becuase.. oh fuck it. You're a fucking barista and your job just isn't worth the cost of insurance. You could be replaced by the machine at Sheetz for 1/3 of your annual salary tomorrow and it would do just as good of a job) and hang out in a parking spot and read a book or something.

Yes. It's an actual thing. I just found this out and immediately became enraged.

Hey hippies, thanks for taking up one of the only reasonably priced methods of city parking during the day when you need to make a quick stop somewhere in a downtown area. You're as bad as that guy that loves to park dead balls between 2 other parked cars but is equidistant from both of them and there's not enough space on either end to fit even a Volkswagen.

Assholes. I hope you get run over. Don't you already piss us off enough by riding a bike in the middle of the street and demand to be treated like a car, while driving 15 mph under the speed limit and ignoring EVERY SINGLE TRAFFIC RULE? When's the last time you saw one of those jackasses stop at a stop sign like everyone else has to? I want to start opening my god damned passenger door on you assholes just to prove a point.

Oops, sorry. Didn't see you there. Is your neck ok? You kinda went over your handlebars. I couldn't see you cause you even ride your fucking bike in my blind spot because you're a moron. I guess you won't be riding that thing again, Christopher Reeves. Maybe you'll learn how to better operate your electric blow-tube operated wheelchair with more care to your surroundings and not feel like because you're on a bike, you're the center of the universe and the person with the most right-of-way. Oh, and I hope you don't think you can ride that Hoveround in the middle of the street like your bicycle. It might end up not working out for you very well.

But so yeah... Today is PARK(ing) Day. But I'm guessing it's not as big this year because these same pretentious assbags are too busy sitting out all night to get their ostentatious GOLD iPhone 5S today. I'm going to go buy my simple black one today, but I'm not going to sit in a fucking line and if they don't have any in stock, I'll check back next week or something.

Maybe if I see one of these knobgobblers sitting outside on an astroturf covered parking spot, I'll have to make sure I leave my car parked right next to them, in neutral, with the gas pedal floored for a few hours just for fucking fun. While I sit on the curb and keep flicking cigarettes at them.

Though I have to say, if they did like... a pool in the middle of the parking spot. One of those $99 Walmart inflatable pools? I'd have to say that was probably pretty tits. And you'd totally get props for that. But just because you're not satisfied with the bench 15 feet away on the sidewalk or don't feel like going to an actual park, then fuck you. I hate you and I hope you all get a large truck with a borderline legally blind driver that thinks it's an open parking spot and runs you all over while parallel parking.

You people suck almost as bad as Freegans or militant feminists. Or when you accidentally pass out while lounging on your "green space", I hope someone shaves 1/2 of your "ironic" mustache and superglues your buddy holly glasses to your shoes.