Random Thought Of The Day #470

Day 470

Holy shit man. I need some fucking rope practice.

I'm so out of practice right now that I couldn't make a rope ring thru a hole I drilled thru one of the floor beams in my basement last week. I'm not joking. I stood there and fucked around with this stupid rope for like 20 minutes and felt so retarded that I just finally gave up and put the climbing straps back up.

I wasn't planning to use the rope ring for anything. I just got the urge to play with rope and, as I'm presently not really seeking a play partner or even a practice rope bunny, I'm just screwing around on my own. And I realized how badly my, admittedly mediocre, rope skills had deteriorated in just a few months.

I know... it's like riding a bike. Gimme a day or so of fucking around with rope again and I'll be back to before and probably have figured out a couple other things at the same time. In fact, I think I just figured out what I did wrong with the rope ring while I was sitting here writing this, but still... I couldn't believe how quickly I went from "hey, I can suspend you without killing you or entirely cutting off circulation to your left arm" to... "you might want to have a trampoline under you while I'm working... and make sure my knife is sharp enough to slice thru the rope in 1 stroke before I even look at the rope".

It's kinda sad.

Oh damn... I just found this and I totally want this in my yard!!! Fuck a pool, I want this shit!

Tell me that's not fucking awesome. Inground trampoline? That would be like 27 kinds of awesome. Plus... I'd laugh my balls off the first time someone jumps on it while one of the dogs was standing on it and they went flying up in the air.

I googled trampoline to find an amusing trampoline picture for the last bad joke & came up with this. Come on... tell me who would NOT want one of these? And I bet you don't even need to have one of those stupid cage/net - thing around the trampoline if it's inground.

Those stupid trampoline cage/net things are stupid. What fun is that? If you can't fall and somehow go from standing straight up to landing on the top of your head from only a 3 foot fall, what fun is anything? Fuck that... live dangerously... jump on a trampoline without a cage.

And ride a bike without a helmet. Fuck helmets. Helmets are for football & hockey players and that one kid you went to school with that sometimes would throw a fit and beat their head against the water fountain. The people that actually need it.

If you need a helmet for a recreational activity though? Don't. Just, don't.

Then again, I know why most of the bicycle peole wear them... because they're idiots. They demand that us normal people in cars share the road, yet they never stop at fucking stop signs, rarely signal, change lanes and cross streets without any thought to traffic & generally do everything in their power to make me hit them with my motherfucking car! And then they throw a temper tantrum if, while on a road with a 30 mph speed limit and they're riding in the middle of the god damn lane, I honk at them for riding their stupid bicycle at 9 miles per hour.

Fuck you, bicycle idiots. I'm gonna start hitting you assholes. Give me the finger when you're in a bodycast, jerkass.

But I guess you need a helmet to protect that brain that you don't use while operating your stupid rolling human hamster wheel.

Assholes.

Random Thought Of The Day #469

Day 469

Four 69. That sounds like a lot of work. Can I just settle for maybe like 2 blowjobs instead? I don't feel like doing any of the work today.

Oh dear... that was retardedly lame. I think my fingers just groaned while typing it.

Fuck it.

Did you all gorge yourself on meat this weekend? You should have. It's the last grilling/drinking/sitting-outside-and-bullshitting-on-the-patio holiday of the year. @Artemis_Fallen made up a bunch of inside-out burgers filled with bacony-cheesy goodness and I grilled... well... everything that can go on a grill that we had to eat. Mmmm... meat. And garlic/onion veggie/chip/pretzel dip and @Sybele 's crack-laced cookies & hotdogs & @DoNotGoGently 's brownies & Lemon Bars and... Other Joe's ... ketchup? Hey, he brought ketchup. It was short notice. Whatever.

I realized though, this weekend... I really miss cooking regularly. I cook. I'm not too bad at it. I don't think I've ever poisoned anyone. And if I did? Well, I probably made sure I did it right and did it bad enough that they're dead.

I cooked like 3 times this weekend. And for my fat-ass, that's pretty good.

I miss cooking reguarly. But then again, when half of my eating is done while playing beer pong & realizing "fuck, I'm hungry. We need some pizza", it's not terribly congruent to cooking.

But as @Sybele mentioned in her Blog Post , we've found that when she's talking about cooking or baking, she's kind of money at Pong.

We play too much beer pong. But it's fun. You people should join us more often for it. It's a good time. We drink and then... um... drink more... and eat pizza... and while we're doing all that? We also drink.

Speaking of beer pong... I'm really really REALLY lucky that I didn't have a girl on my team on Friday night for the one game. it was the worst showing of my life. I got shut out. And had I a girl on my team, the "Naked Lap" rule really would have enforced.

It was embarassing.

Speaking of embarassing though...

Random Thought Of The Day #468

Day 468

Hmmm... here's the list of things that is going thru my head this morning... none of which will make any for of a decent RTOTD by themselves... and I can't really find any way to link them into the usual rambling incoherent trash I put here... so...  um... here we go:

1. I just read thru some thread about if people are being polite or not. No, they're not. I'm pretty sure I had something to do with starting that trend. You can thank me. I like being a rude, impolite, brutish or otherwise generally an asshole. It's fun. Especially with newbies. It's like hazing for me since I never felt compelled to do the Frat thing. (I'm pretty sure I've been accused of that by a couple lunatics before... sorry kids... I wasn't a frat boy. Paying for friends was never my thing.)

And for the record... the ElitistFucks are staying exclusive. Fuck that stupid "we accept everyone and want to be huge and a gateway for all the newbies and blah blah blah... I already got bored trying to remember what the principles of inclusiveness were" crap. And we're not going to be polite. Even to each other. Because we're better than you. And we know it.

2. Starz turned down a deal with Netflix worth 10 times what their current deal is. Because fucking TV and movie content providers still don't understand this magical world of the intarwubz. And they don't trust Netflix wizardry to get the content to your tv with their watermark in the corner or something. I guess they're afraid that Netflix in-house Dumbledore is gonna die or something.

3. Seriously... does anyone know who won the local and county elections from like 4 months ago yet? Cause I still can't find the results. I wanna know if the Kwik-E-Mart guy won or not.

4. We're all gonna die. Fucking Earthquakes & hurricanes and shit. Virginia & Alaska get hit with big earthquakes in a week span.  A fucking hurricane hits NYC. What the hell is going on? Fuck you, mother nature. The world isn't supposed to end for another like 16 months. Impatient bitch. Typical girl.

5. This weekend and most of next week is going to be dedicated to building shit for the playspaces in the basement & one of the spare bedrooms. I'm thinking a couple spanking benches, maybe a St. Andrews Cross and something else. What do you think? Any equipment you'd want to play on when you're at our place? Maybe a suspension frame for the one extra bedroom?

Suggestions, children. I want your suggestions.

Ohhh... I need a stripper pole. Badly.

6. Welcome to FetLife to the Other Joe. Yeah, I know... he's not quite on my level of awesomeness, but hey... you can't expect 2 times the perfection. And I'm pretty sure that if there were ever 2 of me, it would cause some kind of paradox and the whole universe would be sucked into a fucking vortex or some shit.

7. Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, children. Eat a lot of meat that's been burned on a grill and then maybe blow some shit up. Who cares if it's not the 4th of July. It's a drinking holiday. That means you can blow shit up.

See, there's only 2 different kinds of holidays. Drinking holidays and Hallmark holidays. Sometimes they overlap, but you do 1 or the other on every real holiday (not the made up shit like Secretaries Day or Take Your Daughter To Work Day). You drink or you send out cards. Well, in my case, you drink on all of them and you never send out card to anyone... but you get the point.

So enjoy it... Drink... eat meat... and blow shit up. It's the American way.

See you fuckers next week. Don't die. Well, at least tell me if you did. And if it was fun.

Random Thought Of The Day #467

Day 467

If you don't remember when they didn't put rearview mirrors on the passenger sides of vehicles.. is your mom single?

If you don't remember USA's Cartoon Express... is your mom single?

If you don't remember getting up to turn the dial to change the channel on the tv... is your mom single?

If you don't remember having to write down your friends phone numbers as a kid... is your mom single?

If you don't know what DOS prompt was... is your mom single?

If you don't know what riding a bike is like without a helmet... is your mom single?

If you don't remember Mike Myers on SNL... is your mom single?

If you don't remember driving when gas was under $1...

Is she?

Random Thought Of The Day #466

Day 466

I don't know if I mentioned this here, but I know I did on twitter.

I was disappointed in myself at the party this weekend. I realized, at one point, that I was actually quite bummed out when one person in particular sent me a txt to say that she wasn't gonna be able to make it.

Now, granted... it was a REALLY phenomenally bad idea to invite her in the first place, so I guess it was for the best that she didn't come. But still... I didn't realize how bummed I was gonna be that she wasn't able to make it.

It's weird though. You'd think that after more than a year of not seeing each other, it wouldn't bother me as much? *shrug*

Maybe that's why I consider her my Kryptonite.

Ok... and that's my naval gazing mopey crap for the next decade.

I hope you all die.

Random Thought Of The Day #465

Day 465

We need to come up with Kinky Rules Beer Pong.

There's already "House Rules" depending on where you're playing. Double Cupping, bouncing, islands, back-to-back, re-racks, slamdunk, behind-the-back, redemption, "guys finger, girls blow". They're all things that different houses have different rules on. Though in our house, girls also finger. We haven't yet had an instance when guys wanted to blow, but I'm pretty sure we can accomodate that as well. We're equal-opportunity like that.

As @TwistedView mentioned yesterday, we need some kinky-rules beer pong.

Here's what I'm thinking.

The Suspension Shot. We have 2 designated "Suspendees" for the evening. Either end of the table. And instead of the "behind the back" (which is really funny when someone sinks it into their own cup after they threw it into their own shoulder or arm) the suspendees get to throw. And if they sink it, it's also 2 cups. The suspendees can be changed up as they want to come down and someone can replace them if they want to fly instead.

The Blindfold Shot. One player from each team can elect to throw blindfolded at any point in the game. Each cup that they sink is also worth 2 cups. It's a risky play, but can really help if you're way down or drunk already and can't see straight. Plus... watching someone throw it about 20 feet away from the table would be kind of amusing. But I laugh at others misfortune. So maybe it's only funny for me.

Strip Pong. Every game that you lose, you lose another article of clothing. This could end up with a lot of half-naked drunken assholes. Which is greatly amusing.

So what do you think? Come up with a good kinky beer pong house rule for my house.

Random Thought Of The Day #464 - Late Day Edition

Day 464

Wow.. I was gonna write something here this morning. And then work happened. So about 7 1/2 hours later, I'm back to writing.

Thanks everyone who came out this past Saturday to the party. It was a good time. It was an invitation only party, so if you weren't invited... we hate you.

Ok... maybe we don't hate you... maybe I hate you and my roommates are indifferent to you. Or I am indifferent to you, like I am to 98.7% of the worlds population. This is a legitimate statistic. I counted. The other 1.3% is made up equally of people that I like and people that I hope would have an anvil dropped on their heads from a zeppelin ala Wile E. Coyote meets... well... a zeppelin... if someone still made them. Does anyone still make zeppelins??

Where was I going there? Fuck it.

Yeah, so thanks to the 20-some people that made it out. It was a good party even though like 10 of the people that said they were coming bitched out. Whores. You're dead to me. Or... maybe I'll just see if you show up next time. Whatever.

And thanks to Sybele for coming up with the idea. A 50's "Mad Men"/Housewives & Misogynists/ Greasers & Poodle-skirts thing was definitely fun. I'm pretty certain that almost all the guys actually did wear suspenders with their pants too. It was kinda awesome.

And thanks to BrighidsCross for fulfilling my "only wearing heels and an apron" fantasy. That was hot. Seriously. All damn night... I don't think she even had other clothes... she wore a coat in to cover up and underneath... heels & an apron. It was yummy.

Yes, I just said yummy. Eat me.

He's totaly going to be an Eat N Park
Smiley Cookie

We're gonna do another party in the not-too-distant future. Probably a Halloween party. But we're definitely going to be doing a Superhero theme party too. They're' going to be different parties. So save your superhero costume for the Superhero party and don't blow your wad on the Halloween party. Do something creative, fuckers. Like a gigantic Cock.

What is Bailey going to dress as?

I can bet Artemis_Fallen is going to go as Wonder Woman. It's too perfect of a choice.

Random Thought Of The Day #463

Day 463

I think we all learned a valuable lesson yesterday evening...

Trying to sound really smart when you write something is just about the most certain way to end up looking like an idiot. For at least 3 reasons:

First, there's a fine line between "eloquent" and "wordy". Far, far, far too often, people cross that line.

Don't... Just. Don't.

When you feel compelled to add that 37th preposition into your diatribe about how "oh-so-Domly" you are, or the "depths of your submission", just maybe hold back a little. Not everyone is a poet. Not everyone is fucking Wordsworth. Sorry. You're not. I KNOW I'm not.

Unless what you're writing is obviously meant to be in jest, just maybe try speaking a little more... down to Earth. It helps keep whatever you have to say from crossing into that far-too-easily-reached groan-inducing territory.

Secondly, you're going almost inevitably end up with redundency or oxymorons. That's kind of the "tell" that you're really not that good. So instead of appearing deep, you just end up appearing pretentious. Well, maybe "appearing" isn't the right word. More like... proving your pretentiousness.

Third, using a lot of big words doesn't prove eloquence, it proves a big vocabulary that you don't necessarily know how to use properly. Or it proves access to a thesaurus or google. You can use a shitload of big words and not say a fucking thing.



Wordiest Tramp Stamp EVER!

 There's a paradox to vocabulary in that way. I'm pretty sure we have a President that's really good at that right now. The previous idiot to hold that office sounded like a retarded chimp when he opened his mouth, but you pretty much knew what he was talking about. This idiot sounds like a dictionary but you feel like you've just been fucked in the temporal lobe by a 14 inch dildo when he stops talking and are then compelled to scream at the television "what the fuck are you talking about?". That's the difference.

I blame "Words With Friends".

But we all learned another lesson... I have a tendency of  being that guy that will just say what everyone else is thinking about but is too polite to say until someone else says it first. One of these days, I might actually care if I piss someone off. But I do kinda pick easy targets. I might wanna consider developing a brain-mouth filter at some point. But I doubt it.



He's cuter than you. A lot cuter.



Though I think that the reaction most people seem to have to what I have to say proves that I should totally run for political office. Instead of trying to come up with a platform or something, I'd just point at the other guy/girl/thing/animal/plant and go "what the fuck is that? Are you looking at that? LOOK!" to all the crazy shit that they say and appeal to the common sense of the voting public. That would totally be my campaign strategy.

Have we really had anyone run for office that was an unapologetic asshole? I should totally be the President. I'll make my dog the VP. He's kinda awesome. And then when I inevitably get assassinated, he'd totally make for an awesome President. As long as he gets to take his toys when he goes outside to play on the White House lawn.

RTOTD #462.1

Day 462.1

Hey... this is kinda cool... I've managed to get this stupid blog thing onto the first page of google results when you search for Random Thought Of The Day. The bottom 2 results on the first page are this blog.

I want to get it up to being the top result though, fuckers.

So keep reading my rambling bullshit... or am I going to have to track down every single person that's ever read this and their families and friends and hold them all at knifepoint until they come here every day?

Don't test me... I might.

Random Thought Of The Day #462

Day 462

So, I met up with some awesome people for drinks last night post Rope Bite since I couldn't make it (fucking cleaning is a pain in my balls). And while there, it came to my attention that I must again evolve my persona.

First, I was the Doktor. Now, the ScienceJesus. We were thinking the next stage in my evolution should be JoeMyGod.

Come on... say it quickly. Out loud. I'll give you a few moments.

*muzak plays in the background*

Ok... tell me that wasn't kinda funny. You can thank DoNotGoGently for that one.

On a totally unrelated subject, Steve Jobs stepped down as Apple's CEO. My stock took a gigantic shit on my front sidewalk this morning. *Fuck you, Jobs.*

Now, let me preface this by saying that I LOVE apple products at this point.

But I have to ask... how the fuck did the company that used to make the Apple IIe that we all played Oregon Trail on in grade school end up becoming the couture brand of computer products?

And speaking of apple products...

I really wish I had a picture of this to post, but a good number of years ago... probably circa 1998 or so? A friend of mine and I decided to do something cool with an old-ass Mac. You remember those things, right? The kind with the huge 5" floppy drive on the front and the upgraded model with the 3+" one below that? They had the screen built into the tower. That screen was all of about 4" across. And totally square.

Well, we had 2 of these things (what we did with the 2nd one is a totally different story) and decided "I really want a fishbowl"... even though neither of us had fish... and decided "hey, I bet that thing would make a cool fishbowl!". So we did. I really wish I had a picture for that though.

After doing a google image search, I found some... so apparently we weren't all that original in our idea.

Now maybe turning an old console TV into a fishtank could be fun... hmmm... but I want it to be one of the kinds that have the record player on top too and the record player should totally still work.

And to play the misogynist card a little bit... if only girls actually worked like my iPhone does... is there an app for that? Cause that would be awesome.

And somehow I just managed to go from Steve Jobs to fish bowls to having a Dollhouse thought.

I am just that damn good. Maybe the JoeMyGod persona is the next step in evolution?