Final Week! - RTOTD #823

Day 823

This is the last week that Hold My Beer & Watch This will be free to download. So get it while it's ... you know... free.

Here are all the links again in THIS POST

So go and steal from me. Because we know that you're all a bunch of cheap bastards. And apparently $2.99 was too much to spend on it.

After Friday, the price goes back up in anticipation of the next book due out in... oh fuck. 4 months? I've still got like 1/2 of it to get written. I should maybe try doing some work on that again soon and stop just drowning myself in plasti dip & mindless jibber jabber about nothing on the intertron.

Blah. I'm getting in that "I'm losing interest" mode again and nothing is speaking to me. Nothing really has spoke to me in a week or 2 and I'm frustrated about that. Maybe I just need to stop trying to write a column every day and just focus on throwing out whatever nonsense is in my head again. Even if it is just a day where I ramble about music, comic books, sluts, booze or how much I really hate you all.

So fuck you. This is the best you're gonna get today.

And in honor of the new Doctor Who casting, here's who SHOULD have been cast as Doctor Who:

Because you know what the world really needs is a new Doctor that talks to himself even more and then breaks the 4th wall as a part of everyday life while knowing that he's a fictional character.

Although Warren Ellis probably would have been a good second option. Because I can only imagine how must of a clusterfuck that would have been.

Bon Voyage - RTOTD #822

Day 822

I really don't have anything that I feel like screaming about today or anything that's really on my mind. So I'm just going to send a shout-out to a soon-to-be-departed Epsilon Phi brother:

Comedy Police is leaving tomorrow or wednesday (or whenever that happens to be on Dave-time. I don't know. I don't pay attention to things that people are doing that don't have to do with me.) for California. Possibly for good. After a short stint in DC and an even shorter reunion back in the Steel City, he's departing for California for a far more promising opportunity.

So anyone of my readers in the Northern California area... not Bay Area (yeah, cause anyone in the Bay Area is going to read my stuff except for bulletin board material at their next "white men are the devil!" meetings) but closer to Nevada. If any of you feel compelled to welcome him, do so. He's a pretty good guy. Never even CLOSE to on time for anything, but still a great guy. We're gonna miss him around here.

He can be the substitute for not having me there. An annual trip out to LA is about all of the Left Coast that I can handle without going on a rampage. Though I will say that you can't beat the sheer quantity of hot whores out there per capita. Ahhh... plastic surgery. Ain't it great?

So someone offer him a welcoming cigar, beer, and blowjob. Really make him feel at home. Or at least temporarily forget that he's in a part of the country that I kinda wish would fall into the ocean.

Farewell, brother. We'll miss you.

Even if we should have started setting your clocks forward by an hour just to ensure you showed up even close to on-time for anything.

In the meantime, I'm going to come over to your house tonight and eat free meat or fish or whatever it is you guys are cooking and not waste another moment of fucking with you or watching you get far too competitive at beer pong.

Why Is Captain Power Standing On My Desk? - RTOTD #821

Day 821

I really wish that the 1980's would have saved some of it's boatload of comic-book-like fictional cartoon and tv show and action figure characters for the 90's. It would have helped prevent the "everything is a fucking anime!" thing that's been going on for the past 15-20 years.

I only thought about that because I came across an old toy that had as a kid back in the 80's. Captain Power. Does anyone even remember captain power? I only have a vague recollection of him but he's about eh same size as a GI Joe, so I think I let him be the awesome future soldier that would come back to prevent COBRA from taking over the world in the epic basement warfare scenarios that I would often orchestrate on a regular basis.

I'm pretty certain he was one of those "let's make up a character and then make a toy of that character and then make a tv show of that character so that we can use one to sell the other but not really certain which one sold which one" things that happened all the fucking time in the 80's. And to be honest, he got lost in the shuffle of the heyday of the Transformers and GI Joe and MASK and a dozen or 4 other tv/action figure-hybrid sales/rating model marketing campaigns of the same era.

And then the whole model died on the vine for a little while and was replaced by a comic book speculator bubble. Not because of lack of quality (though the quality did certainly suffer) but because of over saturation. Or maybe those reasons go hand-in-hand. Mattel and Hasbro and ToyBiz and all the other ones kept pumping new material out into the market but didn't really give any creative behind it. Honestly, it wasn't much different than 90's comics. It was "hey, this shit looks cool that I just drew/designed... let's make a new franchise" and instead of investing the time to actually build that franchise, they just kinda say "oh look, I drew another cool thing. Another franchise!" and on and on until there were 74923953 new fucking franchises without a single coherent story behind them.

And that's where it all fell on it's face. GI Joe and Transformers in the 80's were huge hits because someone actually told some stories with them before moving on to the next 83 franchises being launched that week. And once there was a significant number of stories out there for people to reference and kids to enjoy, the sales just kept going.

Although a business plan of "grow it every quarter to sell people another half dozen versions of Snake Eyes" is one I still don't understand. A kid still isn't dumb and can't play with all (legitimately) 66 different costume variant versions of Snake Eyes at the same time. He only plays with 1 because there's only 1 Snake Eyes. And 1 Duke. and 1 Road Block. No matter how cool that other version of him is, they still know inherently that they can only use 1 of them in that particular battle.

But I got off onto a tangent there. The point I was making was that the other 9234945921 franchises like Captain Power that were launched at the same time didn't really HAVE any story. They had a little bit, but at least with Captain Power, I was always confused at how it was supposed to work. As a kid and now.

See, the thing that happened was that you'd get this action figure and with the toy came a VHS tape. And some sort of gun thing. The action figure had a hole right thru his chest and you were supposed to do this thing where you'd play the VHS tape and stick the gun into the hole on the back of his chest so that it would shoot out thru the clear plastic window in the front. And then the VHS tape was supposed to be some sort of video game.

Except that even as a 7 year old kid I realized "something here doesn't make sense... it's a VHS tape. Even if you don't play the "game" and just press play on it, the same things show up on the screen. The same video game "blam" noises happen and nothing changes whether you play the game or not. Because it's a vhs tape and it's not fucking interactive. And it couldn't be. You can't do a choose-your-own-adventure VHS tape without fast forwarding to certain times or changing to another VHS tape but that's essentially what this was. Or what it was portraying itself as.

And see... when even a 7 year old can tell that you're insulting their intelligence, that's a bit of a problem. And your "franchise" is going to fail.

I guess I got off topic a little just because I got into a little rant. But what I'm saying was that there were like 9000 of these fucking things created in a few year span that all fell flat on their face because there wasn't enough thought put into it ahead of time. They totally could have tried holding onto a couple of those ideas for the 90's when they totally fucking lost any ounce of creativity. And just imported Anime cartoons and made a bunch of confusing card games.

Then again, now that I think about it... how the fuck did Duck Hunt work? It wasn't VHS, but still... that's going to bug me now.

A Helpful Lifehack - RTOTD #820

Day 820

I know we all have this happen: we're out somewhere and we run into someone we know that we should know but don't really remember. They remember us. We know that we've met them before but either they didn't leave enough of an impression to bother remembering their name or we were drunk or we're just a narcissist with an antisocial personality disorder and borderline sociopathy. But I guess you'll be dealing with the first 2 options. It's ok. Not everyone can be as awesome as me.

I have a trick for this if you can't remember their name. Assuming you're actually having a conversation. My most recent encounter with this was one of those situations where we said hello/nodded at each other but didn't actually engage in a conversation. In that case, just keep walking and forget their existence again until you've got no choice but to engage them. This is always my preferred method. Complete disregard.

But the best way I've found to deal with not remembering who someone is what I call the ID Game. Steer the conversation into how well or poor that you photograph. Then break out your ID to prove the point. They'll feel obligated to do the same and you really don't give a damn about what their photo looks like. You just want to remember their name.

And maybe their address so you can stalk them later or wait outside their front door with a knife. But that's also another "me" thing. You never know when it might be helpful to know where to attack. They might eventually cross you, or say something you disagree with on the internet. In which case, you already know where to go to punch them in the mouth and break their fingers so they can't type anymore. You don't even need to challenge them to a fight over an internet disagreement. It's the ultimate sucker punch.

So there you go. Instant way to avoid that awkward situation where you need to ask someone what their name is because you couldn't be bothered to waste the grey matter remembering it.

Unless you're like me and don't really give a damn what their name is and like to point that fact out that you don't remember them because they're not important enough to be remembered. Though I'm pretty sure that's how the premise for Iron Man 3 worked. And that led to fire-breathing people that regenerate. So I'm not sure how good that works out in the long run.

Ha. Joke's on them! Good thing for me that my overall lifestyle of excess, debauchery, and belligerence is leading me towards an early grave anyway. I won't be around to deal with the fire-breathing people that are the consequences of my disregard of social norms. Like Elvis. Except probably not while sitting on the crapper.

I'll probably be in the street walking towards another bar.

This Option Sucks - RTOTD #819

Day 819

I'm a little lost this morning on what to do about something. I'm in the process of trying a last-straw kind of Hail Mary play to see if I can stave off a really hard decision and I really have no idea if it'll work.

The thing is, I love dogs. I really do. Dogs naturally love me and I love them. I could give a fuck less about cats. Yeah, ok... cool. Your cat might be the coolest, most dog-like cat on the planet but it still isn't a dog. Even obnoxious dogs are great animals. Even the most yippy little shit dogs are better than any cat that's ever been born. And that's what makes this so hard.

As some of you may know, we've had Little Dog at the house for about 9 or 10 months now. And during that time, she's managed to escape the dog run about a half dozen times, getting so far as 3 streets over once, gotten involved in a private little Cold War with RoomMateBaby, get into regular fights (read: get her ass handed to her by) with Regs over whatever either of them was pissed at the other about at that moment and generally been a pain in the ass.

But she's a really sweet dog. And I like her a lot.

She's 12 years old and I think she's losing some of her eyesight. She's got tumors of some sort (we're not sure if they're cancerous or not) below and possibly underneath her ribs near her sternum. She barks all the time at anything she sees outside, be it a bird or a squirrel or whatever. Because she's a Jack Russell and that's what they do. She even barks at leaves that blow across the yard because I think her eyesight is going and she thinks that they're something she should be trying to chase and catch. She freaks out at thunderstorms and is a snarly, snappy bitch when it comes to trying to get her out from under RoomMateBaby's bed because apparently even though they hate each other, it seems like under her bed is the safe place that she wants to hide. It takes special tricks to figure out how to deal with her neurotic tendencies and it sometimes feels like dealing with the emotional minefield that is well... pretty much 99% of all women on the planet... when trying to figure out the best ways to deal with this dog.

Despite all that, she's a ridiculously sweet dog. When she is being dumb or barking about nothing and I order her over to my feet when she's not in complete freak-out mode from a thunderstorm, she walks over with the sad "I'm sorry" eyes and falls on her side and shows me her belly. She jumps up on the couch and tries to perch on my shoulder and knows how to sit pretty like nobodies business. She tries to give kisses even though it was trained out of her when she was a puppy. She's affectionate and like to snuggle or just follow me around almost under my feet.

The problem is that we hit the last straw yesterday. We had thought that we had figured out a good way to deal with her for a little bit. She's fine during the night (unless there's thunder) and just crawls under my bed and sleeps there most nights. But as soon as I get up in the morning, she wants to be up and alive as well. The thing is, I get up around dawn. And she wants to go outside. Or she wants to be in the living room. And she's pissed that there's nobody there or she sees something outside or whatever and she barks her fucking head off. ENDLESSLY. Like, if you or I yelled as much in 1 day as she barks in 15 minutes, we'd be hoarse for a week. And it wakes up the rest of the house that does NOT need to be awake at 5 or 6am for work and that pisses them off. Hell, if I didn't sleep like the dead, she'd piss me off too if I were in their shoes.

So the most effective option to this point had been to leave her outside for an hour or so in the mornings when I left for work, but after today, that's no longer an option. The roomies got a knock on the door this morning from a very polite police officer to inform us that someone had complained about the barking. And while he was nice this time, I sincerely doubt he will be so if he has to come back about it.

And this is a problem now. Because I really like this dog. I might be the only one in the house that does, but she's a sweet dog if you know how to navigate her personality quirks. And I'm running out of ways to navigate them and keep the peace. I'm down to one last option and that's to leave her in the basement when I leave. I don't know if the neighbors are going to complain about even letting her outside in the morning just to go to the bathroom while I'm in the shower if she barks and then letting her in once I'm done or if it's just because she was out there for about an hour this morning that it pissed them off. So I'm going to try to kennel her in the basement when I leave every day and see if that helps. It's dark down there, like my bedroom and I have a kennel cover to cover the crate so she won't be freaking out about the bars and it might just feel more like a den to her. But that's the last option as far as I can figure out.

Otherwise, that's about it. She has nowhere else to go. The girlfriend can't have her at her place because they don't allow dogs of any type. She can't go to the girlfriend's parents place because their dog and hers turned on one another a while back and try to go for the kill whenever they're even in the same house as each other. And she doesn't have any other family that could take care of her.

So this is the last option for her. I don't know if maybe the barking is because of her age or her tumors (and/or maybe cancer) or because her eyesight is going and she's just trying to compensate for it. I really don't know. But I know that we're running out of options and going to see what the Vet suggests on Thursday to see if they can give any other ones. Or if the only option left is really the worst possible one.

I can't stand it either. I mean... fuck you Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercials and ruining my day. I don't like when I feel like I'm going to start crying at a commercial. So this last resort is like 1000 times worse if it's the only one left. She's 12 now and has been the girlfriend's dog since she was a kid. How can I not feel like complete shit even telling the girlfriend that I don't know if we can keep the dog at my house anymore, knowing that that might be the only other option for her? I don't even know if I could let her go through with it when I don't think it's what's best for the dog yet. Or am I maybe holding on too long because I think it's cruel to put an animal down before they're no longer to even control their bowels or obviously in pain?

Because it's not like you can ask someone else that's not family or a super close friend "hey, can you let my basically-geriatric, tumor-ridden, potentially partially blind, neurotic during thunderstorms, constantly barking dog come live with you until she's so sick that it's cruel to not put her to sleep? She might have a few good months or a year or so left in her."

And it's not fair to the dog to keep passing her around just because it's no longer convenient for her to live somewhere. But what other options are there? I'm just at the end of my rope trying to figure it out. I feel like even bringing it up makes me a horrible human being. Because I think she knows what I might not be able to admit yet myself. That if she can't be at my place anymore, she doesn't have anywhere else to go and she doesn't have a long time left to live anyway with her health. And that only leaves 1 option. One that seriously makes me on the verge of tears even thinking about.

Yeah, fuck you. I have a heart when it comes to dogs.

FUCK. I don't know what to do. But any way I look at it, if trying to leave her in the basement hwile I'm at work or at least in the mornings doesn't work... I'm going to feel fucking horrible. I don't even want to make this about me but I feel like this is weighing on me as if it was my own dog and I'm doing that anyway. Because that's just how I am with dogs. The Little Dog, Regs, Bailey, and even my friends dogs. I never want to see or be responsible for a dog being put to sleep before its time. And I feel like this is one of those cases where it is not yet her time. Or I just don't want it to be her time yet and feel guilty about any responsibility that I might carry for that.

I can only imagine how she feels now. Much less how she'll feel if that is the only option left.

Addicted - RTOTD #818

Day 818

My name is Joe and I'm a Plasti-Dip-A-Holic.

I'm addicted to Plasti Dip. No, seriously. I think I'm legitimately addicted to finding new things to 'Dip.

It started with my car. I hated the chrome accents on it and wanted to get rid of them. But totally de-badging my car was out of the question. I could just remove the pieces that were glued on like the 2.5 and the bunny emblem. But the VW logos on the front and rear were something I couldn't really remove and just leave off. Well, at least without buying a new grille and doing a lot of body work and mechanical work on the trunk to shave them.

So I took them off and plasti dipped them. And that satisfied me for a little bit.

But then I wanted to do more. I started doing a spare set of wheels that I have in my garage. The clear coat was shot and there was oxidation on the aluminum. The center hubs were scuffed with road rash and the rubberized coating started peeling more when I stripped the clear coat off the lips. So rather than paint them or refinish them or spend a shitload of money on getting them powder coated... PLASTI DIP! And I'm almost done with them but I need more 'dip.

This shit's like fucking crack.

And to make matter worse, I started finding things in my house to 'dip. I took off the light switch covers in my bedroom because they were ugly and dirty. I just planned to clean them but then I realized that they had been wallpapered over and then white-washed over top of that. I hated the way they looked. So I started stripping them off. I cleaned them down to bare plastic but found that they were that ugly off-white, almost a really light tan colored plastic. So I cleaned them down to the bare plastic, cleaning out all of the crevices because they were textured, and thought "maybe I'll just plasti dip these too?" and so I did.

I've got some nicks in my paint and a couple scratches that I really hate to see... maybe I'll just dip my whole car?

And then I started looking at my patio furniture. All 4 chairs and the table need painted. I bought them used for dirt cheap and other than needing a new coat of paint (and the one arm needing fixed now on one of the chairs), they were in great shape. So I'm going to plasti dip all of that too.

I'm hooked now. I look at everything and just want to plasti dip it. Car parts. Painted furniture. Hell, I contemplated plasti dipping my walls becuase I'll never need to paint them again. And it peels right off when I want to change the color back.

So I'm thinking that maybe I'm going to put my plasti dip obsession to good use. And I'm going to try to maybe do some Plasti Dip play. It's stretchy when it dries. I think I'm going to see what it looks like sprayed on the girl. I think plasti dipped outfits for kinky parties sound like a fantastic idea. It's like the next evolution of a latex fetish.

Fuck pulling latex over and trying to fight with getting it to actually go on and then using baby powder and shit. Just plasti dip.

Riggers see hard points everywhere. I am now seeing potentially plasti dipped items everywhere. It might be becoming a problem. Because I really did just suggest plasti dipping my girlfriend only a few sentences ago. So maybe this is something that I need help with.

I'm an addict & I need help.

It's Not The Greyhound... But It Might As Well Be - RTOTD #817

Day 817

I took on a half day on a Friday recently just because I needed it. I only ended up with a day and a half in my office last week but the first half of the week justified the lazy ending to the week. Over 900 miles in the car for work bullshit & a big American Express bill, sunburn over an existing semi-decent tan & driving through a motherfucking tsunami on my way home outside of Cincinnati made me feel like I kinda needed to take a lazy day on Friday.

Well, the girl & I decided that since she got discount passes to Kennywood and I haven't been there in a few years (even if Foursquare says I checked in there in April 2012), we decided that that would be the best way to spend a steamy Friday afternoon.


There is NO WAY that I'm
going to google image
search "jailbait with tattoos".

I know I talked a while ago about how surreal it was when a group of us hit up Cedar Point last summer. The biggest reason being all the fucking jailbait that were ridiculously inked up.
Apparently that's not a think that's limited to the rollercoaster capital because I saw a fuck ton of it at Kennywood. And the thing was, it seemed to be predominantly girls. I was doing my standard "I'm in an amusement park and these people are almost mall-rat interesting to observe" type people-watching and I noticed that almost every third girl, but only about 20% of the guys, had very obvious "It's going to be hard to get a job" ink and probably 1/2 of each of those groups had some quite-heavily done "I'll never have a real job" ink done.

Now, maybe it was because the girls had already had already taken their requisite high school career aptitude tests and most of them scored really high in the stripper/porn-star/cam-whore/etc category and have already decided their career paths. And while I applaud them for foresight, determination, and their focus on doing their best to be prepared for the requirements of their chosen vocations, I think it might be presumptuous to go all-in on the permanent changes before they have even finished training for it. There might be a glut of strippers coming out of school and crowd out all but the best and most dedicated when it comes time to find a job. I mean, look at lawyers. They come out of law school anymore and the closest thing they get to a law office is when they're delivering late-night pizzas. So you can see that the other professions that get lumped into the "General Whoring" category seem to have a glut of qualified applicants. These girls might get done with whatever it is that trains you for stripping or cam whoring... oh wait, I think that's daddy issues and a self-worth entirely built on the approval of others... well whatever it is, they might get done with it and find that just like their lawyer brethren, there's just no jobs because of how many other qualified whores there are. And what are they left with? A great whoring resume and no whoring jobs. Guess it's off to find a job at the GAP or something.

And the fucking guys were just as bad. Granted, there were fewer of them for some reason, but "pretty backup dancer in a music video" or "rebel skateboarder kid in skinny jeans #2" or "X-Games competitor" or "guy that wants to be confused for the drummer for Blink 182" seems to also have far more applicants than vacant positions at this point as well. But I think that most of these guys might have also jumped the gun on trying to be as prepared as possible for work in the "General Whoring" industry. There's just not any jobs for you. And while it's an even quicker growing field for boys than it is girls, it's also a LOT smaller to begin with and won't even catch up to the positions open for girls anytime soon.

So maybe there's an alternative for both the boys and girls that seem like they might not get lucky enough to get jobs in the General Whoring industry anytime soon. You can join up with the 3rd group of people that I've seemed to have a tendency of running into the past few times I've been at an amusement park:

White Trash

Granted, it's been predominantly of the " 40-something men with straight-up mullets of the business-in-the-front-1987-party-in-the-back variety" but there just might be some vacancies for you. I've been going to amusement parks for years, and if I know anything at all, it's that amusement parks are TOTALLY 100% representative of the populace in general. So if I see too much of something when I'm at an amusement park, I can guarantee that there's too much of something in the world. And if I see too little of something, I can place someone else's money on a bet that there's not enough of that in the world. And what the world is missing right now is enough people that are trying to look like the guys in Dokken or Poison!

I have been watching for years and the number of White Trash has been dwindling. I only saw 7 Shawn Michaels circa 1990 haircuts. And using my scientific method, that would make the White Trash almost an endangered species. Or a profession that is woefully understaffed. I'm losing track of my metaphor here. Whatever.

But with all of your "I'll never have a job that doesn't change work-hours on a weekly basis" tattoos and even those of you that have opted for the more extreme "I've probably cost more tax revenue in my jail time than I ever actually produced from being employed" ink on your neck and face, well... you're all perfectly suited for the White Trash profession! There's plenty of available positions. Like all skilled (or unskilled? I have no idea..) trades, there's just too many people that don't think it's a "glamorous" enough job for them. They want something where things like "spitting chew spit in the garbage can" might be considered "inappropriate". HA! You'll show them, right? You couldn't even get a job in the field that you always aimed for when all the positions were filled in General Whoring, and you still managed to find something that you're totally great at in White Trash! So rub their nose in it!

And just remember... your education and preparation for a certain field of expertise only shows others that you have the ability and desire to learn. You showed how much you wanted to get into General Whoring but the White Trash industry took notice and you can show exactly how much your skills translate. And anything else, well... you're dedicated! You'll succeed. Even if it's a fall-back career.

And on an entirely related subject... YES... I'm still horribly perturbed by the amount of jailbait that are getting tattoos. While I'm all for inked up girls... just... NO! I liked when I could use "does she have ink" as a good barometer for if she was legal. Apparently you can't even do that now. Fucking christ.

Even More Promo Stuff - RTOTD #816.1

Day 816.1

And since I'm in the mood to pimp good quality products that friends make (which reminds me: I'm gonna hold you all to helping with promo stuff when the 2nd book come out!)... But since I'm in the mood to whore my blog for friends today that make quality products, you all need to check out Lord Alexander Rose's leather goods Etsy store too. 

LAR's Leather Shop

He makes some exceptional toys, my friends & readers. If you're in the market for some handmade leather goods from corsets to floggers to cbt toys to well, pretty much fucking anything you can make out of leather, he's your man. He does all custom work & it's high quality that will last for a good long time. So check him out. 

Heroes & High Heels - RTOTD #816

Day 816

So in case you haven't heard/seen it yet, my roomies have started an Etsy store. And for all the girls reading this that have a geeky side, this might just be something for you. They're making comic book shoes (specializing in high heels) custom made for each order. They take character, title, or even issue requests and have the whole breakdown here. And the prices vary depending on which options you pick.

So... if you're a girl or are dating a girl or like to dress as a girl or whatever... and have a geeky side that you think you might wanna show off with a pair of Avengers or X-Men or Justice League or Green Lantern Corps heels? Seriously... take a look. They do awesome work. And the shoes are suitable for regular daily wear and not just as some kind of decorative piece.

Here's the link and I'll be putting it in my side-bar as well if I can get a widget for there.

Heroes & Heels

And if you ask really nice, they might be willing to accomodate artist requests if you're a big fan of one particular artist. A lot of the cost for this is in materials since they use actual comic pages for the shoes.

So check them out. And even if you're not interested, pass the info along to your friends that might be.

Just Turn Out The Lights & Exit To The Right - RTOTD #815

Day 815

Cleveland... I lived in you for a little while about a decade ago and while I didn't entirely hate you, I didn't like you very much either. But you really need to go back to bed because I think you might be a little drunk.

I wrote a blog post a little while back about how there must be something in the water up there that makes people go crazy. After the past few years, I am certain of it.

I could go back as far as the Torso Murderer and a few other crazies but just in the past few years, you had that Alt.com serial killer and the creepy fuck that kidnapped those girls and kept them chained up in his house (not in the fun way) for like a decade until that dude was outside eating his magical lucky Big Mac and happened to stumble across them and call the cops. And then today... I checked the news and oh look... another god damned serial killer in Cleveland that killed women.

There's just gotta be something in the water. I know that I felt it maybe a little before I moved out of there and kinda started losing my goddamned mind. Probably took me another year or 2 being away from that place before I started coming back to some semblance of sanity. And the craziest bitch I ever stuck my dick in was from there too. In fact, outside of about 2 people I met while I was there, there wasn't much sanity that I found in that city.

I really think this might be justification for firebombing that city into oblivion. Because it's now reached the point of being endemic of the region. Crazy motherfuckers everywhere. Between that and the Browns and just generally your history of sports loserdom, I really do think you've lost any justifiable rights to remain in existence.

So please, exit to the right and go find a new city. The City of Cleveland has been condemned. It's going to be knocked down next week and then after the scrap is salvaged, we'll just let the Earth reclaim it. Cause ya'll motherfuckers hate women up there. With every one of these crazy fucks, women are the victims. And while I think most of the feminists out there are batshit fucking crazy, how are they NOT screaming for heads to roll up there? Cause I think Cleveland DOES have a war against women going on.