Random Thought Of The Day #676

Day 676

It's weird to think about how long I've been involved in the public scene now.  I saw that 2 of my friends celebrating their 7 year anniversary of being together today and it made me sit there and think "how long have I been around?"

I went to my first munch in about spring of 2005. And I was the kid there. I didn't know anyone. I don't even know if FL existed at that point (which is strange, considering that I'm like... member # less-than-3000 or something out of over a million and change at this point) and I got my info from a random OLD calendar. Even before the google calendar that still is somewhat used.

I don't even remember which munch group it was. I only remember being kinda looked at like "who the fuck is this guy?" by a bunch of people old enough to be my parents. It was really awkward. I don't think there was anyone under 50 in the room that night and I kinda wanted to just walk right back out the door when I was there.

I didn't go back. I took only one thing out of that first munch and that was "the kink world here isn't for young people". I didn't talk to anyone that night. And nobody talked to me. I sat in a chair & listened to people and got really fucking bored.

See... here's something you might not actually know about me. I'm painfully shy.

Yeah... I know. It seems antithetical. I'm loud. I'm outspoken. I make a spectacle of myself. I put the spotlight right on me. There's no way that a guy that does that is shy, right?

You'd be shocked. Try putting me one-on-one, with no audience, and someone that I don't know at all. I'm guarded. I'm kinda quiet. I become un-Joe-like. I'm shy.

Here's the secret. I want the audience. I want the spotlight. But I want it because it allows me to play the odds better. I look from person to person. I find that person that I'm connecting with through my words or actions. I find that person that's vibing ME and I feed off that. I try to keep that connection. I don't need to get any sort of "approval" from a group as a whole. I pick it apart and get it piece-by-piece. Systematically.

I try to get that one person "on my side" and like an ally. I make that connection and it almost becomes a self-sustaining thing. It grows from there. I get one person that I start feeling more comfortable about and it gives me an audience to play to more. And then I seek that next person. And the next. Until I get more "connections" that I have than those I haven't yet made in that group. It spreads. Like a virus.

Remember how many times I've told you that I infect people with myself? yeah... exactly. That's how I do it.

Now granted, sometimes I'm only seeking that "connection" from that first person. Like a first-come-first-serve counter. I find that connection & build it because that's all I want at that moment. Just one person to connect to and find some form of comfort with. I find that person in a group & it relaxes me to make that first connection.

Plus... my method of making a spectacle of myself works in a different way as well with other people. It provides a strange form of self-fulfilling prophecy. Awesome people get the spotlight put on them all the time. Well... and some attention-whoring asshats too, but still. In this case we're talking about me. And I'm fucking amazing.

But as I was saying... putting the spotlight on me gives people the inital impression of "he must be kinda awesome to have that much of a spotlight on him" before they even get to know me. It's like my first-impression without actually having to make a first impression. It creates a positive pre-concieved notion that I intentionally foster.

The thing is... none of it is inherintly dishonest or anything. It's just my way of compensating for naturally painful shyness. I had to find a way around it to meet people & make new friends. I needed to find a way to show how awesome I was without it being a one-on-one thing.

I'll tell you another thing. It's why I've always sucked at picking up girls at the bar. Well, not so much sucked as just been too shy to generally go up to a cute girl by herself and strike up a conversation. I'm no good at it. I can approach a group of cute girls and use my normal approach and be funny & charming and all that just by finding that one initial connection. And build it until that cute girl to the right of the girl in the middle starts to notice me. I might have been too shy to go straight up to her athte beginning, but I can get her to come to me in a way because of this.

Is it a little manipulative? Sure... but it's not dishonest or anything. I'm not being untrue to who I am. I'm just avoiding an uncomfortable way to approach someone and make friends by doing it in a more comfortable way for me. We all do it in some ways. This is just how I do it.

Maybe it's because I've been on stage since I was a kid. I've been on more big stages and performed in more things than I could even count. And I loved it. Sometimes I was the center of attention, sometimes I was one of many. But I was always comfortable with people looking at me while I did something & performed for their "approval". The spotlight has always been comfortable. Even when I can look right back into the audience.

But how was that first munch different then? What was it about that time that was different?

It took me a little bit of time to realize it. But it's because it was mostly couples and not so much a group. There was no other 3rd wheels that I could connect with. There was nobody close to my age to connect with. There was nobody that I saw anything about that I could really connect with to get that first foothold to climb that mountain of being entirely comfortable. It wasn't really a GROUP that was functioning in that dynamic. It wasn't the same as a just a group of people with some couples mixed in. I wasn't just the 3rd wheel, I was the 15th. There was nothing to connect with.

So yeah... about 6 or 7 years ago, I hit my first munch and hated it. It took me about a year or 2 more before I came back to anything. I don't know if I can really say that I stuck around but I've been involved in the public world since then & probably will be for many more years to come. As much as that might piss some people off.

I guess I eventually answered my question to myself there. In a really meandering & oddly personal way that probably gives away FAR too much about me. Heh... even in writing, I'm still a little guarded, ain't I?