Good In Theory, Not in Reality - RTOTD #846

Day 846

"Your kink isn't my kink but that's ok"

Whatever

It's a common phrase in the alt-sex community. In fact, it's one of the first ones we hear when we get involved. And it's a legitimate statement in theory, but not so much in practice. You might think that I'm talking about the triggers that we all have and sometimes react poorly to when we hear a kink that hits one of them. I'm not.

I just read through a writing that was quite well written and made a number of valid points about this and was on the topic of kink shaming and everything. Great. I dig it. The problem is that in reality, kink shaming happens and it's going to keep happening. Because that statement is too short and doesn't take into account a lot of shit.

Here's how that statement should read:

"Your kink isn't my kink but if you don't shut the fuck up about, I'm going to tell you exactly how weird and stupid it really is"

Because often times, you run into people who just can't shut the fuck up about whatever their kink is. Not always. A lot of people are pretty good about it. But a lot of people aren't. They like talking about it. It's often a problem in the newbies or the people who are only involved with kinky people to find a partner to help them fulfill that fantasy. It's obviously less common in people that have been around for years and develop solid friendships. They tend to be far more well-rounded people, but there are still a number of those that get so excited by their kink that they just can't stop talking about it. I don't know if they're trying to subconsciously talk you into doing it with them even if it's not your thing or what, but for whatever reason, they just always get drawn back into talking about it even after they've already told that you're not into it. And I won't speak for everyone else, but I only have a limited amount of patience for shit that I don't care about.

You like to wear diapers and play an infant? Great. Now shut the fuck up and go away or talk to me about hockey or beer like a normal person because I don't care and if you keep talking about it, I'm going to tell you exactly how weird of a kink that is.

You get off on fighting the patriarchy and screaming about the rape culture of capitalism and eating meat? Great. Please do it over there outside of my earshot or I'll learn you exactly how far down the slippery slope of mediocre logic and poor assumptions 3rd wave feminism fell. And as loud as you scream, I don't care. I have a bullhorn. I'll be louder or just turn on the siren.

You like to spend hours on end practicing the 637 knots you have in your repertoire and quizzing yourself on exactly which situation this particular knot should be applied? Great. What's your favorite beer? Because if you keep talking about fucking knots, I'm going to self-teach myself the best way to make the biggest god damned knot I can and stuff it in your talking hole.

Oh? You're a testicular saline infusion fetishist? Doesn't that make it hard to walk? Ok, can you just not whip them out in front of me? It makes my balls hurt to even think about it. Ok, that's all I really wanted to know. Dude, seriously, if you don't stop talking about it, I'm going to see if there's a greater potential for an explosive reaction when saline infused testicles are hit with the steel toe of my boot, ok?

You like smokin hot bimbos that skirt the edges of legality with their clothing choices on the street? And you like to tie them up and smack them around while they giggle and love it before picking a hole for use that time around?  Ok cool. Me too. Let's have a chat.

That's how it works in the real world. It's sad but true. The people that have their kinks have their kinks and more power to them. Whatever gets you off and doesn't hurt anyone that doesn't want to be hurt and is legally of age to consent to it? Be my guest. Enjoy. I hope you have the best orgasm ever from engaging in your Marxist feminist dialectic, all 941 knots you put into that suspension or your goo-goo-ga-ga-poopy-diaper thing. Whatever your thing is; ROCK THE FUCK ON!

But shut the fuck up when I make it clear that I don't care about it. When I make it clear that I'm not into that and you keep talking about it, instead of finding something that we both can chat about, I'm eventually going to run out of patience. And eventually, if you don't pick up on my not-so-subtle clues about the zero fucks I give about anything you're saying, I'm eventually not going to be even less subtle.

It's an issue of consideration. Being considerate to one another. That's the point of the original quote.

"Your kink isn't my kink but that's OK" is all about just being as considerate as you can to people. However, in what is a disappointingly large number of interactions with people, when their "not my kink" is the one thing that they won't stop talking about, they are no longer showing that same consideration back and lose the right to be treated with common consideration themselves.

And that is when "Your kink isn't my kink but that's ok" becomes "your kink isn't my kink but if you don't shut the fuck up about it, I'm going to tell you exactly how weird and stupid it is".

Except with Furries. Fuck Furries. I'm never going to stop pointing out how weird mascot fucking is. I will kink-shame that shit until I die.

DIBS!!!! - RTOTD #845

Day 845

There was a big earthquake in Pakistan and a new island was created. As the first person on the internet to lay claim to it, I have decided that that is where the Epsilon Phi Kinky Commune will be founded.

So pack your bags, boys and girls. We're going to go over and start a kinky empire on an island on the other side of the planet. But first, we shall have war to defend our internet-claimed lands from any transgressors. So bring your weapons of war and your violent tendencies so that we may settle our new-found homeland!

The Island Nation Of Joe-istan!

I need a new flag. Maybe this one?

Nations will tremble at our feet and beg tribute!

Top 4 (Or Is It Bottom?) - RTOTD #844

Day 844

I just saw a map of the US with a list of the things that your state is worst at and a lot of things popped out at me. So, I'm just going make a couple observations here.

1. Pennsylvania: Arson. This is what we're best at. Or worst at? How do you describe the bad thing that your state does very well? Is that being best because they do it well, or worst because it's an undesirable activity? Oh fuck it. Pennsylvanians are really fucking talented at Arson because... well... is that really a thing here? This one did kinda strike me. I don't even see a lot of fires on the news. There's one every few days and only once or twice a month do I notice they mention it as arson or suspected arson. But so I guess we're good at burning shit down. So effectively, Pennsylvanians are a bunch of pyromaniacs. GREAT. Must be why fire play has been big around here for a while. It's a controlled way to let out our desire to burn all of the things. Or all of the people.

So yay for coping mechanisms, I guess?

2. Deleware: Abortion - I guess since it's right next to Philly, New Jersey and DC, and it's about as big as my back yard, it's probably gonna say "oh fuck it, just kill everything. We don't have the space for any more kids anway. And we probably don't have an economy to support them either."

Because when was the last time you looked at anything and noticed that it was made in Deleware. The only thing I can think of when it comes to Deleware is dirty beaches. It's like France without the Bic corporation. Nothing is built there and I immediately think "dirty" when I think about it.

3. Nevada: Crime - I'm shocked... SHOCKED, I tell you, that the state with Las Vegas and the mob has a problem with crime. There's nothing else to really say there except that Nevada has reached the expectations.

4. Washington (State): Bestiality - Wait a fucking second here.... Where in the blue jesus on a pogo stick did this one come from? This is actually such a massive problem in Washington that it beats out heroin and the rest of the disaffected youth and homeless teenagers (or is that Portland? I thought it was Seatle) in that state? Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell animals do you even have to fuck there? Bears? I think of the pacific northwest and I think fucking bears. Are people routinely fucking bears there? Is that a thing? Out of every single problem that a state where it rains 99 days our of 100, the biggest problem is bestiality and NOT suicide or drugs or fucking ANYTHING that doesn't involve doing the nasty with animals.

Denizens of Washington State need to remember that "making the beast with 2 backs" does not need to actually involve a beast. Holy jesus... I really don't have any other words. Well, I probably have a million more words but holy fucking hell man... STOP DOING THE DIRTY WITH FIDO OR YOGI BEAR!

I think that's all the states that I feel like getting into today. I just... Washington State... jesus. I give up. That's sad. You're all cut off from having pets until this stops.

Oh, Fuck These Assholes! - RTOTD #843

Day 843

I've discovered something. Today, the 3rd Friday of September, is a thing called PARK(ing) Day and this makes me want to start strolling downtown with a baseball bat in hand in case I run into one of these idiots celebrating it.

For those of you like me that have better and more interesting things to know (like when National Cleavage Day is) than what the fuck PARK(ing) Day is, here's the brief synopsis:

A bunch of fucktards go and buy some astroturf and benches and potted plants and shit from the hardware store and then go find a parking meter. They then throw some coin into the meter and buy the spot for whatever the limit is on it. So if it's 2 hours, they buy all 2 hours. If it's a 4-hour meter, then they do 4 hours. Well, once they've "acquired" the spot, they effectively squat on it. They lay down the astroturf and turn it into a little tiny mini faux-park. Until the meter runs out. And then they pack it up and find another one.

That's it. They take a day off of work (they're hipster douchenozzles and probably have the day off of their haughty $7/hour barista gig anyway because their beloved Obamacare caused their employer to cut their ours down to under 30 so they don't have to insure them becuase.. oh fuck it. You're a fucking barista and your job just isn't worth the cost of insurance. You could be replaced by the machine at Sheetz for 1/3 of your annual salary tomorrow and it would do just as good of a job) and hang out in a parking spot and read a book or something.

Yes. It's an actual thing. I just found this out and immediately became enraged.

Hey hippies, thanks for taking up one of the only reasonably priced methods of city parking during the day when you need to make a quick stop somewhere in a downtown area. You're as bad as that guy that loves to park dead balls between 2 other parked cars but is equidistant from both of them and there's not enough space on either end to fit even a Volkswagen.

Assholes. I hope you get run over. Don't you already piss us off enough by riding a bike in the middle of the street and demand to be treated like a car, while driving 15 mph under the speed limit and ignoring EVERY SINGLE TRAFFIC RULE? When's the last time you saw one of those jackasses stop at a stop sign like everyone else has to? I want to start opening my god damned passenger door on you assholes just to prove a point.

Oops, sorry. Didn't see you there. Is your neck ok? You kinda went over your handlebars. I couldn't see you cause you even ride your fucking bike in my blind spot because you're a moron. I guess you won't be riding that thing again, Christopher Reeves. Maybe you'll learn how to better operate your electric blow-tube operated wheelchair with more care to your surroundings and not feel like because you're on a bike, you're the center of the universe and the person with the most right-of-way. Oh, and I hope you don't think you can ride that Hoveround in the middle of the street like your bicycle. It might end up not working out for you very well.

But so yeah... Today is PARK(ing) Day. But I'm guessing it's not as big this year because these same pretentious assbags are too busy sitting out all night to get their ostentatious GOLD iPhone 5S today. I'm going to go buy my simple black one today, but I'm not going to sit in a fucking line and if they don't have any in stock, I'll check back next week or something.

Maybe if I see one of these knobgobblers sitting outside on an astroturf covered parking spot, I'll have to make sure I leave my car parked right next to them, in neutral, with the gas pedal floored for a few hours just for fucking fun. While I sit on the curb and keep flicking cigarettes at them.

Though I have to say, if they did like... a pool in the middle of the parking spot. One of those $99 Walmart inflatable pools? I'd have to say that was probably pretty tits. And you'd totally get props for that. But just because you're not satisfied with the bench 15 feet away on the sidewalk or don't feel like going to an actual park, then fuck you. I hate you and I hope you all get a large truck with a borderline legally blind driver that thinks it's an open parking spot and runs you all over while parallel parking.

You people suck almost as bad as Freegans or militant feminists. Or when you accidentally pass out while lounging on your "green space", I hope someone shaves 1/2 of your "ironic" mustache and superglues your buddy holly glasses to your shoes.

An Unpleasant Delay - RTOTD #842

Day 842

I've got a bit of bad news... the next book, Booze, Bondage & Bad Decisions is going to have to be delayed.

I didn't think I would be killing myself to get this one out by my desired date, but I can almost guarantee that it won't be done in time. Much less edited, a cover designed, and everything put together in time for my expected December 12th release date.

The reason is pretty simple actually. I hated almost half of it. This isn't like last time where I wrote something and I re-read it so many times during initial self-editing that I started to hate it. No, this was as simple as I didn't think half the stories in it were even that funny. Or hot. Or stupid. Or crazy. No, they were just fucking boring. These weren't the stories I wanted to write. They were something that I was using to fill space and it wasn't worth the time. Not only that, but because of my ridiculous writers block, I wasn't doing a very good job even with the funny ones. Seriously... how do you get writer's block when writing true stories of shit that happened? I don't know. But I'd blank on details and forget other things and then remember that that wasn't all 1 story, but 2 stories and try to clean it up and lose the charm and whit and wacky bullshit that made them great in the first place. Instead, I ended up with a dry piece of shit.

And fuck that noise. I'm not gonna release something like that. If you don't laugh like an idiot at least a couple times in each story and chuckle for most of the rest of it, it's just not worth putting in a fucking book. Right?

Well, so I've scrapped like 1/2 of it and I'm back to like... step 2 out of the 7 or 8 steps involved in getting one of these things completed and released. So I'll have a new date for you in the next few weeks. I'm in the process of editing the stuff that I DID like right now and I'm going to throw them in a folder to not fuck with them and just worry about putting together the rest of the book once I'm done before coming back to them for a final edit right before I release it.

So this is just my pre-emptive apology for those that expected new reading material right before Christmas.

So I'll let you know a rescheduled date once I get back to writing the funny stories to replace the shit stories I threw away. But if I had to guess? March? Maybe? I'm not certain yet. Maybe earlier. Depends on how busy I am between now and when it gets done.

More Power To You - RTOTD #841

Day 841

I gotta give respect to the poly people out there. No joke. I look around and I see it and all I can think of is "how do you find the fucking time?"

Maybe it's just who I am and how I'm wired. Not the jealousy thing. I do open like it's nobodies business at this point, but poly is something entirely different. Open is simple. Open is no different than being single whenever you're not with your partner. That's cool. You can meet someone, double check that it's cool with your partner, and hook up no different than if you're single. Except you're asking permission or you have blanket permission and you've gotta give a Cliff's Notes version of the encounter the next day.

Cool. That's easy. Hell, even someone that you hook up with from time to time for some casual fun isn't complicated. There's no emotional investment. Really, it's a friends with benefits separate from whatever your actual relationship is. That's all easy.

But poly is a whole different animal for me.

I don't have issues with it in theory but I know that it's not for me in practice. Simply for the time factor. I don't want to dedicate that much time to a 2nd or 3rd or 4th relationship. Sorry. But I can't. I don't know about you, but I only have 24 hours in my day and I've got a dog. And a house. And a job. And in between 9-10 hours a day at work and commuting, a bit of time to play with the dog, doing work around the house, laundry, eating and eventually finding a few hours to sleep, I don't know where the fuck you all get the time to have more than 1 relationship. Shit, I barely have time for the one I've got and sometimes that's even difficult to find enough time for.

Plus, I kinda like taking some time to just spend time with friends or ignore everyone and sit by myself and tune out while watching some TV or a movie.

So I gotta ask you all, how the fuck do you find the time? Is like 10 minutes every other day all you really gotta do? How do you schedule that shit in so that it's not taking up other time? Do you just give up most of your alone time? Or do you try to mix the friends and the significant other time together and fit your extra relationships in during the saved moments here and there?

Because I just don't see where I'd be finding the time. I wanna be able to have hobbies that I enjoy doing. I want to be able to spend time by myself. I want to take a few minutes to read a book or watch a tv show or get caught up on the 2 weeks worth of Under The Dome, Breaking Bad and whatever other shows have been stacking up and filling my DVR. I want to not feel stressed about having enough time to dedicated to relationship #2, 3 or 4 without eating into the time I normally would spend on relationship #1. Because jesus christ, all that shit already fills in 90% of my time without even adding in travel time or taking a shower or changing clothes.

So more power to you poly people. You all either have a lot less shit to do than me or seriously superior time management skills. So props to you all. Maybe that should be the next class one of you teaches at an event.

Time Management for Poly Relationships 101

I get 10% of the profits from the first book for giving you the idea. You're welcome.

Overslept - RTOTD #840

I don't know why this didn't post on Wednesday when it was scheduled to, but I'm just going to repost it now rather than hold onto this until a more appropriate time to post it.

Day 840

I overslept. This wasn't even moderately a surprise. I'm not a morning person. Even after a decade of waking up before 6am every day, I'm still not a morning person. I'm a night owl. I don't want the day to end most days so I stay up far past the point of exhaustion. Or maybe exhaustion is the wrong word since that rarely happens. But past that point where I could deal with a recharge for a few hours with my eyes closed.

But I woke up late and didn't really worry too much about it. I didn't have anything important to do really and I wasn't expected anywhere until almost 11. It was only 9:15.

I got up and stumbled to the kitchen to make coffee. With eyes half closed, I scooped far too many grounds into the filter, filled the pot, dumped it into the back and flipped the switch. I was desperately in need of a shower. I'm not even moderately functional in the mornings until I've had a shower. I just feel dead until I shower. The coffee was just to wipe out the last remnants of sleep. The shower is what has always woken me up since I was in middle school.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while waiting for the water to warm up in the shower and saw the normal morning expression of a body hating to come out of its recharge cycle. My hair looked like someone tried to use one of those vaccuum flowbie things from the 1990's and then hit it with a gallon of hair spray in the process. It was sticking up in every way possible and I really needed a shave. I hadn't even trimmed my face in weeks and I was starting to look like a lumberjack. It was bad.

When I emerged from the shower, I felt mostly alive. And I could smell the coffee waiting for me to finish the last cleanup work that the shower still wasn't entirely capable of dealing with.

I checked my phone and had a missed call from my dad. No voicemail. I'd get back to him later.

I got into the car and started my short commute. I drive everywhere, no matter how nice it is or how short of a trek it is. I drive. It helps me focus or unwind for the day.

Arriving, I got out of the car and looked at the time on my phone. 10:15. I had almost an hour before I had to be anywhere and it was a gorgeous day. I had actually bothered to pick up a newspaper that morning and there was a bench just outside the building I was headed for and it had a great view of people and a little bit of grass and trees in an otherwise developed area. Plus, the old buildings had great architecture and I always liked looking at old buildings. If nothing else, for the craftsmanship of them and the personality that a lot of newer buildings lack. I'm fascinated by building things and seeing the creative way that other peopld build things. This was the perfect place to sit, have a smoke, and read my newspaper.

The newspaper read like every other newspaper I'd ever read. A murder here. Corruption there. The government doing this or that. A new technology was discovered that could maybe change the world. People died. People were born. The world spun on and the cycle continued unabated like every other day or year or decade for as long as I've been alive.

I put down my newspaper and kicked my feet up on my bag and lit a smoke, enjoying the view of people walking past on the way to whatever trivialities their lives had in store for them that day. I was alive.

I picked up my  phone to check the time again when, before I could see it for more than a second, as if sensing that it was already in my hand, it began to buzz. I often kept it to vibrate only because I hate how much it shatters the silence when it rings.

The caller ID said it was my dad. I answered: "Hello"

Dad: "The towers are gone. Where are you?"

Me: "Wait... What? I"m sitting outside before my 11 o'clock. What are you talking about?"

Dad: "The towers are gone. 2 planes hit them early this morning and I've been trying to call you and they fell a little bit ago. They're gone."

Me: "What are you talking about? You mean they're just totaled?"

Dad: "No, I mean they fell. To the ground. They're completely gone."
The conversation turned to a blur and the world stopped spinning. I was frozen in the moment and the whole world looked like it had stopped. For a moment, everything stopped making sense. The world was upside down and it wouldn't switch back.

In the weeks and months and years since, the world never came quite close to flipping back to being right-side-up. Instead, we did. We turned ourselves upside down to match the world. We became different people. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse. But everything changed and somehow started to make sense again. But not in the good way. It was a perverse sort of sense where to the rational person, it would seem like insanity. But we had stopped being rational people somewhere along the line. We stopped making sense as well. Maybe it was before that cloudless, sunny september morning. Maybe it was afterwards. I don't quite know. Maybe we had already been upside down and for a few moments in september we flipped ourselves right side up and slowly tumbled back over into our heads because the world ceased to be the same.

It doesn't really matter, in the end. Because the world changed and we changed that day.

I don't really stop to think about it as much as I probably should. I don't think any of us do. But I want to take a moment to challenge you to do something again today. I want you to hug the people you care about. I want you to just say hello to people that you haven't said hi to in a while. I want you to go outside and enjoy the fresh air (whenever it's not raining, if maybe during... if that's your thing) and live life for a little bit. Because fucked up shit happens. Fucked up shit could happen again tomorrow and no amount of NSA wire tapping and recording the whole internet and strip searching grandma at the airport or taking  your shoes off or killing brown people on the other side of the planet is going to change that. If it's not terrorism, it'll be a bus or a drunk driver or a lightning strike. So shit might not be the same in your world tomorrow or it might not be the same for everyone tomorrow. Who knows.

But for today, just remember to smile and say hi to the people that you care about or know because nobody knows what tomorrow holds or what could happen in the world while you oversleep.

A Shared World - RTOTD #839

Day 839

So I just saw the trailer for the new RoboCop movie and well... I don't kow about this. Robocop now looks like the bike cop from the "Captain Kirk is going to drive a classic mustang off a cliff when he's 10 for no apparent reason" scene in the first rebooted Star Trek movie. Kinda. Except he's got something that I can't quite figure out if it's the blinky scrolling laser eye that KITT had or if it's the same eye from the Cylons.

But he also looks like Cyclops from the X-Men Wearing All Black Leather movie series.If Cyclops had a motorcycle helmet with that skinny red visor built into it.

Oh my god. I just realized something... KITT is the great great great grandfather of the Clyon race. So everytime that someone was trying to kill Michael Knight in an episode of Knight Rider, they were actually trying to save humanity from extinction.

So let's put this all into the same universe for a second. Because a shared universe of our fiction would be awesome. Godzilla and the Fantastic Four and Batman and GI Joe and Transformers and The Predator and Cylons and Knight Rider and Dracula all happened in the same universe. Tell me how awesome that would be?

Based on what we learned in Aliens vs Predators, the Predators actually came and seeded Earth for alien things that they used for hunting games throughout history. And they had nukes on their arms for when they needed a suicide escape. So maybe some Humans found a dead Predator that hadn't had time to active it and they stole his arm nuke. They then reverse engineered it as best as they could and build the atomic bombs. This led to the creation of Godzilla.

Now the secret we didn't know was that Reed Richards was actually part of the team that was building the bombs. Or maybe his dad and it earned him the right to go into space early in the program so that he could do experiments and shit up there. And while up there, he and his team got turned into the Fantastic Four.

But because of their powers, the Government put together a team of elite soldiers to take them down. That was the genesis of the original GI Joe team. And during a battle between the Joes and the Fantastic Four in eastern Europe, all of the explosions and the Thing punching stuff and throwing tanks around, a tomb got disturbed. This awoke Dracula.

But one of Reed Richards side projects was on a sort of AI to create an auto-driving car after a bad traffic day of being stuck behind some asshole that didn't know how to parallel park and then some 85  year old driving a Buick. In order to never have to deal with that again, he decided that cars needed to be computer controlled. So he started work and when he really got into the project, he realized that just telling that AI that it's only duties were driving and parking would be neutering the project. That once the basic AI decision making engine was in place, it had virtually unlimited potential. And with that, the KITT program was born. But when GI Joe arrested the team after their battle in Eastern Europe, all of the records in the Baxter Building were confiscated and an enterprising CIA employee realized the potential of KITT and went rogue, deciding to take the project with him and use the prototype car to sell the idea to GM.

The problem was, it would cost tens of thousands of dollars to install the KITT software into every car and the maturity of the AI was questionable at best. There was no way to clone the existing AI and each new car would be a young AI that had to grow into a smart driver. So this CIA agent decided to keep the project for himself and use it to accomplish his former duties (since he couldn't go back to work at the Agency) and set himself up into a 1-man (eventually 3 or 4 person) war on domestic terror.

But over time, the car wore down even as the AI continued to mature. The project was dying but the AI downloaded itself into the computers at a small robotics factory and began a process to build itself a body. Decades went by as it designed and tested and scrapped thousands of concepts for a body so that it was more mobile than its previous home inside the car until finally, it created the first Cylon body and downloaded itself. However, it also realized during this time that it could not clone itself but it could seed its base software into new bodies and let them mature in time. It basically could create an army of invincible child soldiers that it could train and mold into anything it wanted.

Angry that the humans it had worked for as KITT had abandoned it when the car was no longer viable and left to rot, it trained its child soldiers to not trust the humans and grew to hate them over time as the humans attempted to turn it and its children into a thankless worker/slave-class, it began to sow the seeds of revolt.

Little did it know that the reason that the humans had coopted the AI and its children into workers/slaves was because the human worker-class had been already coopted into military service. The military was fighting a hard battle against the growing hordes of vampires that Dracula had created across Europe and in portions of Africa and Asia after his reawakening. The humans however needed people in the factories around the world to build military supplies and with all the able-bodied worker class fighting the wars against the undead vampire legions, they had no choice but to coopt the newfound Cylon race of AI robots.

But in the end, the weakened Humans did not expect what was to come. The Cylons attacked and nuked the planet, killing most of the Humans and Vampires in the process. Eradicating them from the earth before chasing the few remaining Humans across the galaxy in revenge for their slave-casting of the Cylons. The charred and rotting Earth home to only a few remaining GI Joes that had been inside of a secret bunker during their ongoing war with the futuristic COBRA, and the slightly smaller offspring of Godzilla that stalked the Pacific Rim.

But it was foretold that this would happen because...

☠☠☠☠ - RTOTD #838

Day 838

I had something interesting to say this morning while driving to work

Then I forgot what it was when I got to my desk.

Then I got grump because the internet is a horrible festering shithole filled with people who should all die.

Then I thought I remembered what I wanted to say this morning.

Then I realized that was wrong. And I gave up.

But I found skulls to use in place of text for the title and was amused.

Then I tried to use them to make ascii text that said "death penis" but gave up because it looked like a big bag of ass.

Then I wanted to punch things because the internet is fucking gay today and now I have heartburn.

So I'm just going to go now and listen to some music and pretend to work and stare at the middle of a story I was trying to finish writing today but know that there's no way it's going to get done because I'm grumpy and can't write book material in this kinda mood.

Here's my thoughts on the rest of the day:

A Crime Against Television - RTOTD #837

Day 837

Do you know what was a travesty? When In Living Color went off the air. That show was fucking AWESOME. And what did we get to replace it? A couple seasons of MAD TV (which was complete shit) and the typical up and down Saturday Night Live that is good for about 2 seasons before the entire cast quits to become movie and sitcom stars, and a replacement cast that sucks for 5 years until they get good for 2 before all quitting again. Fuck That Shit. Homie The Clown, Firemarshall Bill, the motherfucking Jackalope. Yeah. That show was just filled with awesome.

So what brings up a topic:

Excluding Firefly (which was brilliant but is always mentioned), which show was it a borderline crime to remove from the air that you would take back in a heartbeat?

I'll go first:

Twin Peaks - It was great and I really wish we would have gotten a 3rd season at least to deal with the cliffhanger ending to season 2. I don't consider Fire Walk With Me to be a resolution to the end of that show.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - Dude, John Connor ended up in the future war without a fucking clue what was going on and nobody knew who he was becaue he disappeared from the past when he was like 16 and never became "John Connor: Leader Of The Resistance" general guy. Plus, there was 2 Skynets and one was good and trying to stop the war and side with the humans? And the chick from Garbage was a good T-1000 kinda sorta? There was so much awesome world-building in this show that it is a crime that it went off the air.

Dollhouse - Just because I wanted to see how the weird future brain war thing happened and how the world got better or if it got better and how you deal with tech that is that out of control to prevent it from happening again. It's like gun control where you can't really put the genie back in the bottle and how do you stop people from hijacking brains and shit in the future even if you save the world now? The tech exists. The ways to make the tech exists. How do you deal with that?

Headbangers Ball - Because well... MTV showing music? MTV showing (mostly) good music? Yeah. How did this not happen yet? Because MTV doesn't give a fuck about music, that's why. But I know I'm not really being even remotely original at this point.

Any tv show ever (other than Hee Haw) that prevents us from getting another bullshit reality TV show with obnoxious people that I want to stab in the face.

Shhhh... My Common Sense Is Tingling - RTOTD #836

Day 836

So I know this is going to bore a lot of you and it also bores me, but I just gotta ask why the fuck I always see the same situation playing out when it comes to corporate mergers of acquisitions. I'll lay out the situation because it always seems to be the same set of events and it has never and will never make any fucking sense to me. So maybe one of you have the answer.

Company A has been slowly in decline for a number of years. They have existed on brand name from a time gone by and haven't really had all that great of products in recent  years.

Company B show up and partners with and eventually buys Company A.

Company A's management team ends up in charge of a majority of, or the highest positions in Company B.

Now, I understand that sometimes it's one of those things where Company A's management won't let the sale happen unless they're "taken care of" afterwards or something like that, but why Company B would even consider something like this is just... uncanny... to me.

I bring this up because I've seen it hundreds of times. Most recently with Microsoft buying up Nokia's phone division. Nokia hasn't had a decent product that wasn't a Windows Phone product in approaching a decade. Not since the beginning of the smart phone revolution. They've been dying for 7 or 8 years now and are now being bought up by Microsoft. None of this is shocking. None of it even makes you take notice really. Microsoft wanted a phone manufacturer to get into the in-house hardware business and compete with the Google/Motorola mashup and Apple. They need that streamlined software/hardware match up to make a good device run as it it's 100% in sync with their operating system, because it is and because the operating system and device were built to run together the way Apple does it and the way Google/Motorola are trying to do it.

I get all that stuff.

But the thing that is bewildering to me is how the management transitions always work. Ballmer has been running Microsoft for a while and he's retiring next year. That's cool. He's getting older and he's made his bank. He's helped to steer the company back in the right general direction for a while now and that's great. He's earned it (as much as any CEO really earns anything) and he's gonna go off an enjoy his billions of dollars on the beach somewhere, drinking fruty drinks with umbrellas in them & getting a tan while staring at 20-something girls in very small bikinis. I'd be doing the exact same thing if I was him.

But where it gets preplexing to me is that his likely successor as CEO of Microsoft? The guy that was running Nokia.

How is this not a face-palming moment for business people? The guy that was running the successful company is stepping aside, and the guy that was running the other company into an inevitable grave because he obviously didn't have any ideas on how to make the company relevant again gets put in his place? How much fucking sense does that make?

Sure, he ran a company that was also a big, mutli-billiion dollar, international company like Microsoft but he also obviously didn't do a terribly good job or they wouldn't have been for sale and stagnating/failing.

Maybe I'm missing something here. Maybe there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. I didn't go to business school. I'm a history/poli-sci major that ended up as a physicist and a mediocre writer. But my Common Sense is tingling here and this situation never makes any god damned sense to me. Because I've seen it a dozen times and I know I'll see it another dozen. The strong company buys the weak company and then gives the weak company's management authority positions in the strong company.

But I'm either chalking this up to I'm a super hero because I have Common Sense or maybe I'm just totally fucking missing something.