Day 796
I hate the Flyers. And when I say that, I don't mean it in the way that I hate asparagus or that I hate traffic. Yeah, I might pitch a minor bitch about those things, but the Flyers? The Flyers make me lose my god damned mind.
There's just something about that team that just drives me up the motherfucking wall. Something about the smugness of their fans. The way that half of their fucking team looks like they're inbred cousins of each other (Tell me that Giroux, Harnell, Couterier and a few others don't all look alike) or the way that the national TV announcers verbally fellate pretty much their entire organization, it drives me up the motherfucking wall. Hey Filthy... why don't you try winning something in the last 37 years and then earn some kinda recognition. Oh what? You won a World Series? Congratulations, it's baseball. That's barely a fucking sport.
I rarely have wished injury or death on anyone, but I want that whole fucking city to burn down and for that team to die in a fiery bus accident. Fuck you, Philadelphia. Your city is a filthy, drug-infested ghetto owned by almost entirely by a price-gouging cable monopoly with shitty service. Your most famous local cultural icon is a fucking fictional character! I mean, what else do you have to say about the level of delusion that Philadelphia lives in when they have to idolize a fictional character to personify their city. That's like New York putting up a statue of Spider-Man in front of the fucking Met. Hey, he's inspiring and shit, but he's still an imaginary fucking character!
The only thing redeeming about your shithole city is Pat's Cheese Steaks. And even then, I could live with never eating another one of them if your whole city burned to the fucking ground in exchange. Hopefully, with you bitch hockey team stuck in cement in the middle of it so they can't escape. Go fuck yourselves and die.
Have a nice day. I hope your entire city steps on Legos all day long for the rest of forever.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
A Short Story About Rage - RTOTD #795
Day 795
As those of you that have read my book and those of you that have read this column for a while know, I have a buddy called Rage. He moved out to Colorado a while back and I haven't seen him in a few years, but to this day, he's still one of the best friends I've ever had.
Rage got his nickname because he was that loose-cannon friend. And while some of you might refer to me as "Angry Joe", I'm just loud, abrasive, and opinionated. Rage, on the other hand, is one of those quiet guys that just explodes at times. Not because he's unable to control his anger or anything, but because he's SO in control of his anger that he is like a pot of boiling water that gets covered. Eventually, something has gotta give and he's going to explode, and when that happens, it's quite impressive. And the thing is, he's so naturally angry that those explosions can become almost predicable. You can almost tell when he's about to explode if you know him well enough and can calculate how many "anger points" he's accumulated since his last explosion. It's quite the spectacle.
Often times, I would go out of my way to push his buttons one at a time just to see how close I could get him to that glorious seething volcano of rage without it bubbling over into a Mount St. Helen's like anger explosion. It was a game and even though virtually all of my friends played it, I just played it the best. Hell, I'm planning on putting at least a few stories about doing just that in the next book.
This story however, is not one of those stories.
See, Rage is also almost as random and weird as I am. He is certainly less abrasive and belligerent in his daily behavior, but he's also a lot funnier than me. Truth be told, I was probably one of the least funny members of my group of friends up through my mid-20's. I'm not sure if that's a reflection on how funny they were, how much funnier I've become, or how un-funny my current friends are, but that's a whole other examination that I don't feel really compelled to get into today.
In other stories, I've also told you about one activity that I have always loved doing but don't get as much of a chance to do anymore. Getting in the car and getting lost. Either because of gas prices (seriously, I remember 83 cent gas in the late 90's. This "almost $4" bullshit is un-fucking-acceptable) or time or just because I now live close to the city and there's nowhere TO get lost, I just don't get the chance to do it very often. One of the reasons that I always loved getting lost was because it inevitably led to a good story for one reason or another. There's the Brownstown story. There's the "magical gateway to Indiana" story, there's the "holy shit, we got lost for like 5 hours and wound up in Canada how the fuck do we get home without going past border security wait how did we get INTO Canada without going past border security?" story and at least a dozen more.
This story stayed local. We made a turn off of Route 30 near North Huntington one evening and just started taking roads that "looked cool". Either roads we'd never been on before or just because it reminded me of some road from some movie and oh wait, that's how every horror movie starts, isn't it?
Like most of our other "driving aimlessly and hoping to get lost" stories, we were inebriated. I've told you before and I'll mention it again... I do NOT condone drunk driving or stoned driving. I do my best to avoid doing so at this point. I did however, often engage in it in my younger years and because nobody ever got hurt or died, I can joke about it now. So don't do it. You're probably not as invulnerable as I was in my youth (and still am, to this day). But once again, we were fucked up and driving around.
For the most part, the drive was uneventful. We would turn onto this road or that one and slowly get further lost into the semi-rural areas of Western PA. But because I was involved, eventually something fucking weird had to happen. And inevitably, it did.
After making a turn onto one particular street, we began driving up a hill after about 100 yards. It was fairly steep, but also crested after only about another 50 yards. It was a blind hill where you couldn't see anything past the crest until just before you reached it. And reach it we did. At about 40 mph. This wasn't that big of a problem because Rage's Explorer that he shared with his brother, PrettyBoy, was a fucking beast and weighed approximately as much as an elephant with legs made of cement. It also handled about as well. If it had been a car rather than an SUV, we would have been in the air as soon as we reached the peak of this small hill because of how quickly the road dropped off beyond that point, but thankfully we stayed on the road.
I say thankfully because I have never in my life seen anything like what we saw beyond the top of the hill.
50 feet ahead of us was a guard rail that stretched across the entire road. With a STOP sign mounted directly in the center. Beyond it, all we could see were trees.
Rage slammed on the brakes and we skidded to a stop only a few feet before the guard rail.
We were shocked. There had been no "dead end" or "no outlet" signs. There was no warning whatsoever to warn drivers of what was coming up in front of them. It was simply "road, steep fucking hill, blind drop-off and then BOOM OH HERE'S A MOTHERFUCKING GUARD RAIL!" That was it.
We needed a moment here. We were both borderline hyperventilating and it took us both a moment to catch our breath. Holy fucking sweet jumping Christ on a pogostick. There was no way that a road just ends like this, is there? Not a fucking chance.
We stepped out of the SUV and stood there for a moment before walking up to the guard rail to look over. All we could initially see was trees. Just a bunch of goddamned trees. It was getting quite dark. Even though it was summertime, it was pushing 11:00 and we were out in the middle of fucking nowhere. The ambient light from the city barely reached out this far, but there were a few houses in the area with lights on, and the Explorer's headlights were still on, so we were able to squint over the guard rail and notice...A motherfucking cliff. I'm not just talking about a really steep hill, this was the kind that if you started falling down there was virtually no stopping you until you slammed into a tree or hit the bottom. It wasn't quite 90 degrees straight down, but it was at least 75.
Looking over this cliff for a few more moments, I began to make out more shapes and colors. I turned to Rage:
Me: "Dude, is that a car there?"
Rage: "There's at least 3 that I see"
Me: "What the fuck, man?"
Rage: WHAT THE FUCK?!"
We stood there for another moment, alternating our glances between the burned-out hulks of long-since-wrecked cars and each other. We were utterly speechless.
Rage was the first one to start looking around. I was still in shock. I've done a lot of stupid shit that's almost killed me, but this was a first. This was the first time I've almost died because of the stupidity of someone ELSE. The someone else being whatever waste of sperm that designed this road and whoever in this municipality that had decided that there shouldn't be a fuckload of clear god damnned warnings about the clusterfuck of civil engineering failures that you were about to drive into when you turned onto this road.
I turned and noticed that Rage was walking towards the closest house with lights on. The porch light and the living room lights were on, as well as the TV. I was about to say something and figure out what he was doing, about to yell out to him, when he pushed the doorbell.
Try to imagine this. 11:00 at night, in the middle of nowhere, with very few neighbors, on a dead-end street, and someone is ringing your doorbell. And then try to imagine opening it to see a short, scruffy looking young guy standing there who you've never seen before in your life.
Now imagine that the next thing this total he does is turn half-way away from you, point at the SUV parked in the middle of the street right against this random guard rail and stop sign, turn back to you with a very blank expression and his finger still pointed in the exact same position and simply yelling, not asking, but yelling "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
The guy almost fell over laughing after his initial split-second of shock passed. And I just almost died from oxygen deprivation from my hysterical fits while still standing in the road.
RandomGuy: "HAHAHAHAH!!"
Rage: "NO, REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK!"
RandomGuy: "HAHAHAHAHAHA"
Rage: "SERIOUSLY MAN! WHAT THE FUCK!"
RandomGuy: [He's not even making audible noises at this point, he's doubled over in his front door hyperventilating from laughing so hard]
Rage: "SWEET CHRIST MAN! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT? CAN'T THEY PUT UP A FUCKING WARNING SIGN OR SOME SHIT?"
Rage waited for the guy to regain his composure. He said some other things that I don't really remember because I was still 100 feet away and he was no longer yelling, but after the neighbor managed to stifle down a few more chuckles, he gave Rage some sort of explanation. Rage was not satisfied. He also knew that talking to the neighbor was no long going to be helpful either and without another word, he just turned and walked back to the car. No "thank you". No "sorry to disturb you". Nothing. Just turned and walked away.
I was standing next to the passenger door waiting for him to come back over before getting in. He reached the car, turned back to look at the guard rail again and looked at me again. With the most serious expression I had ever seen before, he looked at me and said "I hope that whoever planned this gets hit by a meteor" and got back into the car.
I think I might have laughed hard enough to let out a little bit of pee before I even got back in the car.
As those of you that have read my book and those of you that have read this column for a while know, I have a buddy called Rage. He moved out to Colorado a while back and I haven't seen him in a few years, but to this day, he's still one of the best friends I've ever had.
Rage got his nickname because he was that loose-cannon friend. And while some of you might refer to me as "Angry Joe", I'm just loud, abrasive, and opinionated. Rage, on the other hand, is one of those quiet guys that just explodes at times. Not because he's unable to control his anger or anything, but because he's SO in control of his anger that he is like a pot of boiling water that gets covered. Eventually, something has gotta give and he's going to explode, and when that happens, it's quite impressive. And the thing is, he's so naturally angry that those explosions can become almost predicable. You can almost tell when he's about to explode if you know him well enough and can calculate how many "anger points" he's accumulated since his last explosion. It's quite the spectacle.
Often times, I would go out of my way to push his buttons one at a time just to see how close I could get him to that glorious seething volcano of rage without it bubbling over into a Mount St. Helen's like anger explosion. It was a game and even though virtually all of my friends played it, I just played it the best. Hell, I'm planning on putting at least a few stories about doing just that in the next book.
This story however, is not one of those stories.
See, Rage is also almost as random and weird as I am. He is certainly less abrasive and belligerent in his daily behavior, but he's also a lot funnier than me. Truth be told, I was probably one of the least funny members of my group of friends up through my mid-20's. I'm not sure if that's a reflection on how funny they were, how much funnier I've become, or how un-funny my current friends are, but that's a whole other examination that I don't feel really compelled to get into today.
In other stories, I've also told you about one activity that I have always loved doing but don't get as much of a chance to do anymore. Getting in the car and getting lost. Either because of gas prices (seriously, I remember 83 cent gas in the late 90's. This "almost $4" bullshit is un-fucking-acceptable) or time or just because I now live close to the city and there's nowhere TO get lost, I just don't get the chance to do it very often. One of the reasons that I always loved getting lost was because it inevitably led to a good story for one reason or another. There's the Brownstown story. There's the "magical gateway to Indiana" story, there's the "holy shit, we got lost for like 5 hours and wound up in Canada how the fuck do we get home without going past border security wait how did we get INTO Canada without going past border security?" story and at least a dozen more.
This story stayed local. We made a turn off of Route 30 near North Huntington one evening and just started taking roads that "looked cool". Either roads we'd never been on before or just because it reminded me of some road from some movie and oh wait, that's how every horror movie starts, isn't it?
Like most of our other "driving aimlessly and hoping to get lost" stories, we were inebriated. I've told you before and I'll mention it again... I do NOT condone drunk driving or stoned driving. I do my best to avoid doing so at this point. I did however, often engage in it in my younger years and because nobody ever got hurt or died, I can joke about it now. So don't do it. You're probably not as invulnerable as I was in my youth (and still am, to this day). But once again, we were fucked up and driving around.
For the most part, the drive was uneventful. We would turn onto this road or that one and slowly get further lost into the semi-rural areas of Western PA. But because I was involved, eventually something fucking weird had to happen. And inevitably, it did.
After making a turn onto one particular street, we began driving up a hill after about 100 yards. It was fairly steep, but also crested after only about another 50 yards. It was a blind hill where you couldn't see anything past the crest until just before you reached it. And reach it we did. At about 40 mph. This wasn't that big of a problem because Rage's Explorer that he shared with his brother, PrettyBoy, was a fucking beast and weighed approximately as much as an elephant with legs made of cement. It also handled about as well. If it had been a car rather than an SUV, we would have been in the air as soon as we reached the peak of this small hill because of how quickly the road dropped off beyond that point, but thankfully we stayed on the road.
I say thankfully because I have never in my life seen anything like what we saw beyond the top of the hill.
50 feet ahead of us was a guard rail that stretched across the entire road. With a STOP sign mounted directly in the center. Beyond it, all we could see were trees.
Rage slammed on the brakes and we skidded to a stop only a few feet before the guard rail.
We were shocked. There had been no "dead end" or "no outlet" signs. There was no warning whatsoever to warn drivers of what was coming up in front of them. It was simply "road, steep fucking hill, blind drop-off and then BOOM OH HERE'S A MOTHERFUCKING GUARD RAIL!" That was it.
We needed a moment here. We were both borderline hyperventilating and it took us both a moment to catch our breath. Holy fucking sweet jumping Christ on a pogostick. There was no way that a road just ends like this, is there? Not a fucking chance.
We stepped out of the SUV and stood there for a moment before walking up to the guard rail to look over. All we could initially see was trees. Just a bunch of goddamned trees. It was getting quite dark. Even though it was summertime, it was pushing 11:00 and we were out in the middle of fucking nowhere. The ambient light from the city barely reached out this far, but there were a few houses in the area with lights on, and the Explorer's headlights were still on, so we were able to squint over the guard rail and notice...A motherfucking cliff. I'm not just talking about a really steep hill, this was the kind that if you started falling down there was virtually no stopping you until you slammed into a tree or hit the bottom. It wasn't quite 90 degrees straight down, but it was at least 75.
Looking over this cliff for a few more moments, I began to make out more shapes and colors. I turned to Rage:
Me: "Dude, is that a car there?"
Rage: "There's at least 3 that I see"
Me: "What the fuck, man?"
Rage: WHAT THE FUCK?!"
We stood there for another moment, alternating our glances between the burned-out hulks of long-since-wrecked cars and each other. We were utterly speechless.
Rage was the first one to start looking around. I was still in shock. I've done a lot of stupid shit that's almost killed me, but this was a first. This was the first time I've almost died because of the stupidity of someone ELSE. The someone else being whatever waste of sperm that designed this road and whoever in this municipality that had decided that there shouldn't be a fuckload of clear god damnned warnings about the clusterfuck of civil engineering failures that you were about to drive into when you turned onto this road.
I turned and noticed that Rage was walking towards the closest house with lights on. The porch light and the living room lights were on, as well as the TV. I was about to say something and figure out what he was doing, about to yell out to him, when he pushed the doorbell.
Try to imagine this. 11:00 at night, in the middle of nowhere, with very few neighbors, on a dead-end street, and someone is ringing your doorbell. And then try to imagine opening it to see a short, scruffy looking young guy standing there who you've never seen before in your life.
Now imagine that the next thing this total he does is turn half-way away from you, point at the SUV parked in the middle of the street right against this random guard rail and stop sign, turn back to you with a very blank expression and his finger still pointed in the exact same position and simply yelling, not asking, but yelling "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
The guy almost fell over laughing after his initial split-second of shock passed. And I just almost died from oxygen deprivation from my hysterical fits while still standing in the road.
RandomGuy: "HAHAHAHAH!!"
Rage: "NO, REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK!"
RandomGuy: "HAHAHAHAHAHA"
Rage: "SERIOUSLY MAN! WHAT THE FUCK!"
RandomGuy: [He's not even making audible noises at this point, he's doubled over in his front door hyperventilating from laughing so hard]
Rage: "SWEET CHRIST MAN! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT? CAN'T THEY PUT UP A FUCKING WARNING SIGN OR SOME SHIT?"
Rage waited for the guy to regain his composure. He said some other things that I don't really remember because I was still 100 feet away and he was no longer yelling, but after the neighbor managed to stifle down a few more chuckles, he gave Rage some sort of explanation. Rage was not satisfied. He also knew that talking to the neighbor was no long going to be helpful either and without another word, he just turned and walked back to the car. No "thank you". No "sorry to disturb you". Nothing. Just turned and walked away.
I was standing next to the passenger door waiting for him to come back over before getting in. He reached the car, turned back to look at the guard rail again and looked at me again. With the most serious expression I had ever seen before, he looked at me and said "I hope that whoever planned this gets hit by a meteor" and got back into the car.
I think I might have laughed hard enough to let out a little bit of pee before I even got back in the car.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Because I Needed A Good Rant - RTOTD #794
Day 794
So... is there a way that we can just kind of eliminate French Canadians?
I mean, Montreal girls are hot and all, but really... it's like a combination of the 2 most annoying groups on the planet.
First of all, you've got the Canadian part with their bullshit haughty "oh, we're so much better than America because we don't have the crime and look at our socialized medicine and legal pot in some places, who cares about gay marriage?" attitude while suckling the American teat of defensive perimeter, major scientific research, and lack of fucking people (seriously, all of Canada has less people than California alone). I mean, thanks for making hockey popular and giving us some great players. But fuck you Canada, you haven't yet thanked Pittsburghers for inventing indoor ice or professional hockey, because fuck you we did it first while you were still sliding around on backyard ponds for free and falling through cracks in the ice. Morally superior smug assholes. We should have just made you colonies when the English offered us to you as well as the other 13 after the Revolutionary War. You're welcome for your pseudo-independence. Even if you still have another country's monarchy on your money. What's your Prime Minister's job again? Learn to pronounce the letter O, you hoser. And bring me a motherfucking moose!
And then to make it worse, you've got the French... and well, do I really need to explain why FUCK YOU, FRANCE! is pretty much the perfect response to anything about the French? Oh, let me guess, you weren't listening because you were too busy covering your garlic and body odor smell with shitty perfume on even men, while making love to your own faces and pretending you're better than everyone else, right, you wine-swilling cheese-eating surrender monkey? And thanks for Vietnam, you cowards. Hey, do we all know the first rule of French warfare? You only win when you don't have a Frenchman commanding you. Wanna know the second? Let the Americans handle it. The only warriors you have that you can be proud of is the Foreign Legion. And none of them are actually Frenchmen! Hey Pepe Le Pew, why don't you tell your women to go shave and maybe then learn some German for the next time around, cause we know you pussies aren't gonna be fighting and we know that your Eastern neighbors like your vineyards or something, cause they keep coming to visit and not leave whenever they get too bored. The most fight you'd see out of a Frenchman would be if they cancelled Fashion Week in Paris. They'd throw down their Berets and stomp out with their nose high in the air, mostly so they can't smell themselves, and then go eat some horse meat. Frog. SPEAK THROUGH YOUR MOUTH! We can't understand you when you're talking out of your nose like usual, Claude.
So yeah... the 2 most obnoxious groups of people on the planet and we decided to let them breed? Fuck, why didn't we throw in the radical queer Marxist feminists too and really make it a party?
"Come one, come all, and see the most annoying show on earth! They'll talk down to you! They'll mumble in a foreign language! They'll make constant and ever-increasing ridiculous and contradictory demands, while being hypocritical and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way. Like children. While smoking and not bathing or grooming and using made up words or words that don't make any sense with their actual definition in the English language! It's a show that you can't dare miss! You'll never ever see someone as morally superior and haughty in your life!"
I mean... hey... they only good thing that ever came out of that menagerie of atrociousness was Mario Lemieux, and he doesn't even live in fucking Canada anymore.
So how about this... we'll take all those hot girl that drive buses and mop floors and strip and hook from Montreal (seriously, it's like this weird hotbed of hot girls. And slutty hot girls, too! So many so that they're even doing menial jobs that no hot American girl would do) and spend a lot of time and money to wipe away that fucking nasal accent. Hell, I'll settle for Jenny & Cathy Poussin alone. And then we can just wipe the rest of you off the map, ok Jacques? Can we localize a zombie apocalypse in just Quebec and then find a way to keep it from spreading outside of there? Then at least we can get some good reality TV out of watching the few Frenchmen that aren't total pansies try to fight for survival. As long as the zombie isn't named Klaus. Because if that's the case, the only fight will be to see how quickly he can pull that white surrender flag out of his back pocket. Hey Pierre, zombies don't actually accept surrender!
I have no idea what prompted this, but just kinda couldn't hold it in. But hey... I was bored and I haven't gone on a good rant about any particular group of people in a while. So enjoy.
So... is there a way that we can just kind of eliminate French Canadians?
I mean, Montreal girls are hot and all, but really... it's like a combination of the 2 most annoying groups on the planet.
First of all, you've got the Canadian part with their bullshit haughty "oh, we're so much better than America because we don't have the crime and look at our socialized medicine and legal pot in some places, who cares about gay marriage?" attitude while suckling the American teat of defensive perimeter, major scientific research, and lack of fucking people (seriously, all of Canada has less people than California alone). I mean, thanks for making hockey popular and giving us some great players. But fuck you Canada, you haven't yet thanked Pittsburghers for inventing indoor ice or professional hockey, because fuck you we did it first while you were still sliding around on backyard ponds for free and falling through cracks in the ice. Morally superior smug assholes. We should have just made you colonies when the English offered us to you as well as the other 13 after the Revolutionary War. You're welcome for your pseudo-independence. Even if you still have another country's monarchy on your money. What's your Prime Minister's job again? Learn to pronounce the letter O, you hoser. And bring me a motherfucking moose!
And then to make it worse, you've got the French... and well, do I really need to explain why FUCK YOU, FRANCE! is pretty much the perfect response to anything about the French? Oh, let me guess, you weren't listening because you were too busy covering your garlic and body odor smell with shitty perfume on even men, while making love to your own faces and pretending you're better than everyone else, right, you wine-swilling cheese-eating surrender monkey? And thanks for Vietnam, you cowards. Hey, do we all know the first rule of French warfare? You only win when you don't have a Frenchman commanding you. Wanna know the second? Let the Americans handle it. The only warriors you have that you can be proud of is the Foreign Legion. And none of them are actually Frenchmen! Hey Pepe Le Pew, why don't you tell your women to go shave and maybe then learn some German for the next time around, cause we know you pussies aren't gonna be fighting and we know that your Eastern neighbors like your vineyards or something, cause they keep coming to visit and not leave whenever they get too bored. The most fight you'd see out of a Frenchman would be if they cancelled Fashion Week in Paris. They'd throw down their Berets and stomp out with their nose high in the air, mostly so they can't smell themselves, and then go eat some horse meat. Frog. SPEAK THROUGH YOUR MOUTH! We can't understand you when you're talking out of your nose like usual, Claude.So yeah... the 2 most obnoxious groups of people on the planet and we decided to let them breed? Fuck, why didn't we throw in the radical queer Marxist feminists too and really make it a party? "Come one, come all, and see the most annoying show on earth! They'll talk down to you! They'll mumble in a foreign language! They'll make constant and ever-increasing ridiculous and contradictory demands, while being hypocritical and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way. Like children. While smoking and not bathing or grooming and using made up words or words that don't make any sense with their actual definition in the English language! It's a show that you can't dare miss! You'll never ever see someone as morally superior and haughty in your life!"
I mean... hey... they only good thing that ever came out of that menagerie of atrociousness was Mario Lemieux, and he doesn't even live in fucking Canada anymore.
So how about this... we'll take all those hot girl that drive buses and mop floors and strip and hook from Montreal (seriously, it's like this weird hotbed of hot girls. And slutty hot girls, too! So many so that they're even doing menial jobs that no hot American girl would do) and spend a lot of time and money to wipe away that fucking nasal accent. Hell, I'll settle for Jenny & Cathy Poussin alone. And then we can just wipe the rest of you off the map, ok Jacques? Can we localize a zombie apocalypse in just Quebec and then find a way to keep it from spreading outside of there? Then at least we can get some good reality TV out of watching the few Frenchmen that aren't total pansies try to fight for survival. As long as the zombie isn't named Klaus. Because if that's the case, the only fight will be to see how quickly he can pull that white surrender flag out of his back pocket. Hey Pierre, zombies don't actually accept surrender!I have no idea what prompted this, but just kinda couldn't hold it in. But hey... I was bored and I haven't gone on a good rant about any particular group of people in a while. So enjoy.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Because You Demanded It - RTOTD #793
Day 793
So I've decided to let my hair grow again. I'm kinda getting that itch to have long hair again. I know a number of you ladies are already squeeing "yay!" in anticipation. You've been asking me for like 2 years now when I was going to let it grow back. Now you have an answer.
Just figured I should let you know. Give you something to be excited for on an otherwise dreary day. Well, in another year or 2 when it's down past my shoulders again and you're always asking if you can play with it.
You're welcome.
But I think it's also time that the beard becomes less... fuzzy.
And yes, I'm still suffering some severe writers block/lack of motivation on pretty much any topic. Hence, you're being subjected to me rambling about changes to my personal grooming.
Oh... and thanks to those of you that came out for HATE Weekend. This might just have to become the new standard practice. With us turning it into a weekend-long event instead of just a simple party. I'm kinda loving the HATE theme, but we need to see more hate at HATE.
To be honest, I might want to consider doing something slightly even bigger with HATE next year, and I kinda want some opinions and input on it, as well as checking the interest level.
So here's kinda my basic "I just came up with this and haven't fleshed out a single detail yet" outline for the future of HATE. I kinda want to make it into a thing. Not just a house play party. I'm thinking at a venue. I know a couple venue owners/managers that might be open to the idea, but I haven't approached them yet.
I also know and know of a handful of DJs and bands that might be interested as well. But again, I haven't talked to them.
I was thinking a 2-night thing with an option for something during the day. I don't know yet what the something should be though. The thing is, if it's an event at a place with things and entertainment, it might need to turn into a "pay for it" event instead of a "help me keep my liquor cabinet and beer fridge stocked so bring booze or snacks" event. And I don't know if that'll turn people off from it or not.
As for what to do during the day... that's where I'm really fucking stuck. Classes are... meh. Every event has classes to some degree, I guess. But unless they're limited to some niche serious-pain-inflicting thing, I think classes for a thing like HATE might be kinda fucking dumb. I also know that some of my ideas for other types of classes that are more like panel discussions and Q&A stuff for artists/musicians/artisans/etc doesn't fit the theme either. At all. That's something I want to do for some other kind of thing that's more geared towards a mix of Comic-Con meets Shibaricon, only on like 1/10 the scale. If even that.
Maybe just classes on how to go full-on psychological warfare mode on your play partner might be fitting for something like HATE? Or nothing but really sadistic shit? Topics that scream "I kinda might wanna kill you right now" because we all have that line between love/hate with our significant others and it could be an excuse to let out some of that pent up aggression.
I don't know. I'm just throwing shit at the wall right now and seeing if anything sticks. I don't even know how committed I am to even doing that. I guess that depends on response though.
My normal philosophy when it comes to throwing any sort of party is to just throw the party that I want to attend and fuck everyone elses opinions. And it's worked out pretty well so far, right? Other than idiots that somtimes hit other peoples cars. But that's only been twice and thankfully, nothing fucked up (that I know about) happened on Friday. But for some reason, with this one... I just can't quite figure out what it's missing. I know there's a missing element here, but I just don't know what it is. So that's my question for you...
What would a HATE theme event be in your head? What would it look like? What is missing that takes it into some next-level shit territory besides the obvious? What is something that you've seen at something else that just screams to you "hey, we should do this at a HATE party"?
So yeah... that's all I got today. Back to the word mines. I am making virtually zero progress on the 2nd book right now. I have the stories that I want to tell in it... well, most of them anyway... but I'm just not really getting in that zone for writing that makes the words flow and the jokes work just right.
Maybe I'm just lacking the ability to really engage my brain box entirely right now. It would explain why I can't figure out what the fuck the daytime portion of a HATE event would look like as well as my pseudo-writersblock all at once. Fuck it. I'm gonna go read a book or something. Or maybe even actually do work... at work.
So I've decided to let my hair grow again. I'm kinda getting that itch to have long hair again. I know a number of you ladies are already squeeing "yay!" in anticipation. You've been asking me for like 2 years now when I was going to let it grow back. Now you have an answer.
Just figured I should let you know. Give you something to be excited for on an otherwise dreary day. Well, in another year or 2 when it's down past my shoulders again and you're always asking if you can play with it. You're welcome.
But I think it's also time that the beard becomes less... fuzzy.
And yes, I'm still suffering some severe writers block/lack of motivation on pretty much any topic. Hence, you're being subjected to me rambling about changes to my personal grooming.
Oh... and thanks to those of you that came out for HATE Weekend. This might just have to become the new standard practice. With us turning it into a weekend-long event instead of just a simple party. I'm kinda loving the HATE theme, but we need to see more hate at HATE.
To be honest, I might want to consider doing something slightly even bigger with HATE next year, and I kinda want some opinions and input on it, as well as checking the interest level. So here's kinda my basic "I just came up with this and haven't fleshed out a single detail yet" outline for the future of HATE. I kinda want to make it into a thing. Not just a house play party. I'm thinking at a venue. I know a couple venue owners/managers that might be open to the idea, but I haven't approached them yet.
I also know and know of a handful of DJs and bands that might be interested as well. But again, I haven't talked to them. I was thinking a 2-night thing with an option for something during the day. I don't know yet what the something should be though. The thing is, if it's an event at a place with things and entertainment, it might need to turn into a "pay for it" event instead of a "help me keep my liquor cabinet and beer fridge stocked so bring booze or snacks" event. And I don't know if that'll turn people off from it or not.
As for what to do during the day... that's where I'm really fucking stuck. Classes are... meh. Every event has classes to some degree, I guess. But unless they're limited to some niche serious-pain-inflicting thing, I think classes for a thing like HATE might be kinda fucking dumb. I also know that some of my ideas for other types of classes that are more like panel discussions and Q&A stuff for artists/musicians/artisans/etc doesn't fit the theme either. At all. That's something I want to do for some other kind of thing that's more geared towards a mix of Comic-Con meets Shibaricon, only on like 1/10 the scale. If even that.
Maybe just classes on how to go full-on psychological warfare mode on your play partner might be fitting for something like HATE? Or nothing but really sadistic shit? Topics that scream "I kinda might wanna kill you right now" because we all have that line between love/hate with our significant others and it could be an excuse to let out some of that pent up aggression. I don't know. I'm just throwing shit at the wall right now and seeing if anything sticks. I don't even know how committed I am to even doing that. I guess that depends on response though.
My normal philosophy when it comes to throwing any sort of party is to just throw the party that I want to attend and fuck everyone elses opinions. And it's worked out pretty well so far, right? Other than idiots that somtimes hit other peoples cars. But that's only been twice and thankfully, nothing fucked up (that I know about) happened on Friday. But for some reason, with this one... I just can't quite figure out what it's missing. I know there's a missing element here, but I just don't know what it is. So that's my question for you...
What would a HATE theme event be in your head? What would it look like? What is missing that takes it into some next-level shit territory besides the obvious? What is something that you've seen at something else that just screams to you "hey, we should do this at a HATE party"?
So yeah... that's all I got today. Back to the word mines. I am making virtually zero progress on the 2nd book right now. I have the stories that I want to tell in it... well, most of them anyway... but I'm just not really getting in that zone for writing that makes the words flow and the jokes work just right.Maybe I'm just lacking the ability to really engage my brain box entirely right now. It would explain why I can't figure out what the fuck the daytime portion of a HATE event would look like as well as my pseudo-writersblock all at once. Fuck it. I'm gonna go read a book or something. Or maybe even actually do work... at work.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
My Valentine's Day Message To You All - RTOTD #792
Day 792
Someone bring me the head of Hallmark's CEO!
And to those of you that hate this day... just remember:
So that might make you feel better. (Credit to Warren Ellis)
And a reminder to everyone getting a little piece tonight after you spend way too much bloody money on dinner and flowers and a present. Never go Ass-to-Pussy. Always go Pussy-To-Ass or Ass-To-Mouth. Or just keep some hand sanitizer next to the bed.
Keep it romantic. Anal is totally romantic, right? RIGHT?
Someone bring me the head of Hallmark's CEO!
And to those of you that hate this day... just remember:
So that might make you feel better. (Credit to Warren Ellis)
And a reminder to everyone getting a little piece tonight after you spend way too much bloody money on dinner and flowers and a present. Never go Ass-to-Pussy. Always go Pussy-To-Ass or Ass-To-Mouth. Or just keep some hand sanitizer next to the bed.
Keep it romantic. Anal is totally romantic, right? RIGHT?
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Bored - RTOTD #791
Day 791
Fet has become so boring for me that I don't even know why I check it most days.
Honestly... there's very little here that I care to look at. There's far more activity on Twitter with people I actually talk to and hang out with. There's better porn on Tumblr. And I won't even get into the writings. It's either verbose erotica that bores the crap out of me, or it's ranty-rants about policies, drama, or 101 bullshit.
Really... it's just boring. And none of you motherfuckers are entertaining me. I can't always be the one doing the entertaining. It's your god damned turn!
Though this is probably just my own personal expression of SAD. Around this time each year, some people seem to like to start shit with people and create drama. Others seem to like to go on ranty diatribes about preposterous bullshit that isn't even funny or throw a temper tantrum about some perceived injustice. I, on the other hand, get bored and find little to no inspiration to write, while also being disinterested with most things on Fet.
Maybe I just need to look for better inspiration elsewhere? I don't know.
So I'm gonna just state a bunch of stuff that some people might get pissed about and others will be amused by and most everyone else will go "oh... meh" and ignore because it's as boring as everything ELSE around here. Plus, I don't feel like being super interesting today.
1. Susan Rice kinda looks like a mouse. Yes, the US Ambassador. She totally looks like that mouse from one of those animated movies. I think Stuart Little, but I don't feel like looking it up. In fact, she kinda looks like she has whiskers.
2. People that use sockpuppet accounts are childish pussies hiding in their mom's basement with massive inferiority complexes desperately seeking relevance by throwing temper tantrums.
3. I don't give a fuck if Shit, Incest, or any of that other crap is now banned from Fet. And I have no idea why people are throwing a tantrum about it. Oh, what's that? Don't like Visa's policies? I still bet you have a Visa in your wallet. Jesus christ, children... settle the fuck down. 4 things that violate obscenity laws in the country where most of the members are and where the banks are almost all centrally located are out. Give it up with your "bunch of Nazis" and "when will MY fetish be blacklisted as well" crap. Settle the fuck down and just deal with it. You do know that IRC is still around for your weird kinks, right? Go there. And please take the Furries with you? Please?
4. You people do know that when you find a way around possible new regulations and laws, you're not actually supposed to go straight to the press with it, right? Cause I just saw an article about how 3D printing is the way to get around any bans on the sale of "high-capacity magazines" for rifles. I wanna know how long before 3D printing of machine guns is the wave of the future. Cause I kinda wanna see if they can 3D print me up a motherfucking jetpack. WHERE'S MY FUCKING JETPACK! The science fiction future that we're living in says I get a god damned jet pack and I want it.
5. Hey @Diotima... some broad just died from drinking too much coke every day. Might wanna cut down on your "multiple 2-liter bottles per day" diet coke habit. Just a public service announcement.
6. Every joke that could be made about what you're giving up for Lent has been made. I'm giving up bad, recycled, and not-very-innovative Lent jokes. You're welcome. I think just about all of the rest of you should do this as well. They're just old now. But zombie jesus Easter jokes? Never get old. Same with fart jokes.
7. In case none of you bothered to look... @Artemis_Fallen's birthday party has been slightly changed. It's now a Masquerade party instead of a "just wear whatever the fuck you want" party.
8. I really kind of hate you all.
9. ENTERTAIN ME, YOU LAZY PUSSIES!
10. I am on an old-school, horrible movie kick right now. I just re-watched "RAD" and "Gleaming The Cube". I kinda wanna watch the original Super Mario Brothers movie and The Wizard... but that's mostly because I am apparently also on an old-school video game kick.
While I'm at it, I kinda wanna see what would happen if you stuck these kids that play 47 hours a day of Call Of Duty at an 8-bit nintendo system and gave them duck hunt or the original Super Mario Brothers. Maybe Contra. I'd love to see them so confused on how to beat things.
I really think that the only thing that got me thinking about this is that the Super Mario Brothers theme is now my phone's text message alert tone. I also wanna re-watch The Avengers because I made Shoot To Thrill my ringtone the other day. I'm apparently very affected by hearing certain noises.
Fet has become so boring for me that I don't even know why I check it most days.
Honestly... there's very little here that I care to look at. There's far more activity on Twitter with people I actually talk to and hang out with. There's better porn on Tumblr. And I won't even get into the writings. It's either verbose erotica that bores the crap out of me, or it's ranty-rants about policies, drama, or 101 bullshit.
Really... it's just boring. And none of you motherfuckers are entertaining me. I can't always be the one doing the entertaining. It's your god damned turn!Though this is probably just my own personal expression of SAD. Around this time each year, some people seem to like to start shit with people and create drama. Others seem to like to go on ranty diatribes about preposterous bullshit that isn't even funny or throw a temper tantrum about some perceived injustice. I, on the other hand, get bored and find little to no inspiration to write, while also being disinterested with most things on Fet.
Maybe I just need to look for better inspiration elsewhere? I don't know.
So I'm gonna just state a bunch of stuff that some people might get pissed about and others will be amused by and most everyone else will go "oh... meh" and ignore because it's as boring as everything ELSE around here. Plus, I don't feel like being super interesting today.
1. Susan Rice kinda looks like a mouse. Yes, the US Ambassador. She totally looks like that mouse from one of those animated movies. I think Stuart Little, but I don't feel like looking it up. In fact, she kinda looks like she has whiskers.2. People that use sockpuppet accounts are childish pussies hiding in their mom's basement with massive inferiority complexes desperately seeking relevance by throwing temper tantrums.
3. I don't give a fuck if Shit, Incest, or any of that other crap is now banned from Fet. And I have no idea why people are throwing a tantrum about it. Oh, what's that? Don't like Visa's policies? I still bet you have a Visa in your wallet. Jesus christ, children... settle the fuck down. 4 things that violate obscenity laws in the country where most of the members are and where the banks are almost all centrally located are out. Give it up with your "bunch of Nazis" and "when will MY fetish be blacklisted as well" crap. Settle the fuck down and just deal with it. You do know that IRC is still around for your weird kinks, right? Go there. And please take the Furries with you? Please?
4. You people do know that when you find a way around possible new regulations and laws, you're not actually supposed to go straight to the press with it, right? Cause I just saw an article about how 3D printing is the way to get around any bans on the sale of "high-capacity magazines" for rifles. I wanna know how long before 3D printing of machine guns is the wave of the future. Cause I kinda wanna see if they can 3D print me up a motherfucking jetpack. WHERE'S MY FUCKING JETPACK! The science fiction future that we're living in says I get a god damned jet pack and I want it.
5. Hey @Diotima... some broad just died from drinking too much coke every day. Might wanna cut down on your "multiple 2-liter bottles per day" diet coke habit. Just a public service announcement.
6. Every joke that could be made about what you're giving up for Lent has been made. I'm giving up bad, recycled, and not-very-innovative Lent jokes. You're welcome. I think just about all of the rest of you should do this as well. They're just old now. But zombie jesus Easter jokes? Never get old. Same with fart jokes. 7. In case none of you bothered to look... @Artemis_Fallen's birthday party has been slightly changed. It's now a Masquerade party instead of a "just wear whatever the fuck you want" party.
8. I really kind of hate you all.
9. ENTERTAIN ME, YOU LAZY PUSSIES!10. I am on an old-school, horrible movie kick right now. I just re-watched "RAD" and "Gleaming The Cube". I kinda wanna watch the original Super Mario Brothers movie and The Wizard... but that's mostly because I am apparently also on an old-school video game kick.
While I'm at it, I kinda wanna see what would happen if you stuck these kids that play 47 hours a day of Call Of Duty at an 8-bit nintendo system and gave them duck hunt or the original Super Mario Brothers. Maybe Contra. I'd love to see them so confused on how to beat things.
I really think that the only thing that got me thinking about this is that the Super Mario Brothers theme is now my phone's text message alert tone. I also wanna re-watch The Avengers because I made Shoot To Thrill my ringtone the other day. I'm apparently very affected by hearing certain noises.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Replaceable - RTOTD #790.1
Day 790.1
I don't know exactly what prompted me to remember this, but it's kind of a combination of a story and question for you all.
Many years ago, I was dating this girl when I first got Bailey. I had wanted to get a dog for years. I hadn't had one since I was a kid and really missed having a dog. I actually think I kept a couple friends through the years that I hadn't even really like all that much just because I really liked their dogs. So I was kind of ecstatic to get Bailey.
A month or 2 later, I broke up with her. She was kind of a mess anyway, sweet girl, just far too high maintenance for my ability to deal with. And to be honest, I hadn't really been all that into her for the entire time we were dating. She was sweet and all, and enthusiastic in bed, but we didn't have much in common and while I feel a little bad about it now, the whole relationship was really just kinda something to keep me occupied.
Yes, I've gotten into relationships just because I was bored.
So when I got my dog and I broke up with her, she actually blamed my dog. She had kinda resented the dog from the first time I brought him home. Granted, I hadn't told her I was getting a dog before-hand, but fuck it. That wasn't her business. And it wasn't like we were living together or anything.
But she actually blamed the dog for me dumping her. She said that he was a replacement for her. She knew she was needy and that (and I don't mean physically... I mean emotionally high-maintenance) and that getting Bailey was foreshadowing of me dumping her.
So I have to ask ... have YOU ever thought that you had been replaced with a pet? Have you ever blamed the dog for getting dumped?
And no, if you fart a lot and always blame the dog, but get dumped for being a farter... It doesn't count.
I think I also replaced another girl with a new car one time. But that one? That one I did purposefully.
 |
| Baby Bailey! |
Many years ago, I was dating this girl when I first got Bailey. I had wanted to get a dog for years. I hadn't had one since I was a kid and really missed having a dog. I actually think I kept a couple friends through the years that I hadn't even really like all that much just because I really liked their dogs. So I was kind of ecstatic to get Bailey.
A month or 2 later, I broke up with her. She was kind of a mess anyway, sweet girl, just far too high maintenance for my ability to deal with. And to be honest, I hadn't really been all that into her for the entire time we were dating. She was sweet and all, and enthusiastic in bed, but we didn't have much in common and while I feel a little bad about it now, the whole relationship was really just kinda something to keep me occupied. Yes, I've gotten into relationships just because I was bored.
So when I got my dog and I broke up with her, she actually blamed my dog. She had kinda resented the dog from the first time I brought him home. Granted, I hadn't told her I was getting a dog before-hand, but fuck it. That wasn't her business. And it wasn't like we were living together or anything.
But she actually blamed the dog for me dumping her. She said that he was a replacement for her. She knew she was needy and that (and I don't mean physically... I mean emotionally high-maintenance) and that getting Bailey was foreshadowing of me dumping her.
So I have to ask ... have YOU ever thought that you had been replaced with a pet? Have you ever blamed the dog for getting dumped? And no, if you fart a lot and always blame the dog, but get dumped for being a farter... It doesn't count.
I think I also replaced another girl with a new car one time. But that one? That one I did purposefully.
I Call Bullshit! - RTOTD #790
Day 790
So.... the Pope is quitting. Or is he just giving it up for Lent?
Or maybe he's retiring to take up the title of Sith Lord.
But in a stunning development, I will gladly accept any given nomination to be the replacement Pope.
So feel free to cast those replacement Pope ballots! Because you know Pope Joe would be fucking awesome!
So.... the Pope is quitting. Or is he just giving it up for Lent?Or maybe he's retiring to take up the title of Sith Lord.
But in a stunning development, I will gladly accept any given nomination to be the replacement Pope.
So feel free to cast those replacement Pope ballots! Because you know Pope Joe would be fucking awesome!
Friday, February 8, 2013
This Is A Real Thing - RTOTD #789
Day 789
This is actually a thing.
Konstant Kittens
Because what the world needed was more motherfucking cats that are going to either get put down or to further the degeneration of society into "cats as the common family pet" instead of "dogs are the normal family pet".
This is illustrative of the change in our culture away from pets that actually require tending to, towards an animal that kinda fucking hates you but still depends on you WHILE being resentful of you. Mostly due to the growing self-absorbed nature of Americans. And we REALLY needed to fucking nurture more of that shit, didn't we?
Either that... or we're letting some people enjoy the kitten part of cats (the only time when they're even moderately tolerable) while also providing more cats for the growing "crazy cat lady" population. Or the growing "need a kitten to make an internet meme" population.
I mean... where else are we going to find more cats to replace those that are found dead under a pile of junk in an episode of Hoarders? Show me one episode where they found a dead dog? There was 1 episode with someone that hoarded dogs. But they also hoarded cats and something else too.
I cry for our culture sometimes. We were just plain better people when we were "dog people" than we are as "cat people".
And before all you cat people come defending your spiteful ball of fluff that poops in the corner and pees on everything and fills your house with ammonia smell... just go fuck yourself and get a dog. You'll be a happier person. Because even when a dog pisses you off or annoys you, it's because they actually LIKE you and want your attention. Instead of your cat, who just wants you to feed it and change it's litter box and then go fuck right off.
I'm going to get so many pissed off people because of this. It's going to be great.
This is actually a thing. Konstant Kittens
Because what the world needed was more motherfucking cats that are going to either get put down or to further the degeneration of society into "cats as the common family pet" instead of "dogs are the normal family pet".
This is illustrative of the change in our culture away from pets that actually require tending to, towards an animal that kinda fucking hates you but still depends on you WHILE being resentful of you. Mostly due to the growing self-absorbed nature of Americans. And we REALLY needed to fucking nurture more of that shit, didn't we? Either that... or we're letting some people enjoy the kitten part of cats (the only time when they're even moderately tolerable) while also providing more cats for the growing "crazy cat lady" population. Or the growing "need a kitten to make an internet meme" population.
I mean... where else are we going to find more cats to replace those that are found dead under a pile of junk in an episode of Hoarders? Show me one episode where they found a dead dog? There was 1 episode with someone that hoarded dogs. But they also hoarded cats and something else too.
I cry for our culture sometimes. We were just plain better people when we were "dog people" than we are as "cat people". And before all you cat people come defending your spiteful ball of fluff that poops in the corner and pees on everything and fills your house with ammonia smell... just go fuck yourself and get a dog. You'll be a happier person. Because even when a dog pisses you off or annoys you, it's because they actually LIKE you and want your attention. Instead of your cat, who just wants you to feed it and change it's litter box and then go fuck right off.
I'm going to get so many pissed off people because of this. It's going to be great.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Remember Your Wikipedia Voice, Children - RTOTD #788
Day 788
So I was reading that clusterfuck last night, and I couldn't help but read it in the voice of the "Sunday, SUNDAY, Sunday" monster-truck-rally guy voice from the commercials. Was I the only one that did that? Or the only one that found it hilarious to do so?
If you haven't done it yet... just take a moment and imagine it. Come on. It's kinda awesome.
On an entirely unrelated note... well maybe tangentially related... kinda... but only if you read last night's Point 1 edition... whatever. Ok, so regardless. I was thinking about my Internet Bullhorn idea. How would it work? What would it look like in practice.
And then it hit me. With a bullhorn, you can be louder than someone else to get attention. So in intertronland, we just substitute ALL-CAPS for yelling, right? Well, the thing is, all-caps just makes YOUR text most noticeable and draws some minor additional attention.
But it's not really LOUDER. So how do we make it louder? Oh, that's right. We make the font bigger, right? That's a lot louder than the normal internet speaking volume.
But we have one final obstacle to conquer. Bullhorns let you talk over people. It lets you drown them out if you want. It also forces people that aren't even in the conversation to hear you... soooooo... how do we do that?
I'm thinking that this might be a question that requires 2 steps to solve. First, it would have to make your text big and bold and all-caps, but it would also have to make it spread over top of the voice that you're drowning out. Therefore, it would have to cover their text to do so. Otherwise, people could still hear them. And you can't be drowning someone out if other people can still hear them, right?
And to solve the 2nd half of the problem, it should "push" your big loud message into the feeds of other random people within a designated proximity. Covering the things that other random people are saying that aren't even in the conversation Maybe anyone that's logged on at that moment and lives within X-miles of your selected location? And it just graffiti their wall up for a few moments before fading away.
There you have it. There's my idea of the world's first Internet Bullhorn. Because we need the intarwubz to be an accurate replacement for real-life. Right? And THIS just doesn't quite work
So... does anyone want to code it and then install it into FetLife or just my browser and then only give access to it to me? well, I guess John Baku could have one too. It is his sandbox, after all. So I will grudgingly give him an internet bullhorn too. But I definitely need to be the only asshole with one around here. I'm the only one with anything interesting enough to say.
Also... I think we need to establish "inside the internet" voices as well as our "Wikipedia voices" so we're always at the appropriate volume to imitate real-life. But that's because I'm maybe a little bit crazy.
So I was reading that clusterfuck last night, and I couldn't help but read it in the voice of the "Sunday, SUNDAY, Sunday" monster-truck-rally guy voice from the commercials. Was I the only one that did that? Or the only one that found it hilarious to do so?
If you haven't done it yet... just take a moment and imagine it. Come on. It's kinda awesome.
On an entirely unrelated note... well maybe tangentially related... kinda... but only if you read last night's Point 1 edition... whatever. Ok, so regardless. I was thinking about my Internet Bullhorn idea. How would it work? What would it look like in practice.
And then it hit me. With a bullhorn, you can be louder than someone else to get attention. So in intertronland, we just substitute ALL-CAPS for yelling, right? Well, the thing is, all-caps just makes YOUR text most noticeable and draws some minor additional attention.
But it's not really LOUDER. So how do we make it louder? Oh, that's right. We make the font bigger, right? That's a lot louder than the normal internet speaking volume.But we have one final obstacle to conquer. Bullhorns let you talk over people. It lets you drown them out if you want. It also forces people that aren't even in the conversation to hear you... soooooo... how do we do that?
I'm thinking that this might be a question that requires 2 steps to solve. First, it would have to make your text big and bold and all-caps, but it would also have to make it spread over top of the voice that you're drowning out. Therefore, it would have to cover their text to do so. Otherwise, people could still hear them. And you can't be drowning someone out if other people can still hear them, right?
And to solve the 2nd half of the problem, it should "push" your big loud message into the feeds of other random people within a designated proximity. Covering the things that other random people are saying that aren't even in the conversation Maybe anyone that's logged on at that moment and lives within X-miles of your selected location? And it just graffiti their wall up for a few moments before fading away.
There you have it. There's my idea of the world's first Internet Bullhorn. Because we need the intarwubz to be an accurate replacement for real-life. Right? And THIS just doesn't quite work
So... does anyone want to code it and then install it into FetLife or just my browser and then only give access to it to me? well, I guess John Baku could have one too. It is his sandbox, after all. So I will grudgingly give him an internet bullhorn too. But I definitely need to be the only asshole with one around here. I'm the only one with anything interesting enough to say.
Also... I think we need to establish "inside the internet" voices as well as our "Wikipedia voices" so we're always at the appropriate volume to imitate real-life. But that's because I'm maybe a little bit crazy.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Utility Belt - RTOTD#787
Day 787
So when is the last time Batman actually USED his utility belt? Except for some bat-arangs that I don't know how they fit in there, and that grappling hook gun.
In fact, what the fuck do ANY superheroes keep in all the pouches and pockets they have on their costume? I mean, you MIGHT need like 1 pocket for a couple bucks and a pack of smokes, but you're a costumed hero... You sure as fuck don't have your ID or credit cards. I don't think Citi Bank will issue a card for "Spider-Man". Well, maybe. Maybe that explains the Wall Street collapse? The Avengers and FF and X-Men decided "fuck it... We're done paying our credit card bills. What are they gonna do? Sue us?"
I would totally have grenades in my utility belt. And a flask. And some cigars & a lighter. Maybe my phone? But I think with my luck, one punch from a rampaging hulk and even Gorilla Glass won't stand up to that.
So seriously... What the fuck does Batman have in there? Even superman has a couple pockets on his belt. So unless he's folding up his Clark Kent clothes like super small in a vacuum bag, I don't see what the fuck Superman needs a single pocket for...
Ok... Comic rant over.
So when is the last time Batman actually USED his utility belt? Except for some bat-arangs that I don't know how they fit in there, and that grappling hook gun.
In fact, what the fuck do ANY superheroes keep in all the pouches and pockets they have on their costume? I mean, you MIGHT need like 1 pocket for a couple bucks and a pack of smokes, but you're a costumed hero... You sure as fuck don't have your ID or credit cards. I don't think Citi Bank will issue a card for "Spider-Man". Well, maybe. Maybe that explains the Wall Street collapse? The Avengers and FF and X-Men decided "fuck it... We're done paying our credit card bills. What are they gonna do? Sue us?"
I would totally have grenades in my utility belt. And a flask. And some cigars & a lighter. Maybe my phone? But I think with my luck, one punch from a rampaging hulk and even Gorilla Glass won't stand up to that.
So seriously... What the fuck does Batman have in there? Even superman has a couple pockets on his belt. So unless he's folding up his Clark Kent clothes like super small in a vacuum bag, I don't see what the fuck Superman needs a single pocket for...
Ok... Comic rant over.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Kinky Mad Libs - RTOTD #786
Day 786
So here's the actual post. Don't fucking cheat. I'm putting it all in 1 post this time. For those linking into this up from Tumblr, Facebook, or Twitter... I'm going to add the Selections section at the top. Then I'll leave a gap for the "Fill In The Blank" section below that.
1. Thing you can buy
2. Adjective
3. Activity
Post your completed version in the comments section.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was sitting at home watching TV one day when a commercial for ______1______ came across the screen. I was intrigued. It seemed really _____2_______ . I sat there and watched for a moment, before all of a sudden an idea popped into my head for how I could use it to ______3______ when I had my girl tied up. It was brilliant. Because, you know... fuck yeah, pervertables! And pervertables from infomercials too? I mean... the "As Seen On TV" store could become the next big thing in kinky toy vending!
When it arrived, I was ______5______ . It was everything I expected it to be and more. Plus, hey... if I could find a way to dual-wield that and my bullhorn, I'd make a fucking spectacle of myself. And you all know how much I love to revel in my ______6______ . Because the spotlight is fucking killer.
Walking into a play party that weekend, I was _____7_______ with anticipation. I couldn't wait. We got set up pretty quickly and I started unpacking the toybag. My new toy, a bullhorn, sandpaper, a half-filled flask of Everclear, rope, and an assortment of beating instruments, one by one, were pulled from the bag and placed on a ______8______ . It was almost time.
So here's the actual post. Don't fucking cheat. I'm putting it all in 1 post this time. For those linking into this up from Tumblr, Facebook, or Twitter... I'm going to add the Selections section at the top. Then I'll leave a gap for the "Fill In The Blank" section below that.1. Thing you can buy
2. Adjective
3. Activity
4. A common phrase
5. A strong feeling or emotion
6. Mental disorder
7. A type of behavior or response
8. Stationary Object
Post your completed version in the comments section.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was sitting at home watching TV one day when a commercial for ______1______ came across the screen. I was intrigued. It seemed really _____2_______ . I sat there and watched for a moment, before all of a sudden an idea popped into my head for how I could use it to ______3______ when I had my girl tied up. It was brilliant. Because, you know... fuck yeah, pervertables! And pervertables from infomercials too? I mean... the "As Seen On TV" store could become the next big thing in kinky toy vending!
I decided that I needed to buy it. I mean, I'm all about the dual-purpose things. Even if I didn't really care about fancy phrases like "______4______ ".
When it arrived, I was ______5______ . It was everything I expected it to be and more. Plus, hey... if I could find a way to dual-wield that and my bullhorn, I'd make a fucking spectacle of myself. And you all know how much I love to revel in my ______6______ . Because the spotlight is fucking killer.Walking into a play party that weekend, I was _____7_______ with anticipation. I couldn't wait. We got set up pretty quickly and I started unpacking the toybag. My new toy, a bullhorn, sandpaper, a half-filled flask of Everclear, rope, and an assortment of beating instruments, one by one, were pulled from the bag and placed on a ______8______ . It was almost time.
Friday, February 1, 2013
I Really Am This Bored - RTOTD #785
Day 785
I'm so bored that I think I want to make a sockpuppet account on FL just to troll myself.
I've been severely lacking trolls recently, so it might jump start the trend.
Or they just all realized that I'm smarter than them and will own every insult they throw my way, plus I can be a jackass back at them with more originality than them, and eventually leave them as sniveling puddles of tears and blood.
Or just break out a bullhorn and be louder than them so I never even hear them.
So here's your lesson for the day... Bullhorns are Troll-repellent.
Or maybe I'm just really really bored. I think I'm just really really bored.
Since it's Friday, I figured we could... oh fuck it. I'm just gonna sit here and play solitare on my iPad or read a book or something. I just want to go home.
I mean... I'm bored enough that I'm not just going to fill this thing with porn just to amuse myself.
Or maybe I will...
I'm so bored that I think I want to make a sockpuppet account on FL just to troll myself. I've been severely lacking trolls recently, so it might jump start the trend.
Or they just all realized that I'm smarter than them and will own every insult they throw my way, plus I can be a jackass back at them with more originality than them, and eventually leave them as sniveling puddles of tears and blood.
Or just break out a bullhorn and be louder than them so I never even hear them.
So here's your lesson for the day... Bullhorns are Troll-repellent.
Or maybe I'm just really really bored. I think I'm just really really bored.
Since it's Friday, I figured we could... oh fuck it. I'm just gonna sit here and play solitare on my iPad or read a book or something. I just want to go home.
I mean... I'm bored enough that I'm not just going to fill this thing with porn just to amuse myself.
Or maybe I will...
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