This Option Sucks - RTOTD #819

Day 819

I'm a little lost this morning on what to do about something. I'm in the process of trying a last-straw kind of Hail Mary play to see if I can stave off a really hard decision and I really have no idea if it'll work.

The thing is, I love dogs. I really do. Dogs naturally love me and I love them. I could give a fuck less about cats. Yeah, ok... cool. Your cat might be the coolest, most dog-like cat on the planet but it still isn't a dog. Even obnoxious dogs are great animals. Even the most yippy little shit dogs are better than any cat that's ever been born. And that's what makes this so hard.

As some of you may know, we've had Little Dog at the house for about 9 or 10 months now. And during that time, she's managed to escape the dog run about a half dozen times, getting so far as 3 streets over once, gotten involved in a private little Cold War with RoomMateBaby, get into regular fights (read: get her ass handed to her by) with Regs over whatever either of them was pissed at the other about at that moment and generally been a pain in the ass.

But she's a really sweet dog. And I like her a lot.

She's 12 years old and I think she's losing some of her eyesight. She's got tumors of some sort (we're not sure if they're cancerous or not) below and possibly underneath her ribs near her sternum. She barks all the time at anything she sees outside, be it a bird or a squirrel or whatever. Because she's a Jack Russell and that's what they do. She even barks at leaves that blow across the yard because I think her eyesight is going and she thinks that they're something she should be trying to chase and catch. She freaks out at thunderstorms and is a snarly, snappy bitch when it comes to trying to get her out from under RoomMateBaby's bed because apparently even though they hate each other, it seems like under her bed is the safe place that she wants to hide. It takes special tricks to figure out how to deal with her neurotic tendencies and it sometimes feels like dealing with the emotional minefield that is well... pretty much 99% of all women on the planet... when trying to figure out the best ways to deal with this dog.

Despite all that, she's a ridiculously sweet dog. When she is being dumb or barking about nothing and I order her over to my feet when she's not in complete freak-out mode from a thunderstorm, she walks over with the sad "I'm sorry" eyes and falls on her side and shows me her belly. She jumps up on the couch and tries to perch on my shoulder and knows how to sit pretty like nobodies business. She tries to give kisses even though it was trained out of her when she was a puppy. She's affectionate and like to snuggle or just follow me around almost under my feet.

The problem is that we hit the last straw yesterday. We had thought that we had figured out a good way to deal with her for a little bit. She's fine during the night (unless there's thunder) and just crawls under my bed and sleeps there most nights. But as soon as I get up in the morning, she wants to be up and alive as well. The thing is, I get up around dawn. And she wants to go outside. Or she wants to be in the living room. And she's pissed that there's nobody there or she sees something outside or whatever and she barks her fucking head off. ENDLESSLY. Like, if you or I yelled as much in 1 day as she barks in 15 minutes, we'd be hoarse for a week. And it wakes up the rest of the house that does NOT need to be awake at 5 or 6am for work and that pisses them off. Hell, if I didn't sleep like the dead, she'd piss me off too if I were in their shoes.

So the most effective option to this point had been to leave her outside for an hour or so in the mornings when I left for work, but after today, that's no longer an option. The roomies got a knock on the door this morning from a very polite police officer to inform us that someone had complained about the barking. And while he was nice this time, I sincerely doubt he will be so if he has to come back about it.

And this is a problem now. Because I really like this dog. I might be the only one in the house that does, but she's a sweet dog if you know how to navigate her personality quirks. And I'm running out of ways to navigate them and keep the peace. I'm down to one last option and that's to leave her in the basement when I leave. I don't know if the neighbors are going to complain about even letting her outside in the morning just to go to the bathroom while I'm in the shower if she barks and then letting her in once I'm done or if it's just because she was out there for about an hour this morning that it pissed them off. So I'm going to try to kennel her in the basement when I leave every day and see if that helps. It's dark down there, like my bedroom and I have a kennel cover to cover the crate so she won't be freaking out about the bars and it might just feel more like a den to her. But that's the last option as far as I can figure out.

Otherwise, that's about it. She has nowhere else to go. The girlfriend can't have her at her place because they don't allow dogs of any type. She can't go to the girlfriend's parents place because their dog and hers turned on one another a while back and try to go for the kill whenever they're even in the same house as each other. And she doesn't have any other family that could take care of her.

So this is the last option for her. I don't know if maybe the barking is because of her age or her tumors (and/or maybe cancer) or because her eyesight is going and she's just trying to compensate for it. I really don't know. But I know that we're running out of options and going to see what the Vet suggests on Thursday to see if they can give any other ones. Or if the only option left is really the worst possible one.

I can't stand it either. I mean... fuck you Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercials and ruining my day. I don't like when I feel like I'm going to start crying at a commercial. So this last resort is like 1000 times worse if it's the only one left. She's 12 now and has been the girlfriend's dog since she was a kid. How can I not feel like complete shit even telling the girlfriend that I don't know if we can keep the dog at my house anymore, knowing that that might be the only other option for her? I don't even know if I could let her go through with it when I don't think it's what's best for the dog yet. Or am I maybe holding on too long because I think it's cruel to put an animal down before they're no longer to even control their bowels or obviously in pain?

Because it's not like you can ask someone else that's not family or a super close friend "hey, can you let my basically-geriatric, tumor-ridden, potentially partially blind, neurotic during thunderstorms, constantly barking dog come live with you until she's so sick that it's cruel to not put her to sleep? She might have a few good months or a year or so left in her."

And it's not fair to the dog to keep passing her around just because it's no longer convenient for her to live somewhere. But what other options are there? I'm just at the end of my rope trying to figure it out. I feel like even bringing it up makes me a horrible human being. Because I think she knows what I might not be able to admit yet myself. That if she can't be at my place anymore, she doesn't have anywhere else to go and she doesn't have a long time left to live anyway with her health. And that only leaves 1 option. One that seriously makes me on the verge of tears even thinking about.

Yeah, fuck you. I have a heart when it comes to dogs.

FUCK. I don't know what to do. But any way I look at it, if trying to leave her in the basement hwile I'm at work or at least in the mornings doesn't work... I'm going to feel fucking horrible. I don't even want to make this about me but I feel like this is weighing on me as if it was my own dog and I'm doing that anyway. Because that's just how I am with dogs. The Little Dog, Regs, Bailey, and even my friends dogs. I never want to see or be responsible for a dog being put to sleep before its time. And I feel like this is one of those cases where it is not yet her time. Or I just don't want it to be her time yet and feel guilty about any responsibility that I might carry for that.

I can only imagine how she feels now. Much less how she'll feel if that is the only option left.

Addicted - RTOTD #818

Day 818

My name is Joe and I'm a Plasti-Dip-A-Holic.

I'm addicted to Plasti Dip. No, seriously. I think I'm legitimately addicted to finding new things to 'Dip.

It started with my car. I hated the chrome accents on it and wanted to get rid of them. But totally de-badging my car was out of the question. I could just remove the pieces that were glued on like the 2.5 and the bunny emblem. But the VW logos on the front and rear were something I couldn't really remove and just leave off. Well, at least without buying a new grille and doing a lot of body work and mechanical work on the trunk to shave them.

So I took them off and plasti dipped them. And that satisfied me for a little bit.

But then I wanted to do more. I started doing a spare set of wheels that I have in my garage. The clear coat was shot and there was oxidation on the aluminum. The center hubs were scuffed with road rash and the rubberized coating started peeling more when I stripped the clear coat off the lips. So rather than paint them or refinish them or spend a shitload of money on getting them powder coated... PLASTI DIP! And I'm almost done with them but I need more 'dip.

This shit's like fucking crack.

And to make matter worse, I started finding things in my house to 'dip. I took off the light switch covers in my bedroom because they were ugly and dirty. I just planned to clean them but then I realized that they had been wallpapered over and then white-washed over top of that. I hated the way they looked. So I started stripping them off. I cleaned them down to bare plastic but found that they were that ugly off-white, almost a really light tan colored plastic. So I cleaned them down to the bare plastic, cleaning out all of the crevices because they were textured, and thought "maybe I'll just plasti dip these too?" and so I did.

I've got some nicks in my paint and a couple scratches that I really hate to see... maybe I'll just dip my whole car?

And then I started looking at my patio furniture. All 4 chairs and the table need painted. I bought them used for dirt cheap and other than needing a new coat of paint (and the one arm needing fixed now on one of the chairs), they were in great shape. So I'm going to plasti dip all of that too.

I'm hooked now. I look at everything and just want to plasti dip it. Car parts. Painted furniture. Hell, I contemplated plasti dipping my walls becuase I'll never need to paint them again. And it peels right off when I want to change the color back.

So I'm thinking that maybe I'm going to put my plasti dip obsession to good use. And I'm going to try to maybe do some Plasti Dip play. It's stretchy when it dries. I think I'm going to see what it looks like sprayed on the girl. I think plasti dipped outfits for kinky parties sound like a fantastic idea. It's like the next evolution of a latex fetish.

Fuck pulling latex over and trying to fight with getting it to actually go on and then using baby powder and shit. Just plasti dip.

Riggers see hard points everywhere. I am now seeing potentially plasti dipped items everywhere. It might be becoming a problem. Because I really did just suggest plasti dipping my girlfriend only a few sentences ago. So maybe this is something that I need help with.

I'm an addict & I need help.

It's Not The Greyhound... But It Might As Well Be - RTOTD #817

Day 817

I took on a half day on a Friday recently just because I needed it. I only ended up with a day and a half in my office last week but the first half of the week justified the lazy ending to the week. Over 900 miles in the car for work bullshit & a big American Express bill, sunburn over an existing semi-decent tan & driving through a motherfucking tsunami on my way home outside of Cincinnati made me feel like I kinda needed to take a lazy day on Friday.

Well, the girl & I decided that since she got discount passes to Kennywood and I haven't been there in a few years (even if Foursquare says I checked in there in April 2012), we decided that that would be the best way to spend a steamy Friday afternoon.


There is NO WAY that I'm
going to google image
search "jailbait with tattoos".

I know I talked a while ago about how surreal it was when a group of us hit up Cedar Point last summer. The biggest reason being all the fucking jailbait that were ridiculously inked up.
Apparently that's not a think that's limited to the rollercoaster capital because I saw a fuck ton of it at Kennywood. And the thing was, it seemed to be predominantly girls. I was doing my standard "I'm in an amusement park and these people are almost mall-rat interesting to observe" type people-watching and I noticed that almost every third girl, but only about 20% of the guys, had very obvious "It's going to be hard to get a job" ink and probably 1/2 of each of those groups had some quite-heavily done "I'll never have a real job" ink done.

Now, maybe it was because the girls had already had already taken their requisite high school career aptitude tests and most of them scored really high in the stripper/porn-star/cam-whore/etc category and have already decided their career paths. And while I applaud them for foresight, determination, and their focus on doing their best to be prepared for the requirements of their chosen vocations, I think it might be presumptuous to go all-in on the permanent changes before they have even finished training for it. There might be a glut of strippers coming out of school and crowd out all but the best and most dedicated when it comes time to find a job. I mean, look at lawyers. They come out of law school anymore and the closest thing they get to a law office is when they're delivering late-night pizzas. So you can see that the other professions that get lumped into the "General Whoring" category seem to have a glut of qualified applicants. These girls might get done with whatever it is that trains you for stripping or cam whoring... oh wait, I think that's daddy issues and a self-worth entirely built on the approval of others... well whatever it is, they might get done with it and find that just like their lawyer brethren, there's just no jobs because of how many other qualified whores there are. And what are they left with? A great whoring resume and no whoring jobs. Guess it's off to find a job at the GAP or something.

And the fucking guys were just as bad. Granted, there were fewer of them for some reason, but "pretty backup dancer in a music video" or "rebel skateboarder kid in skinny jeans #2" or "X-Games competitor" or "guy that wants to be confused for the drummer for Blink 182" seems to also have far more applicants than vacant positions at this point as well. But I think that most of these guys might have also jumped the gun on trying to be as prepared as possible for work in the "General Whoring" industry. There's just not any jobs for you. And while it's an even quicker growing field for boys than it is girls, it's also a LOT smaller to begin with and won't even catch up to the positions open for girls anytime soon.

So maybe there's an alternative for both the boys and girls that seem like they might not get lucky enough to get jobs in the General Whoring industry anytime soon. You can join up with the 3rd group of people that I've seemed to have a tendency of running into the past few times I've been at an amusement park:

White Trash

Granted, it's been predominantly of the " 40-something men with straight-up mullets of the business-in-the-front-1987-party-in-the-back variety" but there just might be some vacancies for you. I've been going to amusement parks for years, and if I know anything at all, it's that amusement parks are TOTALLY 100% representative of the populace in general. So if I see too much of something when I'm at an amusement park, I can guarantee that there's too much of something in the world. And if I see too little of something, I can place someone else's money on a bet that there's not enough of that in the world. And what the world is missing right now is enough people that are trying to look like the guys in Dokken or Poison!

I have been watching for years and the number of White Trash has been dwindling. I only saw 7 Shawn Michaels circa 1990 haircuts. And using my scientific method, that would make the White Trash almost an endangered species. Or a profession that is woefully understaffed. I'm losing track of my metaphor here. Whatever.

But with all of your "I'll never have a job that doesn't change work-hours on a weekly basis" tattoos and even those of you that have opted for the more extreme "I've probably cost more tax revenue in my jail time than I ever actually produced from being employed" ink on your neck and face, well... you're all perfectly suited for the White Trash profession! There's plenty of available positions. Like all skilled (or unskilled? I have no idea..) trades, there's just too many people that don't think it's a "glamorous" enough job for them. They want something where things like "spitting chew spit in the garbage can" might be considered "inappropriate". HA! You'll show them, right? You couldn't even get a job in the field that you always aimed for when all the positions were filled in General Whoring, and you still managed to find something that you're totally great at in White Trash! So rub their nose in it!

And just remember... your education and preparation for a certain field of expertise only shows others that you have the ability and desire to learn. You showed how much you wanted to get into General Whoring but the White Trash industry took notice and you can show exactly how much your skills translate. And anything else, well... you're dedicated! You'll succeed. Even if it's a fall-back career.

And on an entirely related subject... YES... I'm still horribly perturbed by the amount of jailbait that are getting tattoos. While I'm all for inked up girls... just... NO! I liked when I could use "does she have ink" as a good barometer for if she was legal. Apparently you can't even do that now. Fucking christ.

Even More Promo Stuff - RTOTD #816.1

Day 816.1

And since I'm in the mood to pimp good quality products that friends make (which reminds me: I'm gonna hold you all to helping with promo stuff when the 2nd book come out!)... But since I'm in the mood to whore my blog for friends today that make quality products, you all need to check out Lord Alexander Rose's leather goods Etsy store too. 

LAR's Leather Shop

He makes some exceptional toys, my friends & readers. If you're in the market for some handmade leather goods from corsets to floggers to cbt toys to well, pretty much fucking anything you can make out of leather, he's your man. He does all custom work & it's high quality that will last for a good long time. So check him out. 

Heroes & High Heels - RTOTD #816

Day 816

So in case you haven't heard/seen it yet, my roomies have started an Etsy store. And for all the girls reading this that have a geeky side, this might just be something for you. They're making comic book shoes (specializing in high heels) custom made for each order. They take character, title, or even issue requests and have the whole breakdown here. And the prices vary depending on which options you pick.

So... if you're a girl or are dating a girl or like to dress as a girl or whatever... and have a geeky side that you think you might wanna show off with a pair of Avengers or X-Men or Justice League or Green Lantern Corps heels? Seriously... take a look. They do awesome work. And the shoes are suitable for regular daily wear and not just as some kind of decorative piece.

Here's the link and I'll be putting it in my side-bar as well if I can get a widget for there.

Heroes & Heels

And if you ask really nice, they might be willing to accomodate artist requests if you're a big fan of one particular artist. A lot of the cost for this is in materials since they use actual comic pages for the shoes.

So check them out. And even if you're not interested, pass the info along to your friends that might be.

Just Turn Out The Lights & Exit To The Right - RTOTD #815

Day 815

Cleveland... I lived in you for a little while about a decade ago and while I didn't entirely hate you, I didn't like you very much either. But you really need to go back to bed because I think you might be a little drunk.

I wrote a blog post a little while back about how there must be something in the water up there that makes people go crazy. After the past few years, I am certain of it.

I could go back as far as the Torso Murderer and a few other crazies but just in the past few years, you had that Alt.com serial killer and the creepy fuck that kidnapped those girls and kept them chained up in his house (not in the fun way) for like a decade until that dude was outside eating his magical lucky Big Mac and happened to stumble across them and call the cops. And then today... I checked the news and oh look... another god damned serial killer in Cleveland that killed women.

There's just gotta be something in the water. I know that I felt it maybe a little before I moved out of there and kinda started losing my goddamned mind. Probably took me another year or 2 being away from that place before I started coming back to some semblance of sanity. And the craziest bitch I ever stuck my dick in was from there too. In fact, outside of about 2 people I met while I was there, there wasn't much sanity that I found in that city.

I really think this might be justification for firebombing that city into oblivion. Because it's now reached the point of being endemic of the region. Crazy motherfuckers everywhere. Between that and the Browns and just generally your history of sports loserdom, I really do think you've lost any justifiable rights to remain in existence.

So please, exit to the right and go find a new city. The City of Cleveland has been condemned. It's going to be knocked down next week and then after the scrap is salvaged, we'll just let the Earth reclaim it. Cause ya'll motherfuckers hate women up there. With every one of these crazy fucks, women are the victims. And while I think most of the feminists out there are batshit fucking crazy, how are they NOT screaming for heads to roll up there? Cause I think Cleveland DOES have a war against women going on.

STOP! BanHammer Time! - #814

Day 814

I hope you got a sufficient MC Hammer pants mental image there. Giggle at it. I'll wait.

 

More after the jump...

Future Imperfect... No, Not The One With A Bearded HULK Ruling The World - #813

Day 813

Did you get that reference? It was amusing to me at least. Shut up.

I'm feeling fucking old. I looked online today and found out that motherfucking Chuck Taylors... yeah. Converse All-Stars... now run a bare-minimum of $55 for the regular hightops unless there's a sale. $55 fucking dollars? For some canvas kicks with a flat rubber sole, zero arch support, ankle support akin to wrapping your ankle in single-ply toilet paper, and all the traction of a pile of wet leaves? I used to buy those things for $15-20 when I was in highscool not even 15 years ago!

Are you fucking kidding me?

This shit is getting ridiculous now.

A single issue of a comic book is $4.

Chuck Taylors are $55.

$60 or $70 for a bag of pot!

A candy bar is a buck and a quarter!

Gas is almost $4.

I can't buy a loaf of bread for under $1 and my damn phone, tv and internet bill is almost $250 all-together.

KENNYWOOD IS 40 MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS!

And don't even let me get started on going to a movie theater. Every goddamned time, it costs me a buck or 2 more than the previous time.

$7 cigarettes.

Natty Light is almost $20 a case. Natural FUCKING Light beer is almost $20. Either someone is wildly over-valuing the quality/value of their product or there's far too many highschool and college kids with much more bloody money than we had 10-15 years ago. It was like $8 when I was in college. The only way it's worth it if THIS chick comes with the case.

This is not 1983 and
you look like you can't
decide between a Cadillac
or a panel van.

Hell, even Pabst is over $20 a case now. That shit was $9 not even a decade ago for a 24-pack. Though I blame that one on idiot hipsters that seem to think that drinking shitty beer and then overpaying for it somehow is "ironic". I still don't think you know what that word means. You use it about your 70's porn-star-stasch too. You're doing it wrong.

Exactly how can you call a fast-food meal a "value meal" when it's $7? You can walk into Eat N Park and get a burger, fries and a drink for $8 and you don't even have to carry a tray there. Someone does that for you.

And can someone tell when $60-70 became acceptable for a video game where you only get about half the content at the time of release and have to pay to download (at $5 a pop) the other half of the game one section at a time? That's before they come out with the next version only a year later for another $60. And then they release a Special Edition with some of the downloadable content and some new downloadable content that you can't download with the original edition because they stopped supporting it? Yes, I'm still pissed off about Marvel vs Capcom 3 and their bullshit use of the tsunami for why it was ok to stop supporting it and instead release Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 that would be the only version supported going forward. Fuck you, Capcom.

$2 for a cup of diner coffee. Not to even mention the prices for buying it at the grocery store. I blame Starbucks for conditioning people that it's somehow OK to charge $6 for a cup of coffee that led to that shit.

Oh fuck this. I give up. I probably wouldn't even be this pissed off if the future that we GOT and the future that we were promised weren't so different. We ended up with a surveillance state when we were promised motherfucking jetpacks. WHERE IS MY GOD DAMNED JET PACK!?!?!?

Ooooooohhhh. Comic-Con starts today, I think. Yes, I was just distracted from my righteous indignation by potentially new shiny toys and movies. Shut up. I hope you die.

A Guide... - #812.1

Day 812.1

A Guide To Dealing With Heat When You Have No A/C

1. Turn out overhead lights whenever possible. The small amount of extra heat generated by lightbulbs adds up.

2. Avoid running desktop computers when possible & use laptops or tablets if possible. Sleep mode or off is best for desktops in the heat. Screensaver a still use processor power & generates nearly as much heat as a desktop in operation. TVs and other large electronics produce similar heat so the same applies to them. Take the time to read a book. It doesn't require any electricity and won't generate any additional heat. A running television or desktop computer can add up to 5 degrees to a room. 

3. Open windows & run fans. Airflow is important. And if nothing else, moving in fresh air is key. Stagnant air maintains heat while moving air disperses it. Make sure ceiling fans are pulling cold air up rather than attempting to push the hot air down. And make sure that your fans are not working against each other. Direct airflow in the same direction within the house. 

4. Wear thin, lightweight clothing. Preferably natural fibers that breathe.

5. When indoors & moving outdoors is not possible, the lower the elevation in your home, the better. Cooler air falls. Your first floors & basements tend to be the coolest portions of your owner. Upper floors will remain the warmest even with proper ventilation & fans. 

6. Regularly dump any dehumidifiers that you may have. Humidity increases the intensity of heat & dehumidifiers help to pull moisture out of the air to minimize this effect. It also serves to help maintain airflow inside the home.

When doing all of these things, you can cool a room or home by a few important degrees. And if necessary, take quick cold showers from time to time to help cool your body temperature. 

I wrote this because my AC went out& I haven't been able to get it replaced yet. I figured that it'll happen to others too. Some people may not know how to deal with it or have never had to deal with it. And it's a friendly reminder as well.

Feel free to add your own suggestions & tricks that you've found to reduce the effect of oppressive heat.

... And On The 8th Day - #812

Day 812

... And on the 8th Day, God created...

Me.

Then he realized it was a fuck-up. Couldn't figure out a way to get rid of me. Had that action stricken from the record books and then made up that whole "I'm infallible" thing to cover his own ass in the even he was ever called on it.


That might or might not be Jim

It had to come out eventually. Just figured I'd give you some bits of what parts ended up on the editing room floor. The original version of the bible had a lot more drunken antics where God got all loaded and made shit up like the Platypus.

And when he had a cocaine-fueled nightmare one time and tried to draw it, we ended up with the Giant Weta. Cause FUCK THAT CREEPY GIANT BUG! If that's not straight out of a nightmare, I don't know what is!

But I'll let you know something. That dude is a shitty golfer. Why else do you think he made Sunday "church day" instead of "golf day" like everyone else wanted?

Also, his real name is Jim. And he's got a really bad hipster mustache. He stopped rocking the beard back in the 40's and has tried to be trendy ever since. I kinda wanted to punch him when he started wearing skinny jeans. Because dudes shouldn't wear skinny jeans. Ever. But he's "infallible" and thinks that makes it ok.

Dick.

It's All The Fault Of Iranian Testicular Saline Infusion Fetishists - #811

Day 811

The end is nearly here. I stumbled onto the threads of this plan a few months ago and have spent my off-time from this blog chasing down leads until I finally believe that I've found the origins, most of the moving parts, and the endgame for this apocalypse program. And we are all going to die.

In 1881, a group of Cthulhu Death Cultists and the Cotton Gin Consortium hatched a long-term plan for world domination. It is the biggest secret of the 20th and early 21st century and it has almost reached its climax. The plan began with small moves and was planned to take nearly 200 years. But the events of the 1970's Secret Ugandan Genetic Terror Jesus Resurrection Program accelerated the plans.

The first step of the plan was simple. Breed a child that would introduce the world to their god. Through a complex breeding program, 3 dozen children were born and the first selected to herald the forthcoming epoch was a failure. The first crop of apocalyptic heralds was born in 1890. Using a combination of Eugenics, Murder Theory, Thermal-Fusion Conditioning and Anaerobic Caffeine Injections directly to the frontal lobe of the children, their goal of creating a small army of Super Soldiers was a near complete failure, producing instead the man we would eventually know as Col. Sanders instead. However, one of the previously-disregarded gestation vessals had given birth to a child only a month before the first batch of future chicken magnates were born. In secret, a modified conditioning program was devised by a time-traveling android that had been imprinted with the personality of Buzz Aldrin's bastard offspring of a Moon Queen that he had impregnated while filming the moon landing on a Martian set. The non-chicken magnate child would grow to become HP Lovecraft, as you would expect.

It was around this point that the conspiracy began to expand and add additional support in the form of the Iranian Testicular Saline Infusion Fetishists, the Ukranian Bikini Team and an unknown guitar and piano manufacturer. These inclusions were strategic, although it appears that they were regionally specific rather than focus-based. They began to perform experiements with Thought Manipulation Lasers, Anal Prolapse Weaponry and the use of a combination of the sounds of an eraser going backwards on a blackboard and the sound of a walrus laughing as a torture technique.

In 1907, when Herbert Hoover and the Ancient Chinese Fire Cupping Club jointly discovered the microsingularity that is caused when a compressed methane cloud is forced through a small ring and then ignited on the other side at the point of ejection, time travel was invented. Thinking that this tool could be put to use by the Lord Templar of the Commercial Freight Hauler's Union to travel to the Canadian Judgment Day of 1937, the Cardinal of the Argentinian Wood Carver's Church discovered that the plan had failed somehow. That's when it they began to use the Time Technology to adjust their plan as necessary. They discovered the problem.

In 1936, the Supreme Overlord of the World Opthamologists Society, who by this point had killed off most of the members of most other disciplines in the Darwinian Science Study Wars of 1904 and ruled the majority of NorthWest Africa, discovered the plot by the Kentucky Fried Foods Syndicate and personally killed Col. Sanders while he slept with a garotte, preventing a major step in the plan from being put into motion. Undeterred by the failure, and with the assistance of PT Barnum's circus performers, the Syndicate determined the exact method to ensure the future that they wanted. Using the Time Tech, they traveled back and enacted this plan, artificially inseminating a German woman named Klara Pölzl in 1988, who would go on to give birth to a son named Adolf in April of 1889.

With that future failure avoided, the next steps of the plan involved waiting for the Science Wars to only pass in secret rather than the all-out medical genocide of the previous timeline. The World Wars were an unintended consequence and the rise of communism only served to help crush the faith of monotheists around a good portion of the world with a faith in the state or an openness to the concept of Elder Gods of the world.

But this was only part of the plan. Col. Sanders was also highly important. The secret original recipe was a message to the Micro Gods of the AfterVerse. The message told them that on July 7th, 1947, the Micro Gods were to finally reveal themselves to usher in a new era of technological and weapons advancements. Little did the Micro Gods know that it was a set up by the corrupting influence of the Cthulhu Death Cultists over the growing Syndicate. The Micro Gods were killed when their Intervibrational Balloon Ship was struck by a US Military Aircraft while it was still in the growing phase from subatomic to nearly the size of conventional fishing vessal. The result of the impact was to shrink & shift the military aircraft to the AfterVerse while completely decimating the Micro Gods and their ship. Because unbeknownst to most, the Micro Gods were the primary reason that the Elder Gods had been banished from our dimension in the first place.

The story goes that the Micro Gods of the AfterVerse had banished the Elder Gods from our dimension after an argument over a water variance with and the height of a fence. The resulting lawsuit, overseen by a cosmic judge in the Siamese Space Dolphin courts forced the Elder Gods to both remove the fence and leave the dimension unless the denizens of that dimension or the Micro Gods didn't request a continuation of the injunction by Earth Year 2015.

The conspiracy grew as it went unopposed and eventually led to the abolition of CFC usage, an increased frequency of butt sex as it was seen by the Elder Gods as a form of praise, and the confusion on the merits versus risks of nuclear power, the rise of the Bush Family, the election of a peanut farmer, and the fall of the western economy.

However, in an attempt to cause confusion within the ranks of the Syndicate, the Chinese began to inexplicably build complete cities for no purpose and with no populations. These are actually to be used as diversionary cities for the coming Apocalypse. With the onslaught not knowing where to attack, it allows an opportunity of either a brand-new city to use as cover or a Where's Waldo situation where the Elder Gods, unable to figure out which cities are real and fake, get frustrated searching for the real cities and eventually give up or leave.

While it's not entirely clear how the Terror Jesus Clone was instrumental in speeding up the timetable of the armageddon, it became clear to the Murder Priests of the Korean Whispering Church that the clone program and the retirement of the Space Shuttle combined with the EPA's increased emissions standards has created an environment ripe for incursion from The Before, which is the time-looped prison that the Elder Gods have been in since losing their civil suit, once the 2015 deadline rolls around with no objections.

We are all fucked and we just don't know it yet.

The Importance Of A Physical Thing - 810

Day 810

So I've realized something: I read a lot more when I have physical books than when I just have stuff thrown onto my iPad. And while it's a lot less convenient to carry around, physical books still have a draw for me that ebooks don't.

Now, that's not to say I have an issue with ebooks by any stretch. I love that I can take hundreds or more books with me anywhere I go with just a thing that I can (kinda tightly) fit into my back pocket. I love that there's a lot more options for interactingness, which is a word I think I just made up, in ebooks over physical books. I can only imagine how fucking badass a Choose Your Own Adventure book could be in ebook format. It' could be truly limitless. I love how  an author can update a book after it's published and, as long as they're just editing the same item on the Kindle store or iBooks store or whatever, you just gotta update the version you have and all of a sudden, major edits just pop up on your device without having to go and buy a new copy.

Not to mention how you can integrate media of all sorts into an ebook that is just not possible with a physical book. It's great. Want a certain song playing in the background or to set a mood with media instead of words? You can do that with an ebook when it's not really an option for a physical book.

But there's still something about holding  a book in your hands. Smelling the pages. Feeling the texture. Feeling how much or how little you have left to read. Flipping from page to page. That's something that you can't do with an ebook.

Or setting them up on a shelf or in a box with dozens of other books. With an ebook, it's just another file in a whole folder filled with them.

Having it staring you in the face when you put it down on the end table and it tempting or demanding you to pick it back up and finish it. There's none of that constant reminder when you've got an ebook on your tablet or phone or kindle. There's no taunting of a book cover that says "fucking read me, asshole! You're not done yet!" the way there is with the physical book.

And that's not to mention that sometimes you don't WANT a different version of a book that's been updated. Sometimes there's something refreshing or quaint about the little mistakes or incompleteness of the original version. Like a first edition. The oldness of the pages or for truly antique books, the idiosyncrasies of the original printer that make it unique.

I don't know... it's why I'm always torn and why I often wish that Amazon or Barnes & Noble or whoever would do something like Hollywood has done with their system. Where you get a download code for a digital copy when you buy a new dvd, but for books. So when you order a book from Amazon or something, it automatically shows up on your kindle account so you can start it now while you wait for the physical copy to arrive from the retailer. That way, when you're at home, you can read the physical copy but when you've got to go somewhere but want to carry the book with you, you just throw your kindle in your pocket or bag or car and you don't have to carry a bunch of books around with you.

It's weird that the Comic book industry is the only one to have even kinda figured this out yet. And even their system is imperfect. But it's getting there. And maybe one day in the future, we won't have to balance our desire to carry our things with our desire to actually own physical things.

FREE BOOK!

I announced this on the IGNITION post, but figured I'd post it here as well as Fet

iBooks finally updated with the free revised and updated version of Hold My Beer & Watch This that I put together with iBooks Author (which was kind of a nightmare to figure out, by the way...

Here's the LINK

So if you have an iPad, go get it for free. Ignore the 2.99 version (it hasn't updated to take it down yet) if you just do the search in iTunes. It does NOT work on an iPhone though. Fucking weird thing. Maybe I'll do another version that will work on the iPhone. (Edit: apparently anything written in iBooks Author does not work on iPhones. ePub versions only)

And if you just want the epub version for any device not named Kindle, Here You Go

And finally, I THINK this will work... but the free Kindle version HERE

So share this with people. I seriously want people to read it for free. And let me know if any of the links don't work right.

Kill The Future.... Build The Future - #809

Day 809

It's hard to get myself back in the habit of writing daily here. Especially when it's fallen on so many deaf ears in the past few months.

I mean, that's one of a dozen fairly-obvious reasons I put this daily blog on hiatus for almost 3 months. I had no passion for it and you all obviously had lost your passion for reading it. And that's because things stagnate when the bar doesn't get raised and you don't challenge the status quo. Because the status quo sucks. No matter what it is or no matter how cool it might seem to you right now, the status quo really generally sucks.

It's also why Fet has been sucking so much for so long. Because I think we've all realized that there's nothing new under the sun and outside of picking up minor skills here and there or seeing an interesting twist on an idea, there's not really all that much to give us that same delight that we once had with our kinks. I know I don't speak for all of you but there's a very large segment that I am speaking for and we're bored. Seriously. Fucking. Bored. I mean, yeah sure... there's some cool stuff here or there but for the most part it's a whole lot of "been there, done that" bullshit that we can't really bring ourselves to adjust our schedules around anymore.

You know what I'm talking about. Those things that get you so excited that you work the rest of your life schedule around certain things to that you don't miss a second of it. Those things that bring up a sense of wonder or joy or child-like enthusiasm in a way that not much else in our boring, monotonous, responsible adult lives provides.

I mean, if we're just doing the same old shit with little changes here and there, I'm pretty sure we can all figure out the future that's planned. And it's the same as now. Boring as shit.

That said, I just figured I'd mention that we won't be throwing any parties anytime soon because it has just been the same old shit. Not until we get an idea of something that is fucking AWESOME and nobody has done in years if ever before. No more trotting out themes that were fun the first time and are just the same-old-thing. No, I don't wanna throw another party until I've got an idea that's totally fucking rad.

And in the same vein, I'm done being involved in stuff that is just a lot of the same-old-shit all over again.

In fact, I'm done doing shit that's not a wholly new experience. I want something that's really going to spark my passion again and I think a lot of you do too.

So I'm also challenging you all to do the same thing. Get out of your comfort zones. Do new things and don't just get caught up in doing the same old shit over and over. Break the status quo and don't support things that are just more of the same. Don't do anything that doesn't add something new that DEMANDS that you adjust your schedule around whatever it is instead of the crap that you do if it fits in your existing schedule.

Do something new. Do something original. Do something that changes the game. And push for something different. Break the future that's coming and build something different.

IGNITION - #808

Day 808

Cover your ears & shield your eyes... The vacation is over. Your favorite Internet Bastard is back. And everything is about to get bloody.

But that's just the beginning. If that was all that a 30-day countdown led to, that would just be fucking lame.

No, I'm here to announce a lot of things today. There's so much news you probably might need to come back a few times and double-check that you didn't miss something.

First of all, yes... the daily blog is back. The RTOTD is off hiatus and will be a daily feature again beginning today. And it's not getting any more focused than it was last time. In fact, it's going to be even more random than before. Ever since the first hiatus and when I moved this thing to being primarily hosted on Blogger for Day 400 and beyond, I avoided talking about BDSM community shit and well.. it sucked. Because there was nobody there to point it out for you when bad ideas happen. That ends now. Nothing is off the table.

There are no rules anymore, children.

Now that that's out of the way... on to the announcements that you're probably more interested. I'm just gonna make a list that starts with the biggest ones:

I'm announcing a release date of December 12th (My birthday) for the 2nd book. The official title is Booze, Bondage & Bad Decisions. It'll be available in print as well as ebook again. There's some final details I'm working on now, and I might change the print publisher depending on a few things, but it'll be available once again in any format you want. Hardcover, paperback, epub for your iPad, Nook or general e-reader and mobi for your Kindle. So keep an eye out.

With that announced, that leads me into my next announcement.

For the next 30 days, the ebook versions of Hold My Beer & Watch This is FREE!!!!

But only in iBooks store, or direct from Lulu Press. Sorry, but I can't give away the print versions because somebody has to pay for the paper and stuff. And while I'll be awesome and give away the ebook version of my first book, I won't pay for your paper for the print versions. Go to one of the links on the side of my blog site or just search on iTunes for "Hold My Beer & Watch This" and download it for free until August 3rd, 2013.

Sadly, I wanted to make it free on Kindle, but the best I could do was $0.99 cents. So it's damn near free, but seriously.. 99 cents? Shit, if you can't jump on that then what more do you want? Hell, I bet you can find that in your couch cushions when you get home.

And I'm still fighting with the Nook store to make it free. The best I can do there is $0.99 for some reason. Keep in mind though, getting it directly from the Lulu Press store is the same as getting it from the Nook store. It's the same file. It's still the same epub file that runs on your Nook (if that's what you've got) but it's simple a question of who gives it to you.

It might take a day or 2 for the changes to kick in in all the marketplaces, but keep checking back if it's not showing up as free yet. It'll switch over. I'm not going to be too anal about the 30-day timeframe. It might be 35 or 40 by the time it's over, but I wanted to make it 30 for the time being.

And to go along with this, I'm also going to announce that the new design for Epsilon Phi t-shirts has been completed. Check it out below!

I'll be opening up orders (paid in advance) for new t-shirts via paypal in the next week or so. I'll make a specific announcement for them with a price after I'm done shopping all the printers. I'll get into more detail when I make the announcement for shirts. I want to have them in-hand for the Kinknic.

This part isn't really news but Epsilon Phi had been asked and made a decision to be a financial sponsor of the Kinknic. We will also host a watergun fight and a cigar social. Bring your own cigars if you want something specific, otherwise I'll try to order a case of 20 or so cheap cigars for anyone that wants to join in but didn't bring a cigar or forgot theirs.

Next up is a project that I've been working on for a little while now but I'm going to be using Blogger to host primarily. The Bimbo Project blog has been something I've been doing on Tumblr for a little while now and I'm going to be moving it to Blogger. It'll still be mostly hosted on Tumblr, but I wanted to throw it up as a different way to interact than Tumblr. So if you're even mildly interested in Bimbofication, you should totally follow The Bimbo Project on Blogger and if you want to follow both that and the random porn that I reblog, follow me on Tumblr. Yes, it's pretty much filled to the brim with porn that is totally stolen, but fuck it. It's no worse than Google Images. Except more organized.

So you'll be occasionally getting 2 full blogs some days when I have something new to add to the Bimbo Project blog. There's about 7 or 9 blog posts there and they're all a pretty deep thought about the practical aspects of Bimbofication. And I think I might be focusing my thoughts on the topic on that blog site.

And the final thing I wanted to cover day is the most simple. It's a reminder to everyone... everywhere.

Daddy is watching. Daddy is always watching.

Behave.