Random Thought Of The Day #32

I was busy all day today and didn't have time to do this earlier. I know some of you might go into serious physical withdrawl from not reading this during the week, so as a gracious god, I will still post one today.

Day 32

I am presently sitting on my front porch, reading a book while wearing a straw hat. Yup. I look the definition of a redneck right now. Oh right, rednecks don't read. Damn. I need a shotgun to clean. And some side-chew.

It's also amazing the kind of looks people give you when you walk into Target around midnight wearing a straw hat and a hoodie. The woman at the register, when leaving, looked directly at me/us (I was only half paying attention at first) and said to have a good and the stressed the word SAFE evening. It was.... different.

Apparently if you go into Target at midnight wearing a straw hat in Pittsburgh, it's assumed that you're drunk. Even on a Monday night.

Random Thought Of The Day #31

Day 31

Dear Great Pumpkin,

As your spirit is to Halloween what Santa Clause is to Christmas, I have decided that you are obligated to give me gifts as well. I believe that most people will agree with me on this subject and they will reply below.

As such, here is my list of free shit you may give me:

a deathray gun

a monkey

the remote control that allows me to kill the person on tv

a teleportation device large enough to transport my car

magical powers

vodka

gold

and guns

all of these are acceptable gifts. If, by any chance, I do not receive any of these or if I get pumpkin seeds or some other such bullshit in my Jack-o-lantern hung on the mantle or placed under the pumpkin vine decorating my living room, I shall track you down, eviscerate you and bake a wonderful pie with your internal organs, or whatever that mess is.

You have been warned, Great Pumpkin. I demand free shit.

Sincerely,

Your Friendly, Neighborhood Mad Scientist

Random Thought Of The Day #30

What? Did you think I would abandon you simply because it is Friday?

Day 30

Ok children. Time to list your favorite pick-up lines. I'll go first:

"shut the fuck up and get in the back of the fucking van!"

or

"oh THIS rope and duct tape? That's for later if you're good"

Random Thought Of The Day #29

Day 29

I'm amazed by the kind of looks you get from vanilla friends that are only mildly aware of your kink life when the question of rope is involved. And it comes up at the most random times. For instance:

Last night, I went to visit my friend El Hefe. He just bought a house and he and his girlfriend are in the process of moving in. They bought a couch. They hated it. So, long story short, I offer to help take it back to the store. El Hefe borrowed someone's minivan and did an evening trade.... Minivan for his 335. Cause a couch isn't fitting in a BMW.

Ok, totally got off subject. Back to the point. We put ths couch in the back and the hatch won't close. No problem, says El Hefe. I have rope. So, I stand back and let he and his girl and another of our friends make a virtually hysterical attempt at tying this hatch down. They managed to do the best job of making a gigantic mess with rope without actually tying anything down that nearly left me pissing myself that I had ever seen. Note to parents. Seriously. Teach your kids how to tie a knot other than on their shoes. Seriously. They're going to need I at some point. Fuck, put them in cub scouts for all I care. Tying knots is important everyday knowledge.

Now back again to the story. After finally overcoming my overwhelming lack of laughter control, I finally stepped forward and untied one knot and the whole 50' of rope simply fell off the back of the van. Again, see? Knot tying. Important for things other than bondage. It's a safety issue. Couches falling out of the backs of minivans on the freeway = bad.

Well, after taking about 4 seconds to look atthe bumper and the undercarridge of the van, I took about a minute, tied a nice tight strong and visually appealing knot. Turned around and was promptly asked "what the fuck? How did you? What?". The look of genuine astonishment was almost as amusing as their initial attempts of tyin that shit down themselves.

So the moral of the story? When vanilla have issues involving transporting furniture, for the sake of other motorists, kindly volunteer your kink talents. It's a matter of public safety. Or at least tell them to locate a fisherman. They're pretty talented with tying shit down too.

Random Thought Of The Day #28

Day 28

Have you ever had one of those things where you just can't, no matter how much you try, stop thinking about something? Like it doesn't matter what you do, immerse yourself in work, read a book, do housework, watch tv, get fucked up, go to the gym, whatever it is, you just keep coming back to the same issue in your head?

Yeah, I'm there right now. Can I just beat my head against the wall literally to match the figurative way I'm doing it inside my head? Maybe I'll knock myself unconscious and get a break from my self-perpetuating and self-imposed mental masochism.

Fuck.

Random Thought Of The Day #27

Day 27

What ever happened to good old honesty? Integrity? Saying what you mean and meaning what you say? Being specific?

When did we all start hiding behind vague generalities and cloudy expressions of thought with multiple interpretations and no clue as to the proper one?

When did double-speak become the norm? How hard is it to really just say what you know and what you feel and move on with your life?

When was the last time a guy and girl could know each other and both be happy because one said to the other "I like you. I find you interesting, attractive, and engaging. I'd like to take you out on a date. Would you go out on a date with me?".

When did that become unacceptable and become replaced by some vague and undefined concept of "hanging out" and throwing the trappings of dating in with it but continuing to cling to this fuzzy conceptual situation?

When did it become acceptable to accept the unearned? When did people start feeling "entitled"? When did feelings start mattering more than truth?

When will we start being rational again?

One day, people will again learn that words have an exact meaning and that it's time we started accepting them and dealing with each other on the terms of those exact meanings.

Or maybe, I was simply born a century too late.

Random Thought Of The Day #26

Day 26

in about 27 hours, I'll be at my brother's rehearsal dinner. In about 48 hours, I'll be at his wedding and in about 50 hours, I'll be giving a speech as the best man.

I have no idea what I'm going to say. I'll probably write something down, give it to the sister-in-law-to-be (she apparently declared veto power on my speech) and then make something up on the spot.

It'll probably end up having to do with something about if spiders had wings, they'd take over the world. It's going to be interesting. I'll also likely have at least half the wedding trying to figure out what the fuck I just said and what it has to do with the bride, groom or their wedding. Cause in all likelihood, it won't.

Public speaking with Joe is always an adventure.

RTOTD - Quarter Century Edition

Day 25

I am Joe. And no, I am not standing outside your house right now.

I'm in the attic and waiting for you to fall asleep.

Random Thought Of The Day #24

You don't deserve a random thought today, but I'll give you one because I am a kind and generous deity.

Day 24

lick my balls. Kiss them. Love them.

But if you bite them, I will punch you right in the fucking teeth.

And it will be hard to pick up your teeth with 1 eye.

RTOTD - Version 23.1

I'm approaching 7 or so hours of awake time without a smoke. I also have managed to not shoot, stab, bludgeon or otherwise violently accost anyone yet. It's a miracle. Pay tribute by offering your wives, slaves, daughters (legal only!) or wallets to me.

Yes, I do take plastic. But fuck American Express. Hard to get those assholes to pay up.

Random Thought Of The Day #23

Day 23

You're all in for a lot of yelling, bitching, breaking things, threats of bodily harm, actual bodily harm, random firearms discharges, inciting riots, and all kinds of other fun activities from me over the next week. I quit smoking today. So there goes my outlet for anger and frustration and all those other things. So as a result, you'll all experience my wrath, children.

You've been warned. I'm surprised I haven't thrown a brick at anyone yet today. It's been nearly 10 hours since my last smoke and I've been awake since 5:30.

Random Thought Of The Day #22

Day 22

I'm kinda tweeking today. I don't know why, but I can't sit still for some stupid reason. I keep feeling like there's something I should be doing that isn't apparent right now.

On the plus side, it means I might actually accomplish some o the projects I've wanted to get to here today. Yay for being hyper today. Want to go do something fun though.

Or maybe it's cause the Pens open their season tonight and I MIGHT be going to the drive-in tonight. I'm not sure. Gotta eventually confirm plans or the potential for plans. Grrrr. Mind is racing today!!!

Anyone have any lithium? I think my mind is actually about to catch fire from too many neurons firing at once. I think they're all going at the same time. Or maybe I'm just slipping further into insanity?

I mean, I AM a Doktor. Very much the mad scientist type. Now where did I put that death ray gun?

Random Thought Of The Day #21

Today is, again, a day of fail.

Day 21

So far today, I've been 10 minutes late for work, cold, running around like an idiot outside the office, got my hands covered in grease fixing a radiation detector, unable to type, and had my dollar eaten by the pop machine.

See? Fail.

So to reitterate my thoughts about yesterday:

Dear Today,

I quit. You win. My bed beckons and you're in the way. Can I get a mulligan?

Please?

Sincerely,

Joe

Random Thought Of The Day #20

I suck so badly today that I even managed to screw this post up twice.

Day 20

Dear Today,

I quit. You win. My bed beckons and you're in the way. Mercy, please?

Sincerely,

Joe

Random Thought Of The Day #19

Day 19

Dance for me, Internet monkeys. Dance.

Random Thought Of The Day #18 (Bonus Edition)

I'm in Detroit for the weekend, which means I'm presently missing (or already have missed) the Steeler game. And one of the other things I've found about the entire state of Michigan is that I have finally found roads shittier than Western Pennsylvania. Additionally, this whole state would make a tremendous location for a post-zombie-apocalypse film. Like 3 years post zombie apocalypse.

Basically, Michigan (and general) and Detroit (specifically) is a wasteland.

Again, nothing funny here. Just an observation. 

Random Thought Of The Day #17

Day 17

I'm working on projects around the house most of this week and realized that I almost get a zen-like feelin from building stuff or fixing things. I fix stuff. That's what I do. I fix furniture. I fix walls. I fix clothing. I fix wiring. I fix paint. I fix stuff. Only recently however, I've come to the realization that I also fix people. Or maybe I am a catalyst for people to fix themselves. I break them all up, put all the pieces in some type of order, and I start re-laying a foundation. It's just what I do. And I've also realized that I do this often. Maybe I see the ideal person inside of everyone and try to bring that to the surface and construct that from the parts that are already there and with a few new parts to finish it off. Maybe it's because I don't want to or can't fix me or whatever, but it's just what I do.

What? You were expecting some kind of joke in there somewhere? Ain't expectations a bitch? Especially when people don't meet them? Yeah. I don't do too well with ungracious expectations. And you all haven't shown enough gratuity for the enlightenment I grant you in these thoughts. So bite me. You'll take what I give you and fucking like it and beg for more, minions.

Random Thought Of The Day #16

Day 16

Go fuck yourself.

I'm Joe, I'm an asshole, and I approve this message.

Random Thought Of The Day #15

So it's been an incredibly hectic morning. And therefore, minions, I am posting this later than usual.

Day 15

Pay tribute to the science gods of the intarwubz, for they grant upon you new wonders every day. On the first day, they gave you the Instant Messenger. On the second day, you were bequeathed the Search Engine. And on the third day, you were given the wonder that is the intarwubz porn. And from these great gifts of the science gods of the intarwubz, you have shaped a new and exciting virtual world where men and women can live a Second Life as a walking penis randomly ejaculating bats or fairies or money. You have forged a untopia of Nigerian banking agreements and pay-by-the-minute instant nude modelling stars. You have sold everything from your virginity to your kidney to your child and your home. Oh superior lords of the intertron, we thank you for your generous gifts and will always use them to..... Um.... Scam people and jerk off?

shrug

well, that prayer went on longer than I expected.

Random Thought Of The Day #14

Day 14

In searching for inspiration for my random thought, I stumbled upon an odd revelation about Facebook. Now, all of you people that don't use it or use it every single day, multiple times per day, feel free to tune out for now, I'll get back to you people later. All of you that, like me, have a facebook account that you petty much just check when you're bored, read along.

Now, this revelation is simple. About 80% of the "friends" that you have are people tha you probably haven't seen or really spoken to in years or closer to a decade. Now, as you're really only passing acquaintences anymore at best, or more likely "some dude/chick I used to know", why in the blue Christ do these people decide that apparently you need to be challenged to some stupid/inane quiz, told about some movie that you've probably seen the trailer for 700 times already, or sent a request to join a group that you could give a fuck less about? What posesses people to bother people that they only added to their friends list out of morbid curiosity or to feel good about their own lives in comparison to someone they haven't seen in years and challenge them to a quiz that they'll, virtually guaranteed, never even think about again?

Is there a button that let's me kill the person that sends me these requests? Or is that yet another invention that I must work on in additon to my telephone that let's me punch the person on the other end andthe remote control that detonates the person on tv?

Now, as I said I'd get back to the rest of you.... I lied. Go fuck yourself. I really just wanted to waste as much of your time as I could.

Random Thought Of The Day - Baker's Dozen Edition

Yes, children, I made you think this early in the morning. Fuck you.

Day 13

So I've come to the conclusion that power tools are officially my favorite way to kills hours upon hours of time. I've also come to the conclusion that I don't own enough of them. Because a dozen or so power hand tools can be very fun, but lack that certain.... hardcore.... element that stationary or fixed mounted power tools have.

I've also found that while hand power tools are wonderfully pervertable, so can the fixed mounted tools. I'm thinking variable speed drill press dildo with the plate removed and attached to a rack.

I'm also concerned about something. While hand (and apparently, stationary) power tools can be perverted, where are the perverted toys that can be used as power tools? Or even hand tools. The best I can come up with is hard plastic dildo hammer. Or dildo handle on a hammer. Hmmmm, new potential product ideas. Perverted construction tools.

Don't even try to steal that. My idea fuckers. I want at least 1/2 the profits.

Random Thought Of The Day #12

Day #12

This is a question for all the bottoms out there. So what are the worst words you could hear during a scene?

I'm thinking it's a tie between "hold my beer and watch this" and "Well, they took away my surgical priveleges when I got Parkinson's, but this knife isn't as sharp as a scalpel, so I should be ok"

Random Thought Of The Day #11

Day 11

You are all lucky that I love you all, or I'd plant a subliminal trigger in here to actuate the suicide code I planted in your brains yesterday. Oh, what? I didn't tell you that? It was hidden in yesterday's random thought. Well, now you know.

And knowing is half the battle!

Random Thought Of The Day #10

I've decided to move this from Twitter to FetLife exclusively.

Day #10

I just realized the biggest problem with installing computers directly into our brains.... When it gets riddled with malware or virii and won't boot up, I don't think our employers will accept that as a sick day and theres's really no one to fix it cause we wouldn't be able to tell anyone. We would just kinda have to do like those people that live alone and wait until a friend or family calls in a missing persons report.

On the bright side, however, when your brainbox computer got riddled with spyware, the crazy tin-foil hat guy wouldn't be totally wrong when he starts screaming "they're reading our thought!!"