Random Thought Of The Day #692

Day 692

I figured I'd tease you all a little bit more by posting the introduction to my book. Here is the unedited version of the book intro section before I get to the actual funny and ridiculous shit.

My name is Joe and I pretend to be a writer. I’m also a raging drunk, an egotistical jackass, a manwhore, and a complete asshole with no internal filter. In short, I am the awesomest man alive.

Somewhere around mid-2005, I started writing. I don’t know why. I just woke up one morning, and started writing a little something and, back then, posted it to MySpace. You know, back when people still used it for social networking. Or to find slutty internet girls to nail and then find out too late that they’re going to be on the next episode of To Catch A Predator.

I simply called it a Random Thought Of The Day. Mostly because I couldn’t come up with a better title and it wasn’t really ABOUT anything. The next day, when I got into my office, I wrote something again. And again the next day and the day after that. Quickly, it became a thing for me to do in the morning. Part of my routine. I didn’t even realize that anyone was reading it.

It wasn’t until a few weeks later, when a few friends complained when I didn’t write one that day that I started to realize that maybe I wasn’t completely awful at this. Or maybe I was and people still liked reading it because of how horrible it was. Like the first few weeks of American Idol, when the only reason people watch is to laugh at the idiots that think they can sing but kind of sound like a cat being raped by a jackhammer. You know what I’m talking about.

After about 4 months I got bored and frustrated with how useless that site was and closed that account.

The writing itch however, never went away. I really enjoyed writing. And to be honest, I thought I was getting pretty good at it. Maybe a little verbose at times, but hey… most of my literary exposure in my formative years was comic books. And I don’t know if you ever read comic books in the late 80’s thru the late 90’s, but let me tell you… motherfucking writers would cram more useless exposition into each panel than anyone had any right to. It was like the literary version of ass-stuffer porn from the turn of the millennium where you had no idea how that much dick ended up in that asshole and how that shit didn’t tear… er…  well, I was going to say “in half”, but it’s an asshole and that wouldn’t make much sense at all. But you know what I mean.

Sorry. Got sidetracked there. Be warned, I kinda tend to do that. Back on topic.

But that bite from the writing bug… I couldn’t shake it, and within a year, I was writing again. But in the intervening year or so, I had moved most of my social networking over to [REDACTED]. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but you’ll find this out in the book here: I’m a kinky fuck, and while this book is NOT about sex or really anything, sex does play a big role here. Some of my best stories involve sex. Most involve me doing something incredibly stupid, and against all reason and cosmic or karmic justice, manage to survive. But sex is kind of a recurring theme in here. And Butt Sex.

I had become significantly more involved in the kink world. Those that I had befriended there would end up being my primary audience, the cheap fucks that they are, but I was giving it away for free. Like a slut.

See, I’m a whore. I want paid. Giving it away for free for a few years was my method of letting out my inner drug dealer mixed with a toddler learning to walk. I was giving people a taste to get them hooked while still finding my voice. Yeah, you all were used. It’s OK. You love it, don’t you slut?

What follows here is a number of stories of the things that I’ve done and situations that I’ve lived through interspersed with a lot of thoughts on the world, especially the kink world. I’ve changed some dates and locations, and given nicknames to friends to protect both my friends and myself from potential legal issues that might arise from telling these stories. I also did this because their employers that might not like stories of their employees antics tarnishing a corporate image. But all of the stories here are completely true, unfortunately; to the best of my, sometimes inebriated, recollection. I’m not proud of all of it, and in some cases, I’m shocked I’m still alive afterwards. But I loved living it. And I’ll continue to love living it.

It’s been a weird fucking ride. And I hope you enjoy reading this even 10% as much as I’ve loved living it.

So there you go... this is probably going to get at least partially re-written for the final version. I just figured that since some of you have already seen tastes of what a few of the stories look like because I posted them on the blog site before I even decided to do the book, that I would now give you a taste of some of the new material that was written entirely for the book. And let me tell you, there's a fucking LOT. The stories that I've posted here already are the short ones or only parts of much larger stories.

Just the "Girl Invites Joe & Friends To A Party. Things Break." story is 8000 words. The longest story I've posted here so far was around 2000 words. Some of the more epic stories are 6-10K words while some of the storter ones are around 2000 like you've already read.