It's All The Fault Of Iranian Testicular Saline Infusion Fetishists - #811

Day 811

The end is nearly here. I stumbled onto the threads of this plan a few months ago and have spent my off-time from this blog chasing down leads until I finally believe that I've found the origins, most of the moving parts, and the endgame for this apocalypse program. And we are all going to die.

In 1881, a group of Cthulhu Death Cultists and the Cotton Gin Consortium hatched a long-term plan for world domination. It is the biggest secret of the 20th and early 21st century and it has almost reached its climax. The plan began with small moves and was planned to take nearly 200 years. But the events of the 1970's Secret Ugandan Genetic Terror Jesus Resurrection Program accelerated the plans.

The first step of the plan was simple. Breed a child that would introduce the world to their god. Through a complex breeding program, 3 dozen children were born and the first selected to herald the forthcoming epoch was a failure. The first crop of apocalyptic heralds was born in 1890. Using a combination of Eugenics, Murder Theory, Thermal-Fusion Conditioning and Anaerobic Caffeine Injections directly to the frontal lobe of the children, their goal of creating a small army of Super Soldiers was a near complete failure, producing instead the man we would eventually know as Col. Sanders instead. However, one of the previously-disregarded gestation vessals had given birth to a child only a month before the first batch of future chicken magnates were born. In secret, a modified conditioning program was devised by a time-traveling android that had been imprinted with the personality of Buzz Aldrin's bastard offspring of a Moon Queen that he had impregnated while filming the moon landing on a Martian set. The non-chicken magnate child would grow to become HP Lovecraft, as you would expect.

It was around this point that the conspiracy began to expand and add additional support in the form of the Iranian Testicular Saline Infusion Fetishists, the Ukranian Bikini Team and an unknown guitar and piano manufacturer. These inclusions were strategic, although it appears that they were regionally specific rather than focus-based. They began to perform experiements with Thought Manipulation Lasers, Anal Prolapse Weaponry and the use of a combination of the sounds of an eraser going backwards on a blackboard and the sound of a walrus laughing as a torture technique.

In 1907, when Herbert Hoover and the Ancient Chinese Fire Cupping Club jointly discovered the microsingularity that is caused when a compressed methane cloud is forced through a small ring and then ignited on the other side at the point of ejection, time travel was invented. Thinking that this tool could be put to use by the Lord Templar of the Commercial Freight Hauler's Union to travel to the Canadian Judgment Day of 1937, the Cardinal of the Argentinian Wood Carver's Church discovered that the plan had failed somehow. That's when it they began to use the Time Technology to adjust their plan as necessary. They discovered the problem.

In 1936, the Supreme Overlord of the World Opthamologists Society, who by this point had killed off most of the members of most other disciplines in the Darwinian Science Study Wars of 1904 and ruled the majority of NorthWest Africa, discovered the plot by the Kentucky Fried Foods Syndicate and personally killed Col. Sanders while he slept with a garotte, preventing a major step in the plan from being put into motion. Undeterred by the failure, and with the assistance of PT Barnum's circus performers, the Syndicate determined the exact method to ensure the future that they wanted. Using the Time Tech, they traveled back and enacted this plan, artificially inseminating a German woman named Klara Pölzl in 1988, who would go on to give birth to a son named Adolf in April of 1889.

With that future failure avoided, the next steps of the plan involved waiting for the Science Wars to only pass in secret rather than the all-out medical genocide of the previous timeline. The World Wars were an unintended consequence and the rise of communism only served to help crush the faith of monotheists around a good portion of the world with a faith in the state or an openness to the concept of Elder Gods of the world.

But this was only part of the plan. Col. Sanders was also highly important. The secret original recipe was a message to the Micro Gods of the AfterVerse. The message told them that on July 7th, 1947, the Micro Gods were to finally reveal themselves to usher in a new era of technological and weapons advancements. Little did the Micro Gods know that it was a set up by the corrupting influence of the Cthulhu Death Cultists over the growing Syndicate. The Micro Gods were killed when their Intervibrational Balloon Ship was struck by a US Military Aircraft while it was still in the growing phase from subatomic to nearly the size of conventional fishing vessal. The result of the impact was to shrink & shift the military aircraft to the AfterVerse while completely decimating the Micro Gods and their ship. Because unbeknownst to most, the Micro Gods were the primary reason that the Elder Gods had been banished from our dimension in the first place.

The story goes that the Micro Gods of the AfterVerse had banished the Elder Gods from our dimension after an argument over a water variance with and the height of a fence. The resulting lawsuit, overseen by a cosmic judge in the Siamese Space Dolphin courts forced the Elder Gods to both remove the fence and leave the dimension unless the denizens of that dimension or the Micro Gods didn't request a continuation of the injunction by Earth Year 2015.

The conspiracy grew as it went unopposed and eventually led to the abolition of CFC usage, an increased frequency of butt sex as it was seen by the Elder Gods as a form of praise, and the confusion on the merits versus risks of nuclear power, the rise of the Bush Family, the election of a peanut farmer, and the fall of the western economy.

However, in an attempt to cause confusion within the ranks of the Syndicate, the Chinese began to inexplicably build complete cities for no purpose and with no populations. These are actually to be used as diversionary cities for the coming Apocalypse. With the onslaught not knowing where to attack, it allows an opportunity of either a brand-new city to use as cover or a Where's Waldo situation where the Elder Gods, unable to figure out which cities are real and fake, get frustrated searching for the real cities and eventually give up or leave.

While it's not entirely clear how the Terror Jesus Clone was instrumental in speeding up the timetable of the armageddon, it became clear to the Murder Priests of the Korean Whispering Church that the clone program and the retirement of the Space Shuttle combined with the EPA's increased emissions standards has created an environment ripe for incursion from The Before, which is the time-looped prison that the Elder Gods have been in since losing their civil suit, once the 2015 deadline rolls around with no objections.

We are all fucked and we just don't know it yet.

Leave Them No Ground To Go To - RTOTD #805

Day 805

Remember when LA County passed that stupid condom law last year where porn stars had to use condoms on any movie filmed in the county? And remember when the porn business said that they'd leave if it was passed? And remember when LA County didn't believe them and passed it anyway?

Well, they left and LA County is sitting there going "I don't know what happened?!?!?"

They mostly went down the road to the next county. That next county is now about to try to pass the same law. I bet when everyone tells this new county that passing the same stupid law means the porn biz will leave there as well, they won't believe it either. I guess they don't want the hundreds of millions of dollars that the porn business makes and they can tax either.

I always love seeing California plan to do something stupid, be told why it's stupid and not to do it, ignore all warnings about the detriments of doing it, do it anyways and then be left confused when the warnings they were given come to pass.

Because fuck you, Los Angeles.

When you realize how much tax money you lost from this stupid law & repeal it, think about changing your "no booze & fully nude strippers in the same place" law too. Your strip clubs suck compared to Pittsburgh. And really.... How could you possibly let that happen? I mean really.... That's sad.

I think someone was reading too much Sun Tzu recently. But it is California afterall. They pretty much get everything wrong anymore. I guess they somehow forgot that business is needed for those pesky things like "jobs" and "income" and "tax revenue" and stuff.

Maybe all that "speaking spanish and english" everywhere thing fucked up some translations when you added in Chinese. They managed to mix up Enemy and Business in translation.

Right? Maybe? Come on, I'm throwing you a fucking bone here, California. Just take it.

I Call Bullshit! - RTOTD #790

Day 790

So.... the Pope is quitting. Or is he just giving it up for Lent?

Or maybe he's retiring to take up the title of Sith Lord.

But in a stunning development, I will gladly accept any given nomination to be the replacement Pope.

So feel free to cast those replacement Pope ballots! Because you know Pope Joe would be fucking awesome!

The Rules Of My Road - RTOTD #776

Tin Foil Hats - RTOTD #769

Day 769

You know... there really aren't any cool conspiracy theory things out there anymore. The last one we had was what? The "9/11 was an inside job" thing? We're totally falling behind the past.

The 60's and 70's had the Kennedy Assassination and Moon Landing and the Beatles and Pink Floyd and the Wizard of Oz and all of the crazy conspiracy theories that went along with that. Not to mention having the Big Red Monster lurking across the other side of the planet and the KGB was everywhere.

Then the 80's had some awesome ones with heavy metal being all satanic and backwards lyrics and shit. Aliens got big again. The Big Red Monster was even scarier. A nutbag took a shot at Reagan. Wall Street was filled with wizards and shit. There were some awesome conspiracy theories.

Then the 90's were awesome. But all of them had to do with Clinton, which was weird.

I mean... I guess we have the "Birther" thing and the "closet commie" thing now.

But that makes me realize something... ever since the 90's, all of our cool conspiracy theories that you can get stoned and bullshit about for hours (because you're stoned and otherwise would get irritated by the topic in about 5 minutes because fuck politics)... they all revolve around politics now. It sucks. They all revolve around the President. Even during Bush, it was "Cheney is the devil!" conspiracy theory.

We need cooler conspiracy theories. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna start making some up. That have nothing to do with politics. We need some cool ones. I mean... the 80's and 90's also brought us the "Richard Gere Gerbil" thing...

So let's come up with some.

I have a few that I think could totally gain some traction.

1) Panda Bears are actually human/raccoon/bear hybrids from the future sent back in time to study the past and figure out why the fuck humans got so fucking fat before hybridizing (is that a word? I think it is. Or it damn well should be) with bears and raccoons.

2) Motherfucking Aliens! They built the pyramids and a bunch of other shit thousands of years ago. And they're coming back because the round trip is almost done.

3) Steve Jobs didn't die. They simply downloaded his consciousness into the Apple Mainframe and they're still in the process of building a body or host to defragment his personality matrix. They tried to use the robot that eventually was programmed to be called Mitt Romney, but it didn't have the storage space. It also didn't look right in black turtlenecks, so they started looking for a backup plan.

4) The government and the media and the entertainment business have gotten together to put together a plan that so confuses and contradicts itself about what behaviors and thoughts should be glorified and what should be condemned so that we're all forced, within 10 years, to just say "fuck it, tell me what to think all the time" and call it a day. They glorify and condemn sex, drugs, driving fast, firearms, traditional masculinity, alcohol, smoking, feminism, nationalism and everything else at the same time. When they're done, we won't know what to think or do, and just become mindless drones for our masters.

5) Canada is secretly building a 500 foot tall Mech-Warrior inside of a mountain in Western Canada. There is also a tunnel that leads all the way from Alberta (where it was built) to Toronto so that when it makes its world-destroying debut, it doesn't have to travel across country after being built. Because even taking over the world has an East Coast bias when it comes to the media coverage.

6) Batman is real.

7) There is a secret cabal of ninjas that patrol the streets at night and keep the tentacle beasts of the deep at bay.

8) The eschaton has actually been immanentized but we lack the capcity to percieve it yet.

9) I am secretly a viral hallucination from that time where your mom told you not to eat that whole back of special mushrooms. It's your fault that I have spread and infected everyone else. Blame yourself.

10) When you commit suicide, you're actually escaping the Matrix. If you kill yourself, you can live on to fight our robot overlords.

11) We are actually the fiction of our fictional archtypes. This is all Superman's Kryptonian dream on his way to escape his home planet.

12) If you buy my book, it has secret lessons of ancient wizardry in it. Become a wizard. Buy my book.