Random Thought Of The Day #568

Day 568

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before... but I have a theory about holidays:

There's 2 kinds of holidays...

1. Hallmark holidays. You give people gifts or send cards or do the family thing or whatever. They're boring as shit and you inevitably end up watching a movie with friends that night cause there's fuck-all else to do and you're sick of family by halfway thru dinner and then still have to deal with them for another 3 hours after that before you meet your friends for that movie. Oh... and Spike is probably going to have a Star Wars marathon and some other channel will have an Indiana Jones marathon. So it's basically a Harrison Ford holidy as well. Wait... I'm smelling a conspiracy here... Hallmark and Harrison Ford have formed an Axis of Evil that invades our holidays!

Wait... that's probably kinda crazy. But there's something fishy going on there with always having a Harrison Ford marathon on Hallmark holidays. I just need to figure out what the deep secret connection is there.

hmmm... I'll get back to that... there's the other holiday type to still deal with.

2. Drinking holidays. That's what you do. The day is devoted to getting fucking loaded. The liquor stores have sales leading up to them, the beer distributor stays open on Sundays... and everyone gets fucking loaded. The cops go nuts with pulling people over but pretty much don't give a shit about open container laws. You just get loaded.

But it's weird... these 2 holidays almost NEVER overlap. I mean... when's the last time you got a Happy 4th of July card? But I bet you got drunk in the back yard next to the BBQ at 2:00 in the afternoon. When's the last time you got hammered and partied until 3am on Thanksgiving? Unless it was to distract yourself from the annoying 2nd cousin and their demon children or that creepy uncle that you don't want to talk to. I bet you don't get any Happy St. Patrick's Day cards but you damn well get fucking smashed on green beer or Guinness or Irish whiskey!

So what I'm saying is... there's a Hallmark and Alcohol producers conspiracy! And Harrison Ford is involved in there somewhere too. Or maybe it's just George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. Those sneeky fucks. Next thing you know, Lucas is gonna try to retcon Thanksgiving too or fuck up Easter by making Judas get tortured to give up Jesus instead of just being a greedy fuck. Fucking Guido did NOT shoot first! Bastard.