Random Thought Of The Day #575

Day 575

Wyoming wants an aircraft carrier.

That makes sense. Really. It really does. I promise.

Is there some kind of unwritten rule about how when one side of the aisle goes nuts, the other has to to equally or more insane? Cause while it provides for great comic fodder, it really is probably not the best way to govern.

But since the GOP in Wyoming want an aircraft carrier, I think maybe I should make some ridiculous requests of the taxpayers. Since I haven't asked for free shit in a while (which none of you have given me as tribute yet... I'm still waiting for that beer-fetching monkey and death ray, fuckers!)... instead, since I want free shit & it's approaching St. Patty's Day... I think I'll make my demands to the magic St. Patty's Day Leprechaun:

Dear Leprechaun,
     As you are to St. Patrick's Day what Santa is to Christmas, the Zombie Jesus is to Easter, and the Great Pumpkin is to Halloween, I demand the following:

1. A case of Whiskey. But it better not be that north American bullshit. Irish whiskey only. American whiskey tastes like fucking swamp water. Probably. I don't know. I don't often drink swamp water.

2. A orbital platform death ray. Because if Wyoming can feel the need for something as impractical as an aircraft carrier, I can totally at least make use of a lunar orbiting death ray. I might need to blast the shit out of something with a death ray at some point. And I don't have to find a port of call for a death ray in fucking space. So actually, that's more practical than an aircraft carrier for Wyoming. But I'm reasonable, so I'll settle for a terrestrial death ray too.

3. Your pot of gold. Because if Wyoming is right, that shit is gonna be worth some BANK when the world collapses. And even if they're wrong... fuck... it's free gold, yo.

4. Tin foil. Because apparently, the primary defense mechanism for the crazies to use as hats will also be wildly valuable. Or maybe it already is. Has anyone checked the price of tin foil recently? Even if it hasn't, I bet books on oragami are totally skyrocketing. Cause folding that shit without it ripping is a nightmare.

5. I'm still waiting for my beer-fetching monkey!

6. Your Lucky Charms. Yeah, bitch. I want your Lucky-fucking-Charms. Don't make me sick Count Chocula's retarded friend Frankenberry on your ass.

7. A computer built into my brain so that I can constantly watch hockey games and netflix in my head.

I think that this is all for now, Mr. Magical Leprechaun. I demand my free shit. Or I'll start setting fire to every clover I find, 3 leaf or 4. And I'll find a way to destroy all rainbows so that you no longer have a place to hide that pot of gold. And when I'm done, I'll find a way to move the Guinness factory to the United States and further destroy Ireland's economy that doesn't come from the sale of guns or blowing shit up.

Love,
Joe