Day 631
Shibaricon is my last event.
I don't know why I didn't come to this decision a little over 2 years ago when these things got ruined for me. I guess it was some naive hope that these things would be different & that each attempt at having a better time at them would provide an opportunity to enjoy myself at them again. Some sort of redemption for the previously un-fun experiences at them. I'm not sure exactly how to quantify it. Or explain it.
It's been over 30 months & 6 or 7 event registrations since I last had any real passion for playing. Since I've even played. There have certainly been times that I've wanted to play and people that I've wanted to play with, but it's been a series of disappointments in that interim. And that's gone on to further kill any sort of passion that I once had for this world.
I've thrown a half dozen or more parties in the past 10 months or so. There have been hundreds of people playing at my home, in the atmosphere that I've worked to create. And only one of those times has that been me. For any number of reasons. And even that one experience was less than stimulating. Because there was not connection during the scene at all.
I can't get into anything anymore. I can't get excited for anything anymore. I can't really care about anything anymore. The only thing that seems to outweigh my lack of passion is my overall apathy towards this whole world. It borders on antipathy. I don't remember the last time I saw a class or a demo or anything that really grabbed me. That I read about and said "I want to go to that".
I don't think that I'm really equipped for these situations anymore. At some point I was. I can't pinpoint where that changed or whatever, but it certainly did change.
I have never been good with new people. I don't know if I can really explain what it is. Kind of a combination of 2 things, I guess. One that's a truth. One that's a lie.
The truth is simple. I need new people to give me a reason to care enough to want to know them. I need them to show me something new. To entertain me, to some extent. To prove that even knowing them isn't a waste of my time. And maybe in that way, I am the sociopath that some people see me as, and that I'm terrified that I might actually be.
The lie is a little more complicated. I say that I don't care to remember them and I play the aloof & arrogant & superiority card when new people are around. But honestly, I think it's more shyness. Not entirely though.
It's strange. I somehow can alternate between life of the party & wallflower in short periods of time. Sometimes at the same event. It depends on the percentage of the party that I know on some occasions, and on others?? It's just an issue of caring.
And I hate it.
I know that I need a kick-ass event to really change my interest level in being at these things. I look forward to them without setting lofty expectations when I sign up for them. I know that I'll have friends at them. And then, days before the actual event, I begin to dread it. I check in & I dread being there. I'm miserable. I'm emotionally drained before the event even begins. I hate being there. I just want to be home. I end up pulling everyone else around me down to my level of boredom and unease. I can manage to suck the fun out of being at them for other people.
And as I said, I know I need a kick-ass event to change this. But I can't seem
to find that THING that'll change it for me. That'll change my mental associations from "event = boredom & apathy & disappointment" into "event = fun & a mental high" again. I know it's nobody else's job but mine to find that.... But my level of caring has reached such a low point with them that I can't initiate that for myself. I can't find that desire to even make something happen for myself.
And so I'm done with them.
I think I'm done throwing parties as well. I've played at exactly 2 parties or events combined since late 2009. One of which was the most awkward scene I think I've ever had & the other was one with the least connection & desire to play with that person I've ever suffered thru.
I just don't enjoy myself anymore. Somewhere along the line, it stopped being fun. It stopped being enjoyable for me. And I've tried and tried to get that back, hoping that something would come along at first to change that, and then moving along to trying to change it and failing, before finally hoping that the variables will finally fall into place with enough opportunities that something falls into my lap. And none of them have happened.
I know I'm far from the most "approachable" person. That doesn't help. I know I'm not "known" enough that people seek me out. I don't have a finely honed skill set that draws notoriety. I'm just that guy that some people know that writes random bullshit on a blog to entertain the handful of people that decide to read this shit.
So I'm done.
I guess it was just a long-time coming. From the time that I decided I was done with the "community" bullshit and gave it the finger on the way out the door until now, it seems like just a slow downward spiral towards being done with being involved in this world at all. I'm still going to write. I'm still going to spend time with my friends. But I'm done going to events. Done going to parties. Maybe done throwing parties.
Because I just don't care anymore.
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