RTOTD #627.1

Day 627.1

Oh... and here's another reason that I hate the spring. It's weird how so many of these have to do with women. It probably also explains a few things when it comes to the women that have been in my life. But I've spent enough hours analyzing that in my own head that I don't need to do that here as well. Mostly why I suck at communicating anymore and why I never feel entirely comfortable.

And apparently I'm really feeling compelled to actually open up today. Trust me... this is a rarity. And it probably won't happen anytime again soon and even if I am open with anyone, ti won't be in a public forum like this.

The year prior to the previous post, I had been seeing someone. It was the first time that something ever really felt... serious. Real. It was different. You all remember the difference between whatever the hell it was that we called "dating" in highschool (or was it "going out with" for you? I barely remember. Considering that you didn't really go anywhere... but I digress...) and what that first actual relationship was like. The one that you said 'woah, that's what this is supposed to be like? this is totally different.". Yeah... that was this one for me.

Long story short, we had been together for just shy of a year at this point. And it was (and is still in my top 2) longest relationship at this point that weren't strictly platonic friendships or friendships with weird attraction overtones that were never acted upon. We were both doing our thing and things were going well.

She was trying to figure out what she was doing since she had decided against college. And had decided on the coast guard. She hadn't decided this until about christmas. She told me over Christmas break that she had made this call and would be leaving in January or so for Basic.  Well, we wrote to each other (snail-mail back then. I dont' know what the rules are now, but there was no communication during Basic outside pen & paper mail unless it was a life & death emergency) regularly and all that. But even with the little bit of distance between NJ and Columbus (which is another reason that I really don't like the city of Columbus), things were good.

Well, as it happened, my finals week and her graduation from basic fell during the same timeframe. So I wasn't going to be able to make it out for that. She was ok with it. She had been planning to come visit me during her week or 2 after Basic and before having to make it back to her posting. She had ended up getting posted as an instructor at the base there. So she had some extra time and didn't really need to do much packing. And we knew that we'd already kinda figure things out without being able to talk on the phone every day or so. So things were good.

As it turns out, plans changed. I thought my finals were a sooner later than they were. She only had 10 days for leave instead of 12 like she thought. And it ended up that during that last week where papers were due before finals week was when she graduated and I couldn't make it. And all during finals week, she wasn't going to be able to visit because she broke her ankle during the last week of training. Our plans got fucked. We weren't going to see each other. She had to leave to make it back for her posting the day of my last final. An hour after my last final ended. No way I was getting back to Pittsburgh in time.

Well, the day before she had to leave, her friends and family were throwing her a party. She was bummed that I wasn't able to be there, but was ok with it too. She was happy about the whole situation until she remembered that I wasn't gonna be there. So I told her, I wouldn't talk to her the day of it so it didnt' remind her that I wasn't there. Hey, I thought I was being sweet. She thought I was being sweet too. or that's what she said. I don't know. Doesn't matter.

But we had planned to talk the next morning before my last final and before she left. This is the days before college kids all had cell phones. Some did, but not the way it is now. So we were still stuck using the land-line in my dorm room & fucking calling cards. Yeah, really... calling cards. Do you even remember them at this point? running around trying to find the place that had the cheapest per-minute rate on the cards they sold. Timing your calls so that you maximized your usage out of the card. Damn...

But so yeah... we had planned to talk the day she was leaving. And after she got there, we'd figure out when would be a good time for me to come see her when she had a day or 2 of not being on-duty or even a few hours she could be off-base or something.

Well, I called. And it just rang. I left her a message. Hey, she's leaving that day. Proably has some errands to run. Neither of us had cell phones then. Probably just missed each other. She'll call back.

A few hours later... still nothing. I called again. Just rang and rang. And I left another message.

It's now right before a 2:00 final. Another hour or 2 after th last call. I try again. Nothing.

Obviously something's not right here. I was a little worried. But I still had a final to take. And after rushing thru it (it couldn't fuck up my shitty grade in that class any more than my drinking for the previous 3 months had already done) and running back to my room to hopefully get a message from her. I find out... nothing. No message. Neither of my roommates had taken one for me. Nor had they even gotten any calls.

I tried a few more times. I tried long after I knew she had to already be on the road to head out to her posting. And nothing.

4 months later, I was at my parents place when the phone rings. And I just answered it like I would have any other time. But on the other end, it's silence. For a second, I thought it was one of those automated calling things. The robo callers that then spit a message back at you or some dude from India that says his name is "Steve" and you can hardly understand him starts talking to you. And I'm just about to hang up when I hear this faint, mousy little voice say "hi" on the other end.

I recognized the voice. But didn't really have a damn clue what to say. What the fuck do you say to the girl you'd dated for a year and then disappears without a word or even a goodbye for 4 months? I was dead silent for about a minute or so. Or maybe it just felt like it and it was really only 10 seconds. I don't know. But I eventually managed to form the word "hey" and force it out of my mouth in reply.

We only spoke for a few minutes. But it was the conversation you'd expect. And it was also the conversation you wouldn't expect. It was odd. I finally managed to ask her what the fuck happened, but the best answer I could ever get was "I didn't think I should call". I never got a reason why. I also made it clear that things were over. She understood and figured the same.

Yet she still managed to, at some point in the conversation, ask me if I'd like to meet her in Philly for a Foo Fighters concert that summer.

Needless to say, I said no.

And that was the vaguely definitive end to that chapter of my dating life.

But this is just another thing that happened in the spring that make me dread this time of year. I guarantee that a shrink could have hours of entertainment going thru my head on how and if (oh, I guarantee that it does) there's a correlation between this as well as another dozen or so girls I've dated and the fucking mess that I am when it comes to relationships. And how I associate certain times of year with certain things that really don't mix well with pretty much anything else.