RTOTD #663.1 - The Girls I've Fucked Edition

Day 663.1

Since everyone else is doing it... I'll do mine.

**Letters to the women I've fucked:**

*To whom it may concern:*

I fucked 53 of you. But I don't remember your names. Most of you were batshit crazy. But hey... some of you were ok in the sack. And a number of you were 1-night stands. Some of you I saw multiple times and still don't remember your names. You were the ones that weren't very memorable. Hope you got better in bed.

Sincerely,
Joe


*To the one that I imaginary fucked (but didn't really):*

You were hot. You were also crazy. And you made up an imaginary relationship. But if you would have just said something, I'd totally have nailed you like a 2x4.

Please give my regards to the orderlies at your eventual asylum,
Joe


*To the 1/2 a fuck*

It was my first time. I don't really remember it. I was too young to drive still and way too drunk and have no idea if it happened or not. I'm pretty sure it did, but we can't be sure. We were both really drunk and at a highschool field party. But the tent was rockin & my friends threw me back in with my pants around my ankles and you were passed out naked. So I'm counting it as 1/2.

Thanks for that,
Joe


*To TheDevil*

The anal story was fun. The fuck in Detroit was good too. But the "intimacy kit" in the hotel mini fridge was way overpriced just to get some rubbers without going anywhere. Good luck with the next meal-ticket.

Don't call. Ever,
Joe


*To A*

You're cool. Just way too high-maintenance for my tastes. Enjoy married life, kiddo. Congrats.

See you at the wedding,
Joe


*To TheScreamer*

My roommates wanted to gag you cause you were so fucking loud. But hey... you went ass-to-mouth and drank piss like it was a beer chugging contest. So awesome.

Take care,
Joe


*To that GothSlut*

**FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOU**. You tried to move in on the second date and you fucked up my life for a long long time when I dropped your ass like a bad habit. I hope you die in a fire. I'd be happy to set it if I saw you again. Non-consentual diesel fire play sound as much fun to you?

I should have gotten that restraining order,
Joe


*To M*

You're my fucking Kryptonite. And have been since we met 15 years ago. Shit... there's a reason we don't see each other. Because we still end up in bed every time we do. So I guess I'm your Kryptonite too. Too bad more than that will never be an option.

Love you,
Joe


*To the StripperTandem*

That was a fun summer. Start sleeping with 2 different strippers and find out they're fucking each other too. So thanks for going along when I suggested it would be more time efficient if we all just fucked at the same time.

I hope you all finally stopped doing coke but it kept you skinny & energetic in bed,
Joe


*To El Hefe's Cousin*

Dude... you went from dating ME to dating a fucking Spanish prince. Then you produced porn. But hey... you were hot and Spanish and a good summer distraction for 2 straight summers in highschool. And I could pick on El Hefe for fucking his cousin.

Are your still working for MTV Europe?
Joe


*To K*

That one night when I was house-sitting for PrettyBoy & Rage where we got stoned and fucked was fun. But I'm still pissed about when you walked out on me at Eat N Park when I told you I was nuts about you.

Heard you got fat... so I guess I dodged a bullet there,
Joe


*To PlayBoyBunny*

I fucked you before you modeled for Playboy. I was always more of a Hustler kinda guy. The girls were sluttier. But I'll never forget the Cookies story. That's totally going to end up in my book.

I bet you couldn't even read THIS letter,
Joe


*To Half the hot girls in Cleveland*

You're easy. And a number of you are in the 53 listed above. I still don't remember your names. I lived there for 2 years and fucked 25 of you in that span. You were fucking sluts. It was the only redeeming quality of Cleveland.

Go Steelers,
Joe



*I told you I knew way too many girls with variations on the name Christina*