Up Is Down & Black Is White - RTOTD #878

Day 878

Oh Chicago, how much I loathe you. There is nothing about you that I like. You're a 3rd world city that has never understood its own stupidity and this is yet another example of it.

It has come to my attention that you've decided to re-invent the philosophy of transportation in your city. And who, might you guess, gets the highest priority when designing roads? Cars? No? Why? Oh, I guess you're right. Of course not. That would be silly. I mean, it's not like paved roads were essentially invented to accommodate cars or anything. No.

So if it's not cars, it must be buses, right? I mean, I can see that. If you want to put bus routes in then the roads have to at least be able to accommodate the buses that you're using then because sometimes a tight turn prevents a bus from making that turn, so if you design a road with buses in mind, then cars obviously can also navigate them pretty well. But wait, what's that? No? Not buses either? Wow, that's weird.

So if it's not cars and it's not buses, then it must be bicycles then, right? I mean, you're one of those "progressive cities" that thinks that bicycles are the pinnacle of enlightenment because "environmentalism" or "sustainability" or "insert your favorite pseudo-scientifically-proven cause that will get rebuffed next week but come back en vogue in a few years before we repeat it all over again", right? But you also think that banning all firearms will cut down on crime but somehow always end up being the firearms murder capital of the country. Weird. So it's gotta be bicycles, right? Even though it doesn't make a fuck bit of sense, bicycles HAVE to be the top priority when cars and buses aren't. There's not many things left that it could be. So it's bicycles, right? What do you mean "no". If it's not bicycles, then what the fuck is it?

Pedestrians? Are you fucking kidding me? Pedestrians are now the priority to be kept in mind when designing streets? You don't see the stupidity in that? No, it doesn't make sense. Do you know why? Shut up. Do you know why designing streets to suit pedestrians and even sometimes banning cars on a street makes no fucking sense? SHUT UP, I'M TALKING! Do you know why it's fucking stupid?

Because pedestrians already have their own fucking streets. THEY'RE CALLED SIDEWALKS!

So here's the deal, Chicago and every other stupid place that somehow has jammed their head so far up their ass that the whole world is upside down (because that's the only conceivable way that this could make a fuck bit of sense to anyone with more than 2 firing neurons)...

When pedestrians start getting priority in the streets and street design, I'm calling dibs on priority for my car on the fucking sidewalk. Let's see how this works out, since you wanna make all this shit backwards anyway. I'm just going to take it to its logical conclusion.

People in the streets. Cars on the sidewalk. This is going to be SUPER.