Day 891.1
This is going to be a total fucking disaster & it needs to be chronicled through the eyes of an asshole who hates everything.
Oh wait, that's what the rest of the Internet is for. So instead you get me. Off work because I'm getting a new driveway & somebody's gotta be here.
I'll be updating this today as thoughts stike me & things happen.
Most notable thought so far? It's days like today that make me miss this chicken place at OSU that would deliver fried chicken, beer & cigarettes. You have no idea how helpful this would be today.
8:28am - the least original hot take for today: this is really the best we could fucking do? Really? REALLY?
8:29am - Thank you DVR for being super busy on Monday nights so I have like 5 hours of TV to watch instead of morning news.
8:33am - what the fuck happened to the iPhone's keyboard with iOS 10? It doesn't switch back & forth between symbols & characters automatically anymore after you elect a symbol. I dislike this. Do you know how many times I've typed "we'43" instead of "we're" because of this & then had to Fucking fix it? I hate this.
8:39am - how has there never been a Cokie Roberts/Cocaine mash-up meme?
8:42am - thus far, watching a bunch of dudes rip up my driveway is 10,000x more interesting than any of the morning news election obsession coverage.
8:47am - over/under on me starting to drink before noon today?
8:55am - I forgot that I didn't watch The Walking Dead for this week yet. At least hat solves the problem of "how can I avoid the news for the next hour?"
9:40am - news from the future!!! "President Elect Bob" is the surprise winner after everyone else mysteriously quits. Nobody yet knows Bob's last name after he was picked as the 1000th person to come thru the TravelAmerica in Breezewood after all other candidates simultaneously quit at 2:00 this afternoon.
9:59am - does anyone wanna bring me pancakes? Pancakes will improve everything.
10:53am - in a surprise turn, I still haven't started drinking.
10:59am - still awaiting magical delivery pancakes. Still very disappointed.
11:16am - settled on delivery burger. Also turned the news back on. Have we started taking couches off porches on Election Day too instead of just during OSU/Michigan or Pitt/WVU game Saturday's now? We might want to consider it. I foresee the USA turning into Oakland on a Pitt football Saturday today. White trash couch burning idiot. Like the assholes that woo at baseball & hockey games.
11:24am - it seems like Elections have taken on the same traits as millenials with their birthdays. First it was celebrated for a day. Then a week. Now the entitled assholes celebrate for a whole month. That's the fucking election. It's like Christmas. It's somehow now something we do from about a week after the previous one all the way until the next one. Stop it. Everything gets 1 day. Stop turning it into a whole fucking excursion.
12:45pm - My delivery burger was fucking delicious.
12:58pm - I have decided that 2pm is when my day drinking begins today.
1:21pm - if you haven't voted yet, remember that Bailey is eligible as a write-in candidate. And he's the only candidate that won't make you nauseous to be in the same room with, or will make you vomit when he licks your hand. Just wants your pets & your vote.
1:52pm - also, vote Phil Kessel, Stanley Cup Champion. Nice guy. Tries hard. Loves the game.
1:57pm - which candidate looks better with a set of balls resting in their forehead? Decision 2016!
2:00pm - I'm starting drinking now. Shit's about to get REAL! Come join me at my house if you're bored & want to entirely ignore the election from 7:08 until the end of the Pens game. By watching the Pens game....
2:55pm - absolutely nothing has fucking changed today except that I am now 2 beers deep. This is why all-day coverage of shit that doesn't happen for another like 5 hours is completely unnecessary. Especially when nobody cares about what is going on until after shit is already closed. American network news election coverage & TSN's NHL Trade Deadline Day share this same problem. But you idiots (and today, me idiot) watches it.
3:25pm - I wonder if there's a correlation between the number of crazy people in this country and the advent of 24 hour election coverage? I know that in under 8 hours, I'm already feeling a little unhinged.
3:50pm - I think I love how much pretty much everyone voting or running for something today hates everyone else. It's refreshing to see narcissistic asshats of generation ME being so honest about it. I also hope everyone I disagree with dies in a fire.
3:53pm - I have determined that these beers are not poisoned. I believe that the 5 I've drank is a good sample size for the case.
3:58pm - I would attempt to turn this election into a drinking game, but I think any rules that I come up with will kill me.
4:01pm - there is a squirrel in my yard that I believe might be the most qualified for the presidency out of the squirrel, the sociopathic game show host, and the criminal
4:04pm - I may consider drinking whiskey to make tonight tolerable. This is important. There are not many things I find more intolerable than whiskey, but I have reached the point where swallowing whiskey may be more tolerable than swallowing this election trainwreck
4:06pm - I am also out of things to watch on my DVR. There goes my fucking diversion.
5:15pm - the election has become basically pro wrestling. I'm just waiting for Hulk Hogan to do a run-in & clothesline someone before his ring music hits & he starts doing his "I am a real American!" "Can you hear me?" thing.
5:21pm - they then become tag team partners for the next 4 years
5:30pm - oh look, a comic book. It's probably got a plot that's as realistic as this election. *scans cover* time machine & teleportation to an alien planet infested with roach-like parasites.... yep, pretty much this election.
5:37pm - the chick that's reporting from Clinton HQ on CNN sounds like she doesn't know what the fuck she wants to say. George Bush on TelePrompTer sounded more sure of his next word.
6:04pm - I once again want delivery pancakes. I might have to settle for pizza. They're both round foods tho, so that's good.
6:06pm - these candidates are NOT good dogs, Brent
6:12pm - anal is the new oral
6:18pm - this comic book is better than the news.... but this is not news. Comic books are already almost always better than the news
6:24pm - too drunk to go anywhere to get food. But hungry now. Why does Sheetz not deliver? Also, 36 minutes to hockey.
6:28pm - can I count my new driveway as part of the "infrastructure repair" whichever candidate wins will inevitably propose?
6:32pm - Phil Kessel 2016. Good guy. Tries hard. Loves the game.
7:00pm - it's hockey time now so I'll check back in during the intermissions. I guarantee nothing changes
7:01pm - how did I not know there were emotional support puppies at some of the polls today? This makes elections better. Or at least tolerable
8:39pm - at least the hockey game is good. But the news is like a bunch of monkeys trying to understand statistics anyway
8:43pm - they're already starting with the "too close to call" shit already.
9:53pm - well, the Pens won. That's a victory for America at least & proved some parts of life are still rational. But Trump actually maybe winning? That's insanity. Beautiful, horrific, physics-defying insanity.
10:00pm - how in the blue hell does Montana have 3 electoral votes? Cows aren't citizens.
10:05pm - So I think we should kill the loser of elections from now on. Or at least Hunger Games the shit out of them in some arena battle.
10:10pm - I've switched my drink up to purple Fanta & coconut rum
10:19pm - I'm going to wake up sometime in the future & realize 2016 was a hallucination, right? RIGHT!?!?
10:40pm - next season on "America: Let's Vote", we pick between even worse human beings. It's all-star season starting with Charles Manson & the guy that decided tights as pants was acceptable outerwear!
10:44pm - for the record, America... this is the shittiest version of Date, Marry, Kill you've ever come up with.
11:11pm - this proves that the only way to watch an election is shithoused
11:17pm - my gut feeling has been completely wrong for every election since 2008. I thought there was zero chance of a Trump winning & now it's actually looking possible. i don't think I could have written a bigger clownshow than this & made people believe it.
11:30pm - This is like watching a popularity contest between paper wasps vs poison sumac. No matter who wins, we lose.
11:41pm - I couldn't decide which one would make me happier: watching a sad rejected Clinton, or the temper tantrum that Trump would have thrown. Either way, I win tomorrow.
11:58pm - I can't believe I've been doing this shit for like 15 hours already. This was a poor decision.
11:59pm - So... if Trump actually manages to win this disaster of an election, does Hillary's "glass ceiling" imagery by doing her thing at the Javits Center become ironic or just fucking hilarious?
12:04am - Over/Under on when Jim Comey gets blamed for Hillary losing? I'm going with "it's probably already happening"
12:06am - The only thing this election is missing is an RKO outta nowhere!
12:08am - Am I the only one that hears election prognosticators talking about what a candidate needs to do to win, after the polls close, and think "no fucker, [BLANK] has gotta get LUCKY cause they can't do shit anymore"?
12:18am - Calling it a night. This was the exact disaster that I was expecting. And I kinda love it & hate it at the same time. This is all your goddamned fault too. The Dems were so set on giving Hillary her "due", that they ignored how much everyone hates her. Bernie was too fucking insane to be taken seriously. And the Reps did what? Nominate the only person I could think that could somehow, some way be just as hatable as Hillary by just as many people. Christ, this was fucking awful.
8:35am - oh god. I mean... it was going to be a disaster either way. And I still don't know which disaster was going to be worst. But we only get to explore one of the disasters. Lesser or greater evil? I haven't gotten a clue. I just know I won't get what I want in my lifetime... someone that will leave me & everyone else the fuck alone.
8:42am - America... when I get drunk, I just put my phone away & try not to set things on fire. You apparently decided that your options were to wipe your ass with poison ivy or set the forest on fire. But at least you gave me comedy fodder for the next 4 years. This is going to be a complete & total farce.
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