Day 894
Don’t date strippers. Seriously. Don’t even try. I know. I’ve done it too many times. And I need to stop. Seriously. I really need to stop because I’m like an Alzheimer's patient when it comes to strippers. I think “maybe this time it will be different?” and guess what? It’s NEVER EVER DIFFERENT. It’s a trainwreck. Figuratively & literally.
In the past 2 weeks, with 2 different strippers, I’ve been asked out by them. One already happened. One was going to but isn’t now (I’ll get to that)
PART 1 - The Metaphorical
Let’s start with the first one. She asked if I wanted to get dinner & I figured, “what the hell” and said yes. We were supposed to meet at 8 for dinner & at 7:45, she asks to push it back to 8:30 and to meet at a bar close to her house. I figured “ok, maybe she doesn’t want me to see where she lives. We don’t know each other very well & for all she knows, I might be a crazy stalker. That seems like a legitimate concern for a stripper. She’s hot & probably meets a lot of creepy assholes that can at least temporarily hide their creepy asshole side at the nudie bar, so a girl needs to be cautious” so I agree. I’ll just give you a timeline from this point forward:
8:27pm - I arrive at the bar almost exactly on time, because I’m a weirdo that believes that “to be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is out of the question”. I should know better when it comes to meeting a girl. But I was still on time. So rather than sit in my car, I go into the bar & sit down. I figured I might as well grab a beer. I send the girl a message that I’m at the bar in case she’s just standing around outside. I receive no immediate response.
8:45 - Since I’m the weird loner guy at a bar with only a handful of people in a single group, I end up striking up a conversation with the bartender.
9:15 – I get a message that she’s running late. No shit, lady. I’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes already. I’m hungry but the 3 beers I’ve already drank in the past 45 minutes are making it less unbearable.
9:30 – I get another message that she’s on her way. She says she lives a few blocks away.
9:45 – I now begin to assume that she is coming via Sherpa or pogo stick. Possibly unicycle. And her balance is not very good and she’s wiped out a few dozen times but is really really serious about getting good at it, so she’s getting all the practice she can. Even on a very cold & wet night. She’s very focused on her unicycle training.
10:00 – How long does it take for someone to travel “a few blocks” even by unicycle? Apparently at least 30 minutes
10:04 – Oh look, she’s here. Maybe we’re going to get dinner now? I’m really hungry & we’re already 2 hours behind the original schedule. And I am a 6 year old when it comes to my stomach. I need food.
10:05 – She hugs me & orders a drink. A double. Apparently we’re not getting dinner yet. Great
10:10 – In the span of 5 minutes, she’s probably rattled off 5,000 words so far. No more than 2 sentences on the same subject. I have yet to get out more than 1 sentence on a subject before she’s changed it to something else. My head is spinning a little bit trying to keep up with this rapidly changing non-conversation.
10:25 – She’s already gotten up and wandered around twice for no apparent reason, mid conversation. She’s now complaining about the bartender & has whispered to me something about the girl down the bar being really ugly. I don’t know what’s going on. She hates her drink & is getting something else. Whatever. Maybe a little alcohol will calm this broad the hell down.
10:50 – I have still not gotten out more than a single sentence in response to anything she’s said and she hasn’t answered a single question I’ve asked. Just went off on some other tangent. I go on tangents sometimes but always work my way back to my topic. This bitch’s tangents have tangents. I’m completely lost. The bartender is still being really nice to me but she’s already yelled at this girl twice & asked her to not call her by some nickname. Apparently they know each other. Oh, this is special.
10:52 – She’s now informed me that she has a “sorta-boyfriend”. I ask why she’s out with me then? She almost answers but starts on a rant about him being a bitch. I try to ask another question but she ignores it & continues her incessant & completely nonsensical rambling.
10:55 – I might get into a bar fight. She’s gotten up yet again to walk down to talk to some group of people at the far end of the bar. I’m now live-tweeting this trainwreck. This isn’t a date. This is performance art. It has to be. But she’s now arguing loudly with some guy about why he’s not willing to show her his tattoos. She sits back down & yells at me for live-tweeting the date. Before I can respond, she is yelling at the guy down the bar again & calling him a pussy because he won’t show her his tattoos. I look at the bartender with a deer in headlights look and mouth ‘I have no idea what’s going on. Kill me’ and she smiles back. The guy is yelling back at this girl. I yell loudly “CHILDREN, FUCKING BEHAVE”. They both pipe down. She tries reading my live-tweeting over my shoulder & calls me a pussy for not saying what I’m thinking and tweeting it instead. I tell her “well, considering I’ve barely gotten more than a sentence out so far, expecting to get a full 140 characters out might be asking too much”
11:30 – Why am I still here? We’re still in this fucking bar. I’m on beer number like 8 now. I still haven’t eaten. I’m still live-tweeting & trying to keep up with her relentless shotgun blasts of random bullshit that I’ve stopped caring. I’m getting bored & even more hungry. I’m so bored that I can’t even get drunk at this point.
12:10am – She looks at me & can probably see the bored look on my face. I’ve stopped trying to even keep up with her shit. There might be an interesting chick inside all this hurricane of random but I damn sure can’t find it. My hope that a few drinks might get her to focus on a topic for more than 11 seconds was for naught. She’s still going full-bore. I don’t even care at this point. I just want to eat. But I’ll keep drinking until then. She’s still nursing her 2nd drink after hating her first one. She finally stops & says:
“you kinda hate me at this point, don’t you?” She actually takes the time to wait for an answer…
“I’m not really a fan” I reply.
“I’m never going to hear from you again, will I?” she follows.
“Probably not” I answer, almost astonished that an exchange on the same topic has lasted more than 1 simple question/comment & response before the topic changed.
“That will be a first” she informs me.
“Oh really? No other guy has ever just been like ‘nope’ and never called again?” I ask
“they’ve all come back” she says somewhat proudly
“first time for everything” I tell her before she promptly goes off on a different diatribe on a wholly different topic entirely unrelated.
12:35 – She’s now been banned from the bar. This is her local bar. The bartender has gotten sick of her shit. She’s not throwing us out, but she’s also not allowed to come back. The bartender still kinda loves me. We’ve been laughing at this trainwreck of a pseudo-date I’m on for most of the past 2 hours..
12:55 – Seriously, why am I still here? She now wants to leave & go to this other place. I hope to god this place has food. I’m starving & still wondering why she’s out with me.. If she wanted to just use me as a wallet to fund her night out, she’s doing a really shitty job of it. She’s had all of 2 cheap drinks & we still haven’t gotten dinner that I’m not thinking is never going to happen.
1:25 – We finally leave. The bartender reminds this girl that she’s banned. The bartender personally invites me to come back anytime & that I was a lot of fun. 3 other patrons that I’ve never met before tonight all come up to say bye to me. She’s the local and banned. I’m the tourist & everyone loves me. More proof that I’m awesome.
1:40 – She directs me to some bar downtown. Great. She wants me to go to come after-hours club with her. I’m fucking starving & really at this point, terribly bored. For the last 2 hours, I’ve been torn between dropping her ass off & bouncing or seeing how much worse this can get. So far, “how much worse can this get?” has been winning big a big margin. And I’m now one of about 6 straight guys in this after-hours club of mostly gay dudes & a handful of chicks. I high-five a girl in an old-school Mark Recchi Pens jersey circa the first cup run in 1991. Because why the fuck not?
2:10 – She’s vanished again, but this time so that she can go to the bathroom for some guys to do blow off her. I guess she’s cleaner than the back of the toilet, right? This bitch has gotta be on something because her Gatling gun of nonsensical rambling has not slowed down at all. She claims she’s not doing coke anymore tho, so I guess that’s good? This is just a disaster. I’m still live-tweeting it too.
2:50 – I’ve now given up. I just want to go to Sheetz & go to bed. She has wandered back to where I’m sitting at this bar nursing the widly overpriced after-hours drink because I’m really fucking bored. And even the novelty of seeing how long this mess can continue has now worn off. I’m cranky & I’m hungry. It’s been over 6 hours since we were supposed to be sitting down to dinner & I’m officially done. She informs me about a party that her friends invited her to. I can’t tell if this is her way of parting ways or if she’s asking me to come with her, but I don’t really care.
“ok, have fun. I’m gonna go eat” I say
“oh…” she replies
“yep. Later!” I say as I pick up my coat & make a beeline for the door.
2:55 – I’m sitting at a redlight downtown. The only thing on my mind is food and checking my rearview because that’s what I do. I see a car coming behind me & realize he’s coming quite quickly. I look up to make sure the light hasn’t turned green. It hasn’t. My eyes are flickering back & forth between the mirror & the light. The car is still coming. It’s not slowing down. He’s not slowing down. Shit, he’s not slowing down. Fuck, he’s not slowing down. Goddammit, fuck he’s gonna hit me. And I throw it into neutral real quick & just at the right time, take my foot off the brake. I bounce forward about 8 feet into the intersection. He hit me pretty fucking hard. It’s an asshole in a BMW. Because of course it is. It’s like the rule of owning a BMW to be a self-absorbed asshat.
2:56 – I pull onto the side street thru the intersection & get out to look at the damage to my car. I don’t even give a fuck about the damage to his. Thankfully, I’m left with just a scuff on my bumper. Yay plastic bumper covers. I look up at the BMW owner and of course, it’s one of the dudes that that girl was bouncing around with at the bar & was talking to about going out to that party. 99% sure it was also one of the dudes that did blow off her in the bathroom. The world is too fucking small. I glare at him. He’s a twinky dude wearing far too tight of a shirt over way too skinny of a body.
“You’re [GothStripper]’s friend, right? Saw you head to the bathroom with her”
“umm… yeah. Your car fine?” he says
“yeah. Just a scuff. I really don’t care if yours is fine, but mine is, so I’m fucking leaving. And I’m not waiting for the cops. Don’t think you want to either, right?”
“umm… no. Yeah. Have a nice night man. Sorry.” He says
3:01 – I leave
3:15 – I see it. Shangri-La… or at least the closest thing to it at 3am when you’re 7 hours late for dinner… Sheetz. Glorious glorious Sheetz. And I dined like a king. Well, - king at a gas station that serves pretty ok food.
Continued with the LITERAL trainwreck in part 2 just in case the metaphorical one wasn't enough.
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