Day 886
So I'm going to channel my inner Oprah today & give you a list of my Top 10 favorite things. But unlike Oprah, you won't find your own bundle of these things in a bag under your fucking chair & you aren't getting a free car... Well, there might be a bundle of these things under your chair when you look, but I offer no guarantee. I am a mediocre wizard & my conjuring skills are spotty. You might also get a bag of flaming dog poop. I refuse to confirm or deny that I had anything to do with that. But you should probably take it as a hint that I don't like you very much. Or I really like fucking with you.
But back on topic, here's a list of my Top 10 favorite things (that I'm not giving you):
1. Butt sex. If I could conjure up anal sex with my wizarding skills, I would not be sending it to you. I would be enjoying it all to myself. And yes, before I need to play gay chicken for a half hour in the comments section, my butt sex preference is obviously on the giving end. With the ladies. But you know...if you're really pretty, I might make an exception (no I won't)
2. People with reading & listening comprehension skills. You don't know how often I end up wanting to beat my fucking head against a wall or punch a kitten when I say or write something that I know may be slightly meandering but the point is also pretty fucking obvious, yet the reader/listening just doesn't seem to grasp it. My kingdom for some conversation with critical thinkers.
3. Dogs. I don't think this needs explained. I am a gigantic assbag most of the time to most people, but I fucking love dogs. I'm like Elmyra from Tiny Toons. Or maybe that abominable snowman that always tried to adopt Daffy Duck on old-school Looney Tunes. I want to love you and hug you and squeeze you and love you. And I will name you George.
Shut the fuck up. I like dogs. They're a lot better than you fuckers. At least they are happy to see me. I'm not even happy to see me when I come home & I think I'm fucking awesome.
4. Comics. Because it means I can look at pictures & read & I don't have to deal with people to enjoy them.
5.Girls in heels. It's almost a fetish for me. I hate feet but girls in heels does it for me. Hot girl in heels? Awesome. Mediocre girl wearing heels? Good. But sorry ladies, ugly is ugly. And even wearing heels won't change that. It obviously can't hurt, if you're on that borderline but it won't put you over the line. So sorry ladies, being ugly is like being a man. You're gonna have to work for a living.
6. Pizza. Especially pepperoni with extra pepperoni & maybe some more pepperoni on top of that. But with a pretzel crust. It's like a combination of 2 of my favorite things into 1. Why this is all the way down at #6 is beyond me. It should be all the way at the top. Maybe that's a testament to how much I love dogs, comics, butt sex & girls in heels, but yeah... sorry you're #6 pizza. I can only eat you between 1 and 3 times a day. I can enjoy the other things multiple times a day. And multiple times. I bet I could even enjoy some of them at once (hint to the ladies: butt sex while wearing heels... definitely a winner. That would probably #2.5 on the list, if I was feeling decimals today. I'm not. But if I was)
But sadly, I can't enjoy pizza and any of the other things simultaneously. Pizza & comics are a bad mix. I'm not fighting the dogs for my pizza. Pizza a butt sex seems probably like that's a sanitary issue waiting to happen, pizza & reading comprehension kinda works, and pizza with a girl in heels is kinda ok too. But I think I'd be too elated or focused on one or the other there to enjoy the pizza.
7. Building or fixing things. I don't know how to explain this but the sense of accomplishment after starting with 1 thing & transforming it into something else is absolutely astonishing. There's nothing that even really compares to it, because it's a fully creative endeavor. And unlike say, having kids, you're either disappointed in your work as soon as it's done or when sat aside a similar piece of work, or you're not. But there's no risk of being disappointed in it 15-20 years down the line when it's an adult. 15-20 years down the line, if you don't like the thing you built, you can throw it away or sell it. But I think that's called murder or child abuse or human trafficking when you do it with children.
8. Apple products. Because I'm very happy when my stuff just all works together without me needing to dick around too much. And even when it gets a little goofy, that's minor compared to pretty much every other device integration in history made by anyone else. So fuck Google. Fuck Microsoft. Fuck Samsung & ok Linux, you're alright. But fuck everyone else. I'm out.
9. Belhaven Wee Heavy. Beer being this far down my list these days must be a sign that I'm getting old. 10 years ago, it would have been competing with pizza and butt sex for the top spot. But I guess like any 20-some-odd-year relationship, we aren't as close as we once were, but we're still always there for each other when we need the other. Yes, I know I'm almost 35 & the math there is weird. I was a professional at 15 and Beer & I had known each other for a few years before we got super close in my teens.
10. Anger. I know that for most people, this would not be on any sort of list of shit that they actually loved. But for me, it's different. Anger serves me well in life. From getting what I want to actually being able to write anything beyond an occasional email or txt message. Anything that might be even somewhat enjoyable or entertaining that I could put down in words or have fall out of my mouth has to come at least partially from anger. Well, anger or frustration or depression. But they're all pretty much one big ball of things that I don't deal well with so I redirect them & they comes out in the form of occasionally amusing borderline lunatic rantings. Which... well... hey, it's kinda part of who I am, right? So without the anger, I don't think I'm even a fun person to be around. Without the anger, I'm just some guy sitting in his recliner reading some comics, or doing yard work or cleaning the fucking house. I'm a boring motherfucker. I need anger. I need anger to be fun. To be funny. To be interesting. To be myself. And when I don't really have it, well... I'm just not even me & I kinda fucking hate it. I don't even like being around me when I don't have anger in my life.
And I'll be honest... but I've kinda given up on fighting the culture war at this point. My side (common fucking sense) has already essentially yielded far too much territory to the other side (complete & utter lunacy whose concept of logic borders on the fever-induced gibberish of a recently lobotomized mental patient) and I'm just waiting for them to hang themselves from the rope that they've demanded. So that part of my anger is a bit subdued for the time being. But the overall life anger is still there. It was just hibernating for a while.
So there you go... a Top 10 List of things that you're not getting under your chair for free later because I'm actually a spectacular wizard but I just don't like you & I'm greedy & keeping it all to myself.
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